Fungus family plays to 0-0 score; rest of game to be completed at later date

After 50 minutes of game action and one cream corn hose theft, the Fungus family's annual basketball game to raise awareness of the sun (FFABGTRAOTS) was stopped at 7:33 p.m. eastern time Tuesday.

With the scoreless tie still in tact, Maglio League officials decided to suspend the game and restart at a later date. At a post-game emergency meeting, which included a 1988 photograph of former league commissioner Jill Frank, the following dates were considered finalists for the completion of the game:

July 6
July 7 (100th anniversary of the attack on Turkey Drumstick Hill)
January 11, 2021
March 22, 2021 (full-size cardboard cut out of Bernie Zipper to first 10,000 fans)

Both teams had chances to end the scoreless tie.

Anne Fungus' fadeaway jumper at the 24:00 minute mark was eaten by a rhinoceros, Toby Fungus ran onto a different basketball court and converted a lay up with 12 minutes to play that wasn't counted, and Hillary Blunch's windmill dunk while holding a roast beef on wheat with just under three minutes to play also didn't count since she wasn't an original participant in the game.

"I'm still going to use that in my arbitration case," said Blunch, 37 in oatmeal.

Fans in attendance were hoping to see a basket as that would've automatically given each a free drawing of a peanut from local business Pete's Peanuts. One fan, Janice Maglio, wife of former disgraced politician Joseph Maglio II, stapled herself to the court in protest.

"I'm not getting the staple remover until I get my peanut drawing," said Janice, whose head is made of iceberg lettuce.

Hey Jerk Basketball Series: 1980s Pistons vs. Hey Jerk

The match up everyone had been waiting for never materialized as the 1980s Detroit Pistons swept four games from the Hey Jerk Bobcats. The Hey Jerk team, hastily-thrown together during a hastily-thrown together public urinal protest, was disbanded afterwards.

The teams

Pistons
G Isiah Thomas
G Joe Dumars
F Dennis Rodman
F Rick Mahorn
C Bill Laimbeer

Bobcats
G Capolo Henderson
G Dominic Balboni
F Larry Dulfman
F Oscar Rainbow
C Silly Shoes Pock

The games

Game 1 at Palace of Auburn Hills
Detroit takes an early 57-0 lead on the strengths of Dumars and sixth man Vinnie "The Microwave" Johnson, who combine to hit 14-of-17 from behind the arc, thanks to Balboni not having arms and Henderson being a horrible defender. Hey Jerk nearly scores late in the third when Henderson tries his patented nose-pick-fade away, but Rodman blocks the shot. A traveling Bobcats fan afterwards:

Final: Detroit, 211-0.

Game 2 at Palace
Early in the first quarter, Rodman and Rainbow each remove their pants and run screaming in opposite directions into the Detroit night, leaving both teams with a hole at power forward. It doesn't affect the Pistons as they bring in John "Spider" Salley, but the Bobcats only bench player is Len Fleetwood, who died in the 70s. Detroit takes advantage, turning an early 41-0 lead into a 165-0 cushion at halftime. In the locker room, Hey Jerk coach Cal Naughton Jr. takes his own life. Final: Detroit, 245-0.

Game 3 at Hey Jerk Arena & Cafeteria
The host Bobcats look to take an early lead in a must-win game, but instead go down 33-0 as Thomas and Dumars combine for 11 consecutive three-pointers in a dominant opening quarter. Mid-way through the second, Dulfman tries to attack the basket, but his shot is blocked by Laimbeer, and Laimbeer then swallows Dulfman whole in what is being described as "The Time Bill Laimbeer Ate Larry Dulfman Whole" (Detroit News, May, 2011). It's the fourth time in the last year Dulfman has been eaten by an NBA center, a new Gafreda County record. Rodman, in his return from an under-bridge seminar he gave on the proper way to cook a human ear, pulls down a playoff-record 53 rebounds, mostly over Rainbow, who before the game declared himself a raccoon named Lance. Like in game one, Hey Jerk nearly scores in the second half when Henderson and Balboni execute a nice give-and-go, though referees declare they had been out-of-bounds nearly four minutes before the pass took place. Final: Detroit, 318-0.

Game 4 at Hey Jerk
Facing the prospect of a sweep, the Bobcats go out in disgrace as several incidents cast a cloud over the final game of this much-anticipated series. Early on, Henderson and Thomas are involved in a fracis near mid-court with Henderson losing most of his limbs. Pock is eaten by Mahorn near the Pistons bench, leaving the Bobcats with two players with all their limbs. Dumars makes 73 consecutive lay ups during a pivotal third quarter, and despite the Bobcats bringing in a shocking ringer-former Bullets center Gheorge Muresan, who scores 40 points in the third and fourth quarters, Detroit pulls away for the championship and the giant bag of possum tails. Final: Detroit 418-40.


Sources: Detroit News, May 2011; Basketball News, May, 2011

Cotillion Found Alive

Staff Hippo Man, Squib Cotillion, rumored to be one of the staff members killed in the massacre at headquarters, Tuesday morning, was found with just a minor head cold and a half-eaten salami sandwich.

Cotillion will continue to monitor the blog's hippo population and is urging any hungry staff member to come by his office and have a bite of his sandwich.

"It's just a really, really good sandwich," said Cotillion. "$15 per bite, though."