Oberman Spotted Yet Escapes, Again

Ross Oberman has been spotted by the local Uruguagian Gary Foundation (UGF). He apparently is in disguise once again, and at this point authorities are unsure as to whether or not they will ever be able to catch the increasingly cunning Dr. Oberman.

Oberman (In Uruguay)


Upon being located, Oberman threw a piece of note paper on the ground and sped off in his bright yellow Lamborghini. The note read the following:

"You will never catch me. I am smarter, faster, and more intelligent than you. In addition to that, I have gas. And while I'm at it, I'd like to issue a death threat to Oscar Rainbow, Editor at The Jerk and internationally renowned idiot. Your reign of gary is over, Rainbow. You've picked your last coolie."

Oberman is now missing once again. Any tips can be sent to FindRossOberman@obermanfoundation.com.

-Staff Lump Warren Lump

"Glenn's Murder Fiends" Spot Oberman

"Glenn's Murder Fiends" - the group formed by Staff President Rodney Glenn Minkus to locate the fugitive known as Ross Oberman - caught a brief glimpse of the man himself before he unfortunately escaped into the woods. The photo was taken near a Little Caesers (where Oberman apparently frequents) in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Oberman


If you have any information on the whereabouts of Ross Oberman, please call 1-800-DIE-ROSS.

Oberman On Run, Releases Photo of New Look

Ross Oberman, on the run and believed to be located somewhere on Earth, for some reason decided to release a photo to the press revealing his new appearance. This would seem to be counterproductive to most, as people on the run generally keep their disguises to themselves.

Oberman


Police Chief Flavence Smoomp said that several observations can be made based on the new photo.

"First of all, it appears as if Mr. Oberman has gained 50-100 lbs. His diet clearly consists of candy bars and corn on the cob. Secondly, Oberman has obviously joined a Co-Ed softball team based on his new footwear. Third, we believe that Oberman is most likely armed and dangerous, based on the fact that he has no arms. We believe this photo proves that Oberman will most likely issue another threat in the near future, possibly aimed toward the inhabitants of Pluto."

- Staff Oberman Man Gary Oberman

Oberman Issues New Threat, Now On the Lam

Ross Oberman, recent death threat initiator, issued a new threat this morning through his walrus, Fronk.

"I am expanding my murderous ways to that of the entire country of Switzerland. No longer will the Swiss take advantage of Obermans in Europe (OiE). Our conglomeration will eliminate the entire country, and feed it to our new slave, Oscar Rainbow. The Swiss population has had their time in the Gary, and now it is time for them to release their bowels into a toilet located at the Oberman Complex for the Criminally Gary. There they will remain until we decide on the most efficient way to mass-eliminate the entire population in the Oberman Chamber."

Oberman Poster


Please contact Sheriff Daquaggo Alfonte with any tips that could lead to Obermans arrest.

Oberman Issues Death Threat

After not getting the staff doo doo job early Monday, Ross Oberman responded the only way he knows how: by delivering a haunting death threat to no one in particular. The Jerk has obtained the threat and here it is in-full:

Let me start by saying that Capolo Henderson better watch his step because I'm coming after him with everything I have: a carpet sample and a plate of scrambled eggs. After Henderson I go office to office at Hey Jerk headquarters taking out every staff member who gave me lip. Now I transition into third person for those who remember my days as Eyebrows the Clown. Ross Oberman is not going to take this kind of treatment. He's a man who came to this country with a dream to one day be a staff doo doo man for an up and coming, internationally-renowned blog. That dream was dashed this morning when he interviewed for the position and had his pants pulled down and had his winkis laughed at. Well now it's time for Ross Oberman to get his revenge. He will not stop until everyone is eliminated. That includes Harvey Pershack. He'll get in a single-engine plane and rain newborn cats onto the townspeople if that's what it takes. He'll even tinkle on Sarah Vernon if that's what it's going to take for people to realize Ross Oberman means business. And business doesn't start with a B in Ross Oberman's world. It starts with an H. Think about that before you think about this: Ross Oberman will pour boiling hot soup on Oscar Rainbow's head. He'll take Feathers and Estelle and bury them in mud. Then when the mud guy comes by for his weekly pick up: a couple of mud people for the museum. This is Ross Oberman's first and only warning: beware of Ross Oberman because he's not stopping until everyone is speaking German.


[Source: The Ross Oberman Files]

Ross Oberman - Didn't Get the Job

rossoberman: "My name is Ross Oberman

capolo: hi ross, weve been over this - no need for the quotation marks

rossoberman: check your attitude before your attitude gets in a car wreck

i think that's the expression

capolo: ok I have no idea what you are talking about ross

would you like an interview?

rossoberman: i'd like to interview for the open position, yes

capolo: we've got staff doo doo

rossoberman: pass

what else?

capolo: only other position we have is staff penis

rossoberman: interesting

i'll go for staff doo doo

capolo: great!

experience? muffins?

ross? are you alive?

rossoberman: you'll have to excuse me

i'm making soup and it's quite a process

can we begin please?

capolo: do you have any experience??

rossoberman: as a doo doo?

capolo: yeah!

rossoberman: in 1993 i was turned into a doo doo by chemist Dr. Mick Mandrich. single-handily won Paraguay the olympic games

capolo: can you explain that?

rossoberman: no

i'm not here to explain things

capolo: ross!

rossoberman: yes?

capolo: any other experience

rossoberman: my name is Ross Oberman you know

capolo: thought you had died, but I guess not

that isn't a real name

let smove on

rossoberman: you're right, it isn't

capolo: do you have any other experience sir?

rossoberman: 1998-2007 i worked at a mcdonalds restaurant

mcdonalds

capolo: how did that end?

rossoberman: and i was the greatest employee that ever lived. single-handedly won Germany the olympic games

capolo: hold on ross

rossoberman: was fired in 2007 for starting too many fry grease fires

capolo: how many olympic games have you won and with how many different countries?

rossoberman: and murdering a salamander

but that got thrown out of court

capolo: knew there was a murder in there

ok ross, lets move on

criminal history?

rossoberman: murdered a salamander in 2007 - acquitted on all charges

stole a house in 2009

still on the run from the authorities

capolo: stole a house?

rossoberman: sure did

and i'll steal your house!

capolo: ross, take it easy

rossoberman: that was uncalled for, i apologize

capolo: education?

rossoberman: i graduated from Yale in 1973 with a degree in shlumming

capolo: what does that mean

rossoberman: single-handily lost Mexico the olympic games

capolo: ROSS!

family history please

rossoberman: that's all i can say while the court case is still ongoing

capolo: family history!

yes

rossoberman: my father Zernick died in Viet Nam

not in the war, he visited Viet Nam in 2003 and got hit by a bus

and the bus wasn't moving, he just ran into it

that's just a good bowl of soup!

capolo: ok ross, im not sure that you are a fit for us

in fact, stay where you are please

rossoberman: ok, stay where i am and then what happens? a clown comes?

i don't understand

can we continue the interview please?

capolo: no, its over

rossoberman: oh ok great

i'll start last Wednesday if you need me to

capolo: you didnt get the job

rossoberman: that's too bad, because i DID get the job

you're right it doesn't

capolo: thats it ross - go away now

rossoberman: but to be completely honest, i haven't made any sense since 1997

capolo: what happened in 97?

rossoberman: that's when i took acid for the first time

things are different since then

capolo: alright ross, thats enough

rossoberman: alright

capolo: please find me someone else to speak with now

New Cast List Announced

New Jersey Doo: The Marvin Reeso Story

Cast list:

Nickafont Brazwell as Ross Oberman
Shin-Fu Zeh as yogurt salesman
Zip Sanchules as Marvin Reeso
Junior A. Sherman as himself
Julio McKenna as talking front lawn
Bump Bagel as Carlos Bagel
Boo Boo Xavier as Bob "Tinkletime" Feathers
Cynthia Paul as Biker Ruth
Julio Buckleberger as Father Joseph "Crunch Time" Leonard
Yoshimura Kanataka as penguin karate instructor
Oscar Rainbow as wastebasket #4
Hillary Shaw as Mrs. Capolo Henderson


And introducing:

Chubby Pete as professional wrestler "The Forehead"


In theaters July 20!

Oberman Found

Kwekitch County, 3:17 p.m. GST - Ross Oberman was found underneath his living room couch lecturing a corn chip on the importance of staying with the group. The 37-year old has been down there since Tuesday, according to a piece of white bread with knowledge of the situation. In a statement released through his lawyer, Oberman will emerge from the couch in time for the annual Kwekitch City Players benefit concert to raise awareness of rain puddles, July 14. He will also travel, by-termite, across the country for a series of seminars on edible junk mail. Oberman's wife, Napkin, declined comment.



Oberman [photo taken July 7]

2011 Gas Draft Round 1

(Commentary by Oscar Rainbow and Capolo)

1. Atlanta Doody - Queng-Pu Dong - Korea University of Gas and Flatulence. Dong had long been considered a low first round pick, but his recent 17 second rumble that shot a burst of flame out of his rectum (Billy Cheshire, 12 yrs old, DEAD), pushed him to the top of the board.

2. Pittsburgh Wind - Ross Oberman - Steinklaus Tech. Oberman's gas was recently categorized as "melting squirrel", which impressed scouts during the Oklahoma City Combine in May. Rumored to be entering the 2011 Poo Draft, Oberman instead devoted his career to gas, a switch he wrote about in his autobiography "Kiss Me, I'm Gaseous".

3. Philadelphia Sharts - D. Devito - Aschermann School of Fire. Devito was thought to have been a lock for the top pick in this years draft, but had a leak at the Detroit combine during a standard blow-and-go exercise. Clean up took over 4 hours and delayed combine progress.

4. Garrison County Vipers - Ernest Sheckles - Russo University. Won the Farties in 2003, 2005 and 2008. Scout Mitchell Wentworth: "Sheckles isn't afraid of friendly fire, something that's rare in a teenager. He'll be a great fit for any team looking to build a foundation of young, aggressive wind blowers."

5. Ottawa Plungers (via San Fran) - Plumpy Foo - N/A. Foo becomes the youngest gasser drafted in history at the ripe age of 4. At 3 years 8 months, farted the Star Spangled Banner. At 3 years, 11 Months killed Fred Binkley (neighbor) with lock-in gas passing.

6. Hendersonville Jaspers - Nickafont Brazlin - Toronto School of Proper Wind. Brazlin is a risky pick as he has already signed with an overseas traveling wind orchestra "Sharting Isaiah". Once farted on an elephant, reversing the course of history and removing the word 'chili' from all local dictionaries.

7. Cleveland Cornshit - Court Anksherman - Harvard University. Anksherman, formerly known as Da'Quongelo, proved his worth at the 1996 Yugoslav Air Re-Direction Games, where he pole vaulted a fart 23 feet, shattering the former record.

8. Detroit Weasels (via Montreal) - Harold Jensen - Poopy State. Jensen set a record in 1996, letting a fart go for 17 consecutive seconds, which injured a field mouse and single-handily ended the War of Many Harolds. Career tinkle-poo ratio: 11:6

9. Montreal Mongoose - Urine Feces - Sydney Alligator and Walrus and Hippopatamus School of the Yellow. Feces made his debut only 2 weeks ago at the Syndey Stinkers AAA matchup by running onto the field and igniting a hot air balloon with his gas, flying away and not seen since. Mongoose take the risk that Feces will arise and dominate the Gas industry.

10. Hartford Ducks - Mickey Ruso - George's Technical Institute. Ruso was expected to be one of the top two picks in the draft, but fell to the end of the first round after his infamous No Wipe video surfaced on the internet. International farting champion for six consecutive seasons and 2008 winner at the World Series of Wind. Killed three raccoons with a December, 2010 fart, still a Lempken County record (Lempken County Historical Society, page 38).

11. Hartford Ducks (from New Zealand) - Stains Anderson - University of the Earth. Anderson was expeected to be chosen no earlier than the 14th round, but shot up the charts, literally, when he sprayed diarrhea on the draft board performing a Roanoke Rocket for a tryout for Tampa earlier this month.

12. Heet Valley Broncos - Brown Venters - Appaplondis University. A gamble pick for Heet Valley as Venters is a known no-pants participant, which is a violation of National Farting League rules. If he can learn to put on his dungarees, and lose the fake British accent, he could take the Broncos to the playoffs for the first time since the Piso Administration. Fart motto: "My wind cures potato famine."

13. Conyers Flatulators - Kong-Li Shermania - Shermania University. Shermania, seventh in a long line of professional Shermania farters, brings his patented "Kong-Pow" to the ring for Conyers, a squad desperately in need of a front-line passer after the defection of Shitbrains Smythe to Hong Kong in the offseason.

14. St. Louis Brown (via Qwekitch) - Padrick Zin - Opple Tech. Zin farted the theme song to the hit show Only the 37 of Us, which won him three pieces of toast. Played left field for Team 4 in 2010 and his fart while lying down in the outfield killed a record 42 blades of grass.

15. Las Vegas Coolie - Forfeit Pick. Las Vegas enacts clause 14.1b and acts upon their right to forfeit their pick in exchange for assassination of previous pick. Padrick Zin is forcibly removed from Draft HQ and farted to death in the Pass-assination Room by the "Odor Panel," 14 passers who serve this function exclusively.