Rainbow announces first staff member

After the surprise announcement of his presidency, Oscarensa Ulysses Rainbow III (Minneapolis) has begun assembling his new staff.

Rainbow, seen here berating a copy of The Complete Encyclopedia of Stitchery

named Amber Stiggs, longtime gum (wrapper) runner, as a cabinet member. Stiggs, 44 years, 119 days, will live in cabinet 7.

"Cabinet 7? Thanks for the free raisins," said a shrugging Stiggs, alluding to the nearly two-dozen unopened boxes of raisins from last November's Benefit Concert to Raise Awareness of Raisins.

Rainbow also named former PCCO quarterback Dez Buckley as a walnut intern, some say to keep the longtime pecan from signing with Oakland.