Richard Nixon has been assassinated, and as such, can no longer serve as Staff President. To be fair, he did absolutely nothing during his term.
Nixon (Dead)
The Butthead, formerly of the Cincinnati Reds, will take over as permanent Staff President.
The Butthead
"I am The Butthead. Things are about to change around here. First order of business - all toilets will be removed from the building."
Staff Correspondent Wayne Bingo released the following statement:
"We've needed change around here for millenia - and The Butthead is the one to finally do it."
As part of the inauguration, Derwood Morris was sacrificed and eaten served over a bed of healthy greens.
- Staff Correspondent Schwartz Bingo
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