A few minutes ago, Mortimer Mejito, wanted for the 1997 murder of a penguin, spoke to Hey Jerk staff correspondent Bobby Feathers in what Mejito thought was a private conversation. Here's the full transcript:
2:29 PM mortimer.mejito: sir, I need to speak with you urgently
Bob Feathers: mortimer? we thought you had died days ago.
mortimer.mejito: I'm on the lamb, sir, and call me Ted, please
2:30 P.M. Bob Feathers: you're on a lamb, Ted?
mortimer.mejito: I'm on the run because of the accusations of penguin murder by your blog.
Bob Feathers: accusations? the penguin showed up in our mailbox the other day - had a note, said 'killed by mortimer mejito'
mortimer.mejito: Yes, I killed the penguin. But due to statute of limitations laws, I can no longer be held responsible. I need for your blog to print a retraction immediately!
2:31 PM Bob Feathers: listen Ted, we make our own laws. Doesn't matter when you commited the crime or even IF you commited the crime, you're guilty even if you're proven innocent, that's OUR law
mortimer.mejito: Sir - because of your slanderous post, I have lost everything. My family, my hole, my kumquat. Even my Yugo
2:32 PM Bob Feathers: can't help you with the Yugo or the kumquat, but come by HQ later and we'll get you a new family and hole. in fact, there's a family in a hole right now you can have
mortimer.mejito: Sir, I cant step toe in the United States. Ill be arrested on sight
Bob Feathers: well, they don't let you take your toes in anymore anyway. where are you now?
mortimer.mejito: Im currently living under a cow in India. they'll never find out which cow.
Bob Feathers: and typing on a computer?
mortimer.mejito: insignificant, Bob
2:33 PM Bob Feathers: if that cow has friends in grassy places, you're in big trouble. we have cow correspondents in India.
mortimer.mejito: sir, you have no such thing, you cant fool a Mejito.
Bob Feathers: we don't print retractions, Ted
mortimer.mejito: Sir, call me Ned, please
2:34 PM Bob Feathers: Ned, you killed the penguin. turn yourself in and maybe they'll let you go with a bacon on the wrist
mortimer.mejito: Sir - would you accept a barter?
Bob Feathers: a barber?
mortimer.mejito: a trade, Bob
2:35 PM Bob Feathers: if you traded us a barber, we'd gladly print a retraction
mortimer.mejito: you print the retraction in exchange for information I have and a barber named Sam
Bob Feathers: what kind of information? it's not about your arm pit hair again is it?
mortimer.mejito: no, I shaved that off years ago.
Bob Feathers: Sam the Barber? I'm listening....
2:36 PM mortimer.mejito: Sam the Barber, and my shoe size, for a retraction
Bob Feathers: pass. Sam the barber, your shoe size and a gallon of mejito mustard and you got a deal
2:37 PM mortimer.mejito: 1/2 gallon is best i can do
Bob Feathers: full gallon and i need a new-born squirrel inside the gallon of mustard
mortimer.mejito: no deal
Bob Feathers: how about this - Sam, shoe size, gallon of mustard + squirrel and we don't print a retraction
2:38 PM mortimer.mejito: Deal
Bob Feathers: Great, now tell us where you're headed so we can have the proper authorities get you in a pastrami straight jacket and off the streets.
mortimer.mejito: Atlantis
2:39 PM Bob Feathers: don't try and fool us, we know you're just going to hop underneath another cow
mortimer.mejito: I lied
Bob Feathers: liars never get the eggplant, Mort
mortimer.mejito: Pluto, the breeding grounds of the Mejito Clan
2:40 P.M.
Bob Feathers: that's where mejitos are grown?
mortimer.mejito: developed is a better word
Bob Feathers: that's where developed are grown? I thought it was in a meat-packing plant in Ohio?
mortimer.mejito: myth
Bob Feathers: how many mejitos exist?
2:41 PM mortimer.mejito: Over 17 trillion
Bob Feathers: We heard around 2,200 existed
mortimer.mejito: it's 17 trillion and please, call me Harold.
Bob Feathers: well, where are they? we need mejitos now more than ever and later we're going to need them even less
mortimer.mejito: they are plotting an attack; global war
2:42 PM Bob Feathers: where and when are they planning this global war, in your imagination, in October?
mortimer.mejito: Wally, calm down
2:43 P.M. Bob Feathers: name isn't Wally, it's Bobb...ok, it's Wally.
mortimer.mejito: Mejitos will Rise, unless you print a retraction
2:44 PM Bob Feathers: I think that's the name of a punk band, Mejitos Will Rise. no retraction, Harold, you killed the penguin
mortimer.mejito: fine, then I will lead the revolution of the Mejitos against earth, and you will be our first victim, Mr. Feathers
Bob Feathers: how about this, produce a live penguin at our HQ and we'll print the retraction
mortimer.mejito: Im done speaking with a person the likes of you
Bob Feathers: you don't scare me, Harold, you're underneath a cow in India, and I know which cow.
2:45 PM mortimer.mejito: that was a cover
Bob Feathers: well, if you're outside hey jerk headquarters pooping, I don't want to know about it. just finish and leave the premises
2:46 PM mortimer.mejito: Im on Pluto. Mejitos Forever!
[end of conversation]
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