Photo updates now available

A disturbing photo was sent to headquarters earlier this week, and finally some explanations have surfaced.

In this photo

* There is a 1/3-man-3/4 tree with en eyeball (Jojo)
* Inside that tree, Dwayne Tomancheck needs medical attention and/or is deceased
* A young man by the name of Yuri Sha is -dungarees
* Flight 449 (Ozz Valley to Sumder) has been re-routed to be included in the Harold Day Parade
* There are two suns, one green, one purple. Both suns have been entered into the 2015 Top Sun competition (December 7-10, 2015 at Capolo Fairgrounds)
* A car is playing a game of basketball, and trails 17-14 late in the first quarter
* Linda the Elephant has flown away

Still unknown

* [mule]

Anderbelly Winfreed Given a Chance

In shocking news, The Jerk has decided that one time elephant impersonator and hippo burglar Anderbelly Winfreed deserves a chance. Thus, he has been given one (Staff George).

Winfreed

BIO

Name: Anderbelly JaQuun Winfreed
DOB: 13/14/99
Sex: Unknown
Head: No
Favorite Athlete: Alvaro Ezpinoza
Voted most likely to be......: Ballerina
Head: Again, NO
Hates: Oscar Rainbow, cheetahs
Likes: cheetahs, Bob Feathers' Gravestone














Winfreed will immediately take over all George related inquiries from former Staff George, Herman Bump (deceased).

Please join us in giving Anderbelly a chance!

- Staff Hippo Herman Bump

UPDATE (1:22 PM EST):

Winfreed has been eaten.

Services will be held at Bog Piso Auditorium from 11 PM to 3 AM this evening. Biscuits will be served, in accordance with Anderbelly's wishes. Hank The Mule will provide the trumpet entertainment at the afterparty.

Blog invaded

The following photo, obtained by staff member Emily Carson-Kennewith, shows a member of a race of school bus-nosed dachshunds, which have invaded our planet Earmuff.

There is believed to be hundreds of the beings surrounding not only Jerk headquarters, but also the home of former NFL quarterback Randall Cunningham, who declined comment. Several of the creatures will eventually be cooked in a deep frier and served to the Mastandria family (page 7, paragraphs 3-5 of New Visitors handbook).

Also, the following staff members have been eaten (last update: 3:04 p.m.):

- Connie Kim (corn on the cob-drum music reviews)
- Etch Eienhorn (ear pinch counseling)
- Emmit Yaycheeze (3B/DH)

"He's Here" - Volume One - Q'Pimpo Breastassist

"He's Here."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist is the inaugural member of The Jerk's newest weekly ritual - "He's Here." Each week we will feature the newest member of the club, a person/being that has recently arrived at The Jerk and has plans to "make changes."

Q'Pimpo Breastassist

Name: Q'Pimpo Tragglossio Breastassist
DOB: 12/14/14
Asian: N/A
What is it: ?
Legs: 3 (known); 4 (hidden)
Idiot: Yes
Nose: No, nooooo.
Spouse: Z.
Comments: Once arrested in British Columbia for impersonating a giraffe in an attempt to garner political attention (served 12+ years in federal penitentiary); Ate 14 Mel Pumbeckles whole (1966 Autumn Fair - Quigley County)



"He's Here!"

Please join us in welcoming Q'Pimpo to our staff.

- Staff Q'Pimpo Ferwood Horris

Introducing New Staff HR Manager Ther Eis

We would like to take a moment to introduce the Jerk's newest staff member and HR Manager, Ther Eis.

Eis (Deceased)

Eis, formerly of the Connecticut Sanchules Family, is to be welcomed "with open arms" by all staff members. Note, this is not to be taken literally - do not actually open your arms when you see Eis. This is considered an insult in his country, and his resulting actions are not the responsibility of "the firm". Chances of death are significant - "FYI."

Services for Eis will be as follows:

11/6 at McDonalds - The Eulogy
11/8 at the Aschermann Household - The Burial
11/10 at HJ Headquarters - Report for duty, 8 AM.

Please direct any Ther Eis related inquries to Capolo "Dominic" Henderson at capolo@yahoo.com

Thanks to all - and a very merry Easter.

- Staff Editor Donkeyface Nelson