Hey Jerk, Get Off My Lawn

BREAKING: Maglio Missing

2012-02-10T12:00:00.003-05:00

Joseph Wegland Maglio, frequent contributer at a rival blog and well-known planet enthusiast, was seen waving to a group of fans this morning and is now "missing."

Maglio (Missing)

Maglio was believed to have been content in recent years, despite his long history of drug, alcohol and walrus abuse. He seemed to have found comfort in his family farm and had frequently been seen riding the donkeys in the pasture. Days before his disappearance, however, Maglio was believed to have had a relapse on cocaine and barbiturates, as he was seen nude roaming through the streets of Brooklyn.

The Jerk will have continuous updates on the situation, as we all hope and pray Maglio can be brought home safely.

- Staff Maglio man Warren Lump

Fredo Sanchules Annoints Self "President of the Earth"

2012-02-09T11:04:00.004-05:00

Fredo Sanchules, local pig salesman and candidate to become the Lump of the Year in 2012, has annointed himself President of the Earth.

Sanchules

Fredo released the following statement through his spokesperson, Private John Coolie's Legs:

Coolie's Legs

"Citizens of the Earth - I come to you from atop Mount Sanchules, deep within the hostile territory of our enemy, Pluto. Through my election, I promise you I will not let the Plutonians take over our planet. I also promise that as your leader, I will kill off nearly three-quarters of you and feet you to my gorilla, Claude. These promises I make you, I swear to keep, probably."

Sanchules was seen flying away towards his seaside mansion, where it is believed he resides with John Coolie's legs in a romantic fashion.

- Staff President of the Earth correspondent Warren Lump

Jerk hires another Coolie

2012-02-08T17:54:00.004-05:00

After capping a memorable 2011 with the hiring of Ed Cooley as Staff Cooley, the Jerk made another shocking hire Wednesday evening, adding Private John Coolie (Uruguagian, retired).

Coolie is a veteran of many wars, including The War To Eliminate Murray Werner and the War Of Too Many Percys.

He'll begin his tenure as soon as the 73-year old passes a Phui physical.

Sanjay Lump Assassinated; Lump Ballot Candidates Released

2012-02-06T22:06:00.003-05:00

Penqua, Oregon - In a development long in the making, the Lump coalition had no choice but to act. Sanjay Lump, longtime sore spot for the Lump family, was finally located and put to death via a hanging in front of Lump Castle.

Sanjay Death Photo

(Also pictured - Jehiah, Warren Lump)

Sanjay had been sought for the murder of 17 Lumps around the globe, and was believed to be on his way to Warren Lump's Portland flat when he was spotted and apprehended by Lump police. After briefly resisting, Sanjay removed his pants and gave himself up.

Formally charged with 17 murders of fellow lumps, Sanjay Lump plead guilty in front of a group of his peer Lumps. Chief Justice Harold Lump laid down a swift verdict.

"Death." - Harold Lump

Sanjay was hung in front of Lump Castle on "Ol' Samuel." the Lump family tree which has been part of the coalition since the beginning, in the 1400's. Warren Lump attended the hanging, pointed and laughed, then relieved himself in Lump pond and left the premises.

Sanjay will be left to decompose to serve as a warning to subsequent Lumps of what can happen should you commit Lumpicide.

In additional news, the yearly ballot of 5 to decide who will be inducted into the Lump family was released today. It will be voted on in early March by a group of senior Lump officials, at which time a new Lump will be inducted into the Lump of Fame.

Candidates:

Robert Feathers
George Muresan
Flat Screen Harris
Private John Coolie
Fredo Sanchules (story coming)

- Staff Lump man Warren Lump

Drawing Found

2012-02-06T18:40:00.004-05:00

Just hours after Pat Sheridan left us, a drawing was found of the former Tigers' outfielder. Officials aren't sure who may have created the drawing, which depicts Sheridan scolding a group of delinquent worms, but it will be included in next month's Auction & Ham Sandwich Riot.

- Correspondent Sanjay Lump

Sheridan Suffers Demise Moments After a Title

2012-02-06T11:23:00.002-05:00

***BREAKING***

The Detriot Tigers, playing for a city that was near demolition, brought home a title yesterday. The town has now been given "a new life," at least until March, 2012.

Detroit wins

(Pictured: Pat Sheridan being throw into air moments after the final victory of his life)

While popping a bottle of champagne open in the locker room after the title was won, Pat Sheridan began to scream.

"We did it g......."

That was as far as he got. In the middle of the word "guys," Trevor the rhino waltzed in and ate Dr. Sheridan, ending his existence.

A title was won, but at what cost?

Sheridan (Eaten)

- Staff RBI Baseball man Travanjolicious Fwemp

Jesusman Hired

2012-02-03T14:27:00.007-05:00

After more than two years of firings, deaths, chili riots, pointing at leaves, ice cube-eating contests, a guy named Barry taking all of the salad dressing to impress Maryanne and hippo tramplings, the Jerk has brought some religion on board in the person of Jehiah Jesusman.

The 2,012-year old brings a lifetime of religious practice, most notably the mass execution of a dozen pieces of toast in the late-1830s and turning Dr. Emmit Pinddle into a penguin in 1995.

Jesusman, who had his left foot eaten off by an Okkaplokka bug and whose nose caused the Korean War, was born in Arkansas and lived there until he was 1,400. He joined the peas movement and married a thimble of rice so the thimble could gain United States citizenship.

At the Jerk, Jesusman is expected to lead all staff members to salvation, or the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet, whichever is first on his bus route.

Playoff schedule released

2012-02-01T15:27:00.002-05:00

The schedule for the 2012 WFL playoffs has been released.

First round (February 22)
No. 8 University of Maryland at No. 1 Hey Jerk Bison
No. 7 Mud People at No. 2 ADRS
No. 6 St. Louis Rams at No. 3 The Worm Store
No. 5 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry at No. 4 Kennington Prison

National semifinals (February 29)

Championship of Planet Earth (March 7)

Monday cancellations

2012-01-30T15:29:00.004-05:00

Adult soccer

Possum People vs. Burger Hut, Store #77 - game moved to February 9
Zyn All Stars vs. Team 4 - postponed (hippo riot)

HJTV Introduces New Sitcom

2012-01-27T10:08:00.006-05:00

HJTV has unveiled its newest sitcom for 2012 to the delight of quadrillions. Staff President Fat Neck Glenn released the following statement concerning the new show:

"We here at HJ feel that this is our best effort to date, combining family values, educational benefits, love, conflict and devastating war full of gruesome killings into one cant-miss TV sitcom. We are anxious to air the first episode, titled 'Adande is dead, again,' which we feel will change the rotation of the Earth and lead our planet into the next millenium."

Show Promo

(Left to Right, Top to Bottom - Adande, Brestin, Vonshai, Todd, and Ernger Jr. the Hippo)

Please join us in welcoming the Sanchules and their new sitcom, "The Sanchules Reign," into our televisions and our hearts this coming Monday at 9 EST.

- Staff Sitcom Man Ronald Pepitone

Final Game of Bison Regular Season Has its Ups, Downs

2012-01-26T14:37:00.005-05:00

Bernie, Kansas - As the Bison took the field to take on the powerhouse Kansas Jayhawk squadron (0-14 w-l, 14 PA, 1403 PA), the crowd stood for a moment of silence to honor recently deceased Miles Derner.

Derner (DEAD)

Moving on to the game, the Bison had issues coming in. 4th string receiver Pat Zyn was incarcerated and electrocuted, so a need at wide receiver had arisen. Cue Hojo Blotch, 145th all time in yards receiving for Gershner County High (1956-1960).

Blotch

Blotch, a lifetime Giants fan, unfortunately showed up for the game nude. Either way, the man produced on the field. He instantly became Sherman's favorite target, catching 17 balls for 433 yds and 17 TDs. Running Back Skip Ruso also ran for just north of 1100 yds and 12 TDs in this one, which was 56-0 before the Jayhawks touched the ball. After a Jayhawk touched the ball, the refs gave it back to the Bison, who continued the romp by shoving the ball up Jayhawk coach Charlie Weis's coolie, who responded by eating the ball and being carted off on a stretcher. Assistant coach Shealy took over from there, and the Bison continued to roll. Fullback Koo-shua Hu ate 7 opposing players, including one time POTUS Angelo Foomgong, and made on the Jayhawks sidelines. Dead Karol flew off into the sunset, and grew banana legs along the way. Steven "hobo" Christensen lost his head, literally, then picked it up and flew to the nearest McDonalds for a salami sandwich. Sherman evaporated at halftime. All in all, this was a successful showing for the Bison, who ended the regular season strong with a 208-0 win over the rival Kansas squadron.

Next up: Playoffs TBD

- Staff Bison Man Travonjalicious Fwemp

Derner Returns

2012-01-23T20:14:00.001-05:00

Miles Derner, staff biologist during the Jerk's heyday of the late-1970s, was brought back to life by a miracle eggplant cure.

"The man never hurt an ostrich, except for that ostrich he hurt in the 1993. But we've looked past that to a new future, full of half-men-half-turnips, and pools of Ernies for deep-sea Ernie fishing," said Murray, a pigeon that lives in Derner's hair and is the Derner family spokesman.

Derner's story began in Cleveland, then the story moved to Fayetteville, Arkansas where he was offed by Chuck Frozengard in June, 2010. Frozengard was subsequently incarcerated for the crime, and spent the next 60 days in a maximum-security walk-in freezer until his release in August. Derner was considered dead, until Monday evening when the former back hair model was brought back to life by Dr. Hojo Blotch.

"Please get out of my basement and leave my house," said Blotch.

Meet A GCSA Team: Mort's Hardware Lions

2012-01-21T22:59:00.001-05:00

Location: South Gafreda
Team name: Lions
Stadium: Bloop Soda Stadium
Capacity: 46,000
Owner: Herbert Landover II
GM: vacant
Manager: Ernie Battaglia
Last season: 16-25, 9th place
Southwest Conference

C: Chubs Eckard
1B: Daff Arlington
2B: Olly Ocean
SS: Felipe Espinosa
3B: Charlie Duckett
RF: Peeps Tomlinson
CF: Min Se-Choi
LF: Roberto Cabrera
UT: Yutz Bokka

SP: Len Barberberry
SP: The New Millenium
RP: Pencilneck Jamison
RP: Bobby Sazzle
CL: Koko Zafron

Murton Gallego "Onboard"

2012-01-20T14:17:00.005-05:00

Murton Gallego, former Mr. Australia and pumpkin historian, has been brought on to take the coveted role of Staff dinky masseuse.

Gallego

Gallego brings with him days of experience, along with his partner Salvatore. Sal and Murton have lived happily together in Greg Winston's shoe since 1983. Please join us in welcoming old Murty to our crew.

- Staff reporter Donkey Face Nelson

**Update**

Gallego was found dead waiting on the doorstep to HQ this morning. He is no longer with us.

Gallego (Dead)

Bison Throttle Mud People, Move To 8-1

2012-01-19T19:07:00.008-05:00

"Like macaroni noodles through an alarm clock, so are the times of burnt toast and highway gravel eating contests."

"The above quote, attributed to facist dictator Herman Crubb, was taped to the wall of the visiting locker room at Darf Ferera Stadium in an effort to inspire the Hey Jerk Bison. Not only did the quote inspire the Bison football team, but it also inspired Harry Vanderells to swim to England in an attempt to reunite an ostrich with another ostrich."

- Quote taken from the beginning of this story

Standing in the way of the Bison and their attempt to clinch the Piso Division title and a bye in the first round of the Abner Playoffs & Elementary School Band Recital Competition, were the Mud People, coached by Ralph Friedgen. The Mud People had lost each of their first eight games by an average margin of 36 points, but Friedgen wasn't going to let his squad Shealy on this day.

"We didn't come here to Shealy," Freidgen said to his mailbox before the game.

"Instead, they Shealy'd," said Linda Pwayne's mother-in-law, Beatrice.

On the first possession of the game, the Bison marched down the field, getting a 50-yard pass from quarterback Kurt Sherman, who was dressed in only a poncho and his giraffe mask, to Skip Ruso. After the play, Ruso boarded his spaceship to the clouds and was never heard from again. John Hu, vilified all week in several publications, including Vilification Today and the Nunce Valley Times, for is charity organization-Peanut Shells For Troops-and their anti-deodorant marches through downtown Kleppitch, scored from three yards to put the Bison up 7-0.

The visitors made it 14-0 when Sherman executed the statue of Rory Corcoran play, handing off to Dead Karol for a touchdown. The Mud People tried to put together a drive late in the second quarter, but were stuck in mud.

"They made their mud, now they have to sit in it," said Otis Lazlo.

At halftime, Friedgen ate a water fountain and declared war on his pants. Police apprehended the coach and carted him off, while Sherman and caretaker Doris Leonard followed in Sherman's wheelbarrow.

With only four active players left-newly signed receiver Pat Zyn, Irving Piso, The Anecdote and ham sandwich national champion Steven Christensen-the Bison stuck to the ground game and score twice more in the third before coach Al Davis pulled the team off the field.

"_________", said Al Davis, who died late last year.

Final: Bison 28, Mud People 0

Death Schedule Updated

2012-01-19T15:57:00.001-05:00

Oscar Q'ShonTavious Rainbow
1-1-1705 - 4-2-2012

Updated death schedule released

2012-01-19T15:45:00.005-05:00

January
24 - Horace Okkaplokka
26 - Musical trio The Corn Husks

February
2 - Nancy Crugg & warthog
11 - Ebeneezer Salazar
19 - Edward Xomcheese

March
6 - Knuckles Brophy
27 - Cooper Queh
29 - Lance Okkaplokka

- Staff correspondent Bertrum Larsen

Life reevaluation list revealed

2012-01-18T15:32:00.001-05:00

In reevaluating a life, there are steps one should take. The following is a detailed list, courtesy of the Hey Jerk Library of Files & Ham Sandwich photographs.

1. Look in the mirror
2. Admit you need to reevaluate your life
3. Accept that Jehiah was the son of Corville and died for your sins
4. Draw a picture of a giraffe on your stomach
5. Rename yourself Vernon Wallace
6. Move to the eastern part of Arkansas
7. Marry a potato
8. Reevaluate Merle Vanderells' life
9. Call Merle Vanderells on the phone, tell him you reevaluated his life for him and to expect a congratulatory canary in the mail within five days
10. Sell socks door-to-door
11. Divorce potato

ELIMINATE THE CENTRAL TIME ZONE!

2012-01-18T13:45:00.003-05:00

Fans,

Please pledge your support to oscarrainbow@gmail.com for our efforts here at the Jerk to eliminate the Central Time Zone altogether. We fine it unnecessary and quite frankly, evil. Note the conversation editor Capolo had with a co-worker yesterday:

Wendell Cinnamon: CST is better. EST people don't show up to work til 9. The day is half over by then

Capolo: No. it has no identity. Its just there, in the middle of the country, screaming "Who am I?"

Wendell Cinnamon: (Starting to lose mind) EST people think only EST should exist. that is the arrogance that i can't stand

Capolo: I think any normal person would agree with my standpoint

Wendell Cinnamon: (Foaming at the mouth) People you define as normal are morons to CST people

Capolo: I'll start a coalition: "Eliminate the Central Time Zone." I'll have a large following

Wendell Cinnamon: You and your army of one: your mommy

Capolo: My mother was in the army in the 40's and Id rather not discuss it, but thank you for bringing up a sore subject

Wendell Cinnamon: So your mom is llike 85? Creepy

Capolo: That isn't your business

As you can see, the CST and its inhabitants clearly need to be eliminated. Please pledge us your support in 2012 so that we can attack this challenge "head on" (literally, head first.)

Rare photo found

2012-01-18T13:29:00.004-05:00

A rare photo of former Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis was discovered by Hey Jerk staff member Lance Brickisher.

The photo was originally titled "Al's Day At The Potato Farm", but the title was eliminated when the Irish occupied Arkansas in the late-1990s and potato persecution was at its zenith.

Wednesday football betting lines

2012-01-17T16:20:00.006-05:00

[Games to be played January 18, 2012]

University of Kansas -3 @ Klauzenrodner University
Mud People -6 vs. Hey Jerk Bison
Paul's Hardware -10 vs. Jacksonville
The Al Davis Recreation Society -2 @ Okkaplokka
Kennington Prison -4 vs. Murrdle Valley Prison

- Source: Kerwin Football

Okkaplokka era begins

2012-01-17T13:38:00.007-05:00

Horace Okkaplokka, who was brought by Okkaplokka Boat™ Tuesday morning, has been hired as back door look out.

Claim to fame: ate a photograph of a giraffe (May, 1992)
Secret shame: fathered an illegitimate artichoke
Aliases: Victoria Merced; Elijah Borneo; DJ Mouthwash
Scheduled to be killed: January 24, 2012.

Meet a GCSA Team: Herzog Vipors

2012-01-13T16:30:00.000-05:00

Location: Herzog City
Team name: Vipors
Stadium: Marc Russo Stadium
Capacity: 34,000
Owner: Walter Ku
GM: Wick Waymont
Manager: Gene Bechtold
Last season: 30-11, 2nd place
Southwest Conference

C: Dirk Leaf
1B: Meepos Tryzabell
2B: Biff Cucumber
SS: Wimpy
3B: Walter Ku
RF: Whiskers Callahan
CF: Chickadee Moses
LF: J.R. Crugg

SP: Chozblin O'Shoogie
SP: Pudding Drop Murphy
RP: Niles Tuckaho
RP: Uri Obokorov
CL: Xavier Knuckles

Thursday Afternoon Death Report

2012-01-12T13:43:00.006-05:00

We are delighted to inform our readers that longtime nostril enthusiast and professional poo masseuse Parachute Martin has been found dead on the roof of Rainbow Tower at HQ.

Martin (Dead)

Martin will not be remembered, nor will there be a funeral. Staff Icicle Gary Gwobtek threw Martin's remains off the roof earlier today.

- Travonjalicious Fwemp

Thursday cancellations

2012-01-12T13:23:00.003-05:00

Mashed potato fights

Christensen vs. Zyn: postponed, rescheduled for February 7
Okkaplokka vs. Cameron: moved to 4:30 p.m.

Softball

Earth Championship, Team 4 vs. University of Maryland: doubleheader will be played January 17 starting at 6:00 p.m.

Other

Chewing on the toes of Glenn Percy - February 2 at 4:30 p.m.
Pepper Shakers On Ice: matinees at 2:00 p.m. cancelled

Bison Bye-Week Report

2012-01-11T10:40:00.003-05:00

Bison Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp was on the "scene" this morning, with updates on several Bison players during the teams much needed off week.

Ruso: Asleep since Sunday. Team officials fear possible DIB (Doody in Bed) and have sent a security regimen and public relations crew to Ruso's abode in case of disaster.

Sherman: Missing. Has not been seen since running off the field, pantsless and screaming, in third quarter or last weeks game. Team officials say reports of Sherman sightings in Kuala Lumpur "have no grounds."

Christensen: Attempting to break record for ham sandwiches eaten during one week period - has until 5 Eastern to do so. Currently at 567.5. Judge Harkenberry removed two sandwiches from current count due to "failure to comply with mustard regulations." Needs to pass 701 in order to set record.

Hu: Being held at team facility due to concerns over "knee explosions" due to weight issues. Has been fed intravenously over course of week and has lost over 1 pound.

Zyn: Found deceased shortly after game concluded in upper deck section 301 lavatory. Note left at scene stated "See you guys in two weeks. Mud People Stink!"

T.O.D. - Left team on own accord due to "personal issues" with quarterback Kurt Sherman. "We just weren't seeing eye to eye on the future of eggplant on this planet."

- Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp

Rare drawing found

2012-01-11T08:38:00.000-05:00

A rare drawing of Horace Bechtold wearing a Harold Plumm tombstone shirt was found early Wednesday morning. According to staff historian Murton Ruso, the drawing was made Monday after Plumm was eaten by a giraffe.

The bidding begins at 11 gum wrappers.

email bobbyfeathers@gmail.com to place your bid

Hey Jerk staff put on an intensive Harold program

2012-01-09T23:23:00.003-05:00

With rumors swirling towards the end of 2011 and in the early stages of the new year, the Hey Jerk staff will, in fact, be put on a Harold program, starting with the late-Monday hiring of fitness instructor/toast whisperer Harold Olajuwon III.

The program will consist of a series of Harold-finding missions, some long-overdue Harold Sensitivity Training and culminate with a week-long retreat through Harold National Park, site of the famous Ice Cube War of 1922 that claimed the lives of hundreds of Pauls and one Brent.

Olajuwon, grandson of 300-meter dash tungsten medalist Harold Olajuwon, will begin his tenure at the Jerk Friday morning at 6:00 a.m. by reading a page from his autobiography, "If I've Been Harold, Then I Apologize."

Monday Morning News - with Ronald Bergomac

2012-01-09T12:23:00.003-05:00

Hi, I'm Ronald Bergomac, international villain and renowned alien. You may know me from my reality show, "The Bergomac's Take Australia (And Kill Everyone There)," or by my autobiography "Hi, I'm Ronald Bergomac and I Hope After You Read This Book You Perish." If, for some reason, you still do not recognize me, I will provide the photo below.

Ron (October, 2010)

Now that we are friends, I'd like to share my thoughts on the recent Klossinger Arrival. I shared a yacht with Walter Klossinger on Egbo-9 sometime over 50 earth years ago. He was a decent Klossinger, but had one serious defect: hippos. Klossinger took his hippos (Ollie and Poonquah) with him wherever he traveled. Subsequently, our yacht was doomed from the start, as as soon as old Ollie and Pooonquah stepped foot on it we began our descent to the ocean floor. After Walt perished, I was inspired to take my "talents" to Earth, where I could surely make a difference with you're primitive race. I believe I have done that in my 30 some odd years on your planet - I created the mule and ran for governor of Asia. That said, the arrival of a new Klossinger is troubling and ushers in a new era here on Earth - the Bergomac/Klossinger wars are undoubtedly about to commence.

If you wish, as a human, to remain alive, then please stay out of our way. The Bergomac clan will do what needs to be done to protect ourselves from the reign of Klossinger, who no doubt wishes to claim our power as his own. I will provide periodic updates on the war from the Bergomac point of view.

Please die.

- Ron

Klossinger Arrives

2012-01-06T10:52:00.005-05:00

Herman Klossinger has arrived. He has been in transit since 1307 from his home planet of Bwomp77 in the Schmegma galaxy.

Herman Klossinger

Klossinger, who was once President of his planet, has been reduced to a mere pickle-boy, responsible for delivering pickles to rival planets.

The Klossingers hope to invade Earth with "numbers," and bring their rival Bergomac family to a dreadful end. The Bergomacs, lead by Three-foot, inhabited earth during the depression in the 30's. The have since been responsible for World War II, and the invention of the owl.

Three-foot Bergomac released the following statement upon hearing of Klossingers arrival, and then flew off in his private BergomacCopter:

"Oooofogl."

- Staff Warren Warren Lump Jr.

Cast List for New Seppenitch Film Anounced

2012-01-06T00:04:00.001-05:00

The cast for the upcoming Lyle Seppenitch film I Smelled Vanessa has been announced.

Sanderson Montaz as avocado millionaire Colt Bersh Jr.
Janet Wu as Vanessa Wodderson
Oscar Rainbow Jr. as the voice of the yodeling pancake
Gino Genovese as Capolo Henderson
Horace as himself
Lanette Massimino as Beth/Outlaw Beth
Zu-Kwan as DJ Celery
Franklin Bly as Coach Winfield
Olin Gerald as the burnt piece of toast that wouldn't give up despite overwhelming odds, including being burnt by a toaster and shunned by the society that introduced him to his wife, Butter, in 2004
Gheorge Muresan as Manute Bol

Film in theaters May, 2012!

Colts Make Poopies, Bison Win

2012-01-05T09:16:00.004-05:00

January 4, 2012

Gary, Indiana - The Indianapolis Colts, coming off perhaps the best season in franchise history, called in "Gary" Wednesday evening. Bison players were shocked and appalled that the Colts refused to take the challenge seriously.

Kicker Lousso commented "You'd think after the great season they just finished, they'd want to lay it all on the line against a quality opponent like the Boise Bison."

Quarterback/Chinese Kurt Sherman quipped "Where's the toilet in this place? I need to drop the kids off at the pool and then sing the Canadian anthem."

Steven Christensen farted.

Halfback Skip Ruso failed to show for the event, citing "irreconcilable tuna fish sandwiches" with wideout Dead Karol.

Steven Christensen made in a Citgo near his home, the authorities were called, and is no longer with us.

P. Zyn, recently deceased and traded team cancer, made the trip despite no longer being on the squadron. He quickly complained about lack of commitment from his teammates and ran into the abyss.

A representative for the Colts, Dan Orlovsky, refused calls but did tweet the following: "The Bisons are losers and we refuse to play them. Its disrespectful to us, to our families, and to the people of Montana."

As a result of this forfeit win, the Bison temporarily moved to 5-2. However, the investigation into the Henderson Middle embarrassment has been released, and Henderson nose guard Harvey Fempitch was found to be an illegal participant (Walrus), which results in an automatic disqualification for the Flying Zebras. Statue 143.2a of the United Football Horace Assocation (UFHA) clearly states that illegal Walry is prohibited and will result in automatic disqualification.

When contacted, Fempitch simply stated "Gehhhh."

The Bison are now a surprising 6-1 heading into the showdown with the Mud People of Edgartown, Mercury two weeks from now.

- Staff Bison Man Rory Smunk

Bison Pick New Mascot

2012-01-04T13:19:00.004-05:00

The Hey Jerk Bison football team mascot contest has ended as the organization selected "Billy Bison".

Congratulations to 83-year old Herm Shmelder, who came up with the design for Billy, then drowned in a pool of barbecue sauce "as he would've wished," (Nunce Valley Times obituary-January 2, 2012).

Billy will debut Wednesday when the Bison host Indianapolis.

Martin "Finally" Hired

2012-01-03T16:00:00.003-05:00

Staff Leader Fat Neck Glenn, recently in hiding due to a whaleshark scare in his native Jupiter, has resurfaced to "Take this blog into the next millenium."

Glenn, reciting from his tower perch high above HJ headquarters, shocked onlookers with his appearance. He had not been seen since late fiscal quarter two of 2011, and was believed to be dead. He stood, in all his glory, and spoke.

"We need a new face for this blog. We need a new man in charge of raincoats and raincoat related activities. In order for us to continue our dominance of the universe, we need to adapt. We need to change. To that end, I have personally hired Barney Martin as Staff Assistant to the Glenn. Please rise and hail Dr. Martin as he recites his 'Poem of Many Julios.' "

Martin

"Julio here, Julio there,
Julio wore Teddy's underwear.
He went for a stroll,
to a very dark place.
And ended up making all over Fred's face.
Julio ran, into the woods,
Fred started screaming as loud as he could.
'Why would you do this, I gave you my cow,
I guess none of that matters much now.
I shall have my revenge, Julio,
I shall de-fecalate,
And when I do find you,
You'll suffer a dark fate.
Julio Algonquin, Julio McGwire,
You'll meet your demise in a Fred-induced walnut fire.'"

With that, Martin left the room and Glenn followed.

Stay tuned.

- Staff Mort Seinfeld Rory Smunk

Meet A GCSA Team: Ervin Fishbine's Team

2012-01-01T16:22:00.000-05:00

Location: Fishbine Valley
Team name: The Fishbines
Stadium: Fishbine Stadium
Capacity: 1,800
Owner: Oort Kellow
GM: Vershon MaKinley
Manager: Stefan Cershon
Last season: 14-27, 13th place
Southwest Conference

C: Plumpy Hixson
1B: Dylan Sawgrass
2B: Zits Paddock
SS: Bert Fronz
3B: Cr'Shonsin Addelby
RF: Marylou Kepshire
CF: Amanda Pinecone
LF: Pimples Petry
UT: Ooogie Bolshane

SP: Shmulick
SP: Kanicfee Goldstein
SP: Murray Blydsdale
RP: Chuckles McCan
CL: Hotfeet York

"Bison Embarrass Themselves"

2012-01-01T11:31:00.002-05:00

That was the headline from the now-defunct Tribune Daily and their feature story on the Hey Jerk Bison's 28-0 loss to Ruttlestown B at F.N. Glenn Stadium & Used Vegetable Shack.

The Bison were coming off a December 21 shutout of Provo High School, but literally came out flat in week seven.

"A few of our players were flattened by the #8 bus before practice Monday," said Bison interim coach Raheem Morris. "I mean, they were taunting the bus, telling it to 'come on, run me over bus. I bet you can't even run me over,' according to some witnesses. And I heard there was a lot of soy sauce involved. Either way, it's tough to play a football game with six players. Really five, because the one-year old, Mitch, I think her name is, can barely stand."

Ruttlestown B, with future Hall of Ernie quarterback Bert Larson, marched down the field on the game's opening drive, and went up 6-0 when Larson found an overripe tomato in the back of the end zone for a 12-yard touchdown.

With several players flat and unable to participate, such as running back Skip Ruso, quarterback Kurt Sherman and tight end Trevon'Tashius McKlinton, the Bison went to seldom-used Bernie Buckles to lead the offense. Unfortunately, Buckles had died in the mid-1980s and the Bison had to punt. Ruttlestown took advantage, using its famous "eggplant play" as wide receiver Quinathony McRae took an end-around and ran 99 yards for a touchdown with the ball in his dungarees to make it 14-0.

Halftime speech from Bison interim coach Bill Cartwright (while brushing his teeth):

"This is where they separate the Ronalds from the Jeromes!"

And that's exactly what the Bison did. Ronald Herndon was placed in a giant suitcase and mailed to Bangor, Maine, while Jerome Wu was named starting quarterback for the second half.

On the opening kickoff, Wu overdosed on kick off tee and passed away.

Funeral services were scheduled for February 7 to coincide with Peanut Day and Wu's religious belief in talking peanut shells.

Late in the third quarter, Ruttlestown took a commanding, 28-0 lead when Larson hooked up with recently-signed wide receiver Pat Zyn (4 years, $7 million toe nails) for an 83-year touchdown. Zyn, who was only wearing the left leg of his pants, was attacked by several Bison players, including Johnathan "Lundquist" Hu, and transported to Capolo Medical Institute where he was pronounced "Stan".

Hey Jerk's final offensive drive ended in mashed potatoes as Hu fell down in mashed potatoes, though it did end up being an early start to the team's annual Mashed Potato Pool Family Fun Night.

Final: Ruttlestown 28, Bison 0

Meet A GCSA Team: Enis Valley Torpedos

2011-12-29T22:59:00.000-05:00

Location: Enis Valley, GR
Team name: Torpedos
Stadium: Torpedos Park
Capacity: 4,000
Owner: Geraldine Martin
GM: Hannah Beverly
Manager: Mick Kiprikov
Last season: 27-14, 3rd place
Southwest Conference

C: Blake LaSalle
1B: Simple Blinky
2B: Maggie Eckersley
SS: Yoyo Carter
3B: Ogden Clipper
RF: Mo Golden
CF: Shien-Wong Zaing
LF: Cliff Didier Jr.
UT: Zie Yu-Fonce

SP: Rachel Woddles
SP: Phillipe
RP: Kelton Awlfellow
CL: Sugarshake Barfield

Meet A GCSA Team: East Ferguson Squash

2011-12-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

Location: East Ferguson
Team Name: Squash
Stadium: Ziff Laundry Detergent Field
Capacity: 8,000
Owner: Vic Lemmit
GM: vacant
Manager: Barry Ossining IV.
Last Season: 2-39, 14th place
Southwest Conference

C: Oscar Acopa
1B: Ralph Lenwoos
2B: Felix Mejia
SS: Pee Pee Jafron
3B: Clem Idelby
RF: Shersher Queh
CF: Valerie Ossining
LF: Benson Berg

SP: Charles Ebeneezer
SP: Seth Doleman
SP: Itch Valensock
RP: Soko Pok
RP: Otis Lazlo

Klauzenrodner Hired

2011-12-26T16:44:00.002-05:00

Breaking news from Jerk headquarters as Santa Klauzenrodner has been named manager of the 1985 San Francisco Giants. The Giants, favorites to win Tuesday's world championship, also announced the hiring of Jaz Jerenovich as first-base coach and Poopy Persons as bullpen coach.

Klauzenrodner, seen here terrorizing the townspeople in artist's rendering titled "Christmas Eve", declined comment, except for this comment:

"Robby Thompson is on a short leash in the two-hole, and I mean that literally: we're going to have the bat boy hold him by a leash while he hits. It's the only thing we can do during this difficult economic time. I mean, have you seen what they're doing in Iowa these days? That's a troubling situation."

["Christmas Eve", by Marvin Zek]

FGUAA Staff List Released

2011-12-24T13:17:00.005-05:00

The FGUAA (Federation of Garys United Against Australia)

[Updated - December 23, 2011]

Founder/president - Gary Clemono
Treasurer - George "Gary" Cecil
Pointer (up in the air at trees) - Lucy Garihidis
Pointer (at things, mailbox-level or lower) - Hu-Shwon Gary
Music - Lil' Gary & The New Garys (featuring Old Barry)
Olympic Gary coach - Gary Zatch
Vice president in charge of toast - Claire Ryzeka
Gary recruiters - GaryScout Inc.
Egg-white Gary omelet chef - Big Fat Gary Johansen
Verne Lundquist masks - Gary Kapeetle
Venezuelan relations - Senor Gary
Garybarrow inventors - Henrietta & Walter Garry
Mud - Garrison Gary
Assistant director (Luxembourg location) - Jacinda Garicoe

** Federation reading material **

Newspaper: Julio Herald
Magazine: Gary Quarterly
Propaganda: Gary-Austro War Pamphlets™

Game 6 Recap: Bison at Provo High School (UT)

2011-12-23T09:58:00.004-05:00

Date: December 21, 2011
Locale: Hong Kong, China
Stadium: Feng Zhoo-Wong Memorial Field
Conditions: N/A
Attendance: 98,233

Recap

Quarter 1: The Bison, coming off a disputed loss which is now under investigation for Illegal Walry by Henderson Middle, come out on fire. Sherman hits on his first 13 passes, 2 for touchdowns to reinvigorated slot back Ruso. Defensive Lineman Fritz Walvonk of Provo High passes away after attempting to arm tackle Hu on a fullback draw. Carted off field and lit on fire.

Quarter 2: Bison continue their dominance, and begin playing dirty by kicking their opponents when down. Sherman goes 14 of 15 in the quarter, with another 3 td passes to Skip Ruso, who begins to sing the Canadian national anthem and is carted off the field on Brad Kovacik's shoulders for halftime. Bison go to break up 42-0.

Halftime Recap

Christensen, disgruntled by lack of playing time, removes his underwear and eats it, all while running through the stands screaming about an Indian revolution and plans to take over the universe. He is removed by security and placed in a Chinese prison.

Quarter 3: Bison pull the starters, go with Ed Xomcheese at QB. Xomcheese finishes the quarter 1-9 for 14 yds and a rushing TD. Backup RB Ted Pinecone rumbles in for an additional TD as well. Bison up 56-0.

Quarter 4: In what has become tradition, Hu immediately eats linebacker Herman Bunkley on the first play of the quarter. He continues with his "Hu-Woo Potty Poo" dance at midfield, relieving himself in the process. Kurt Sherman disappears from the sidelines. Bison finish up with 56-0 win.

Notable Stats

Sherman - 27/28, 491 Yds (Bison Team Record), 6 TD, 1 Disappearance
Ruso: 17 Carries, 233 Yds, 6 Receptions, 156 Yds, 6 TD

Next Game: Bison at Ruttlestown B Team

Bison Hire New Waterboy

2011-12-19T13:07:00.003-05:00

The Bison have lured ex-Broncos defensive coordinator Dennis Allen away to take over the role of Team Waterboy, formerly held by now deceased Wally Pipp.

Allen

Allen, who lasted 14 games for the Broncos in his inaugural season, was considered a hot commodity after his defense recently held the Kluppitch Middle Henry's to just under 700 yds of offense. He decided to take his "talents" to the Jerk for a contract of 3 years/ $14 million.

"I took my talents to the Jerk." - Dennis Allen

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Allen to our family and into our hearts.

- Beau Fimmons

Meet A GCSA Team: LaSalle Street Crusaders

2011-12-18T15:38:00.001-05:00

Location: 414 LaSalle Street, Zullitztown
Team name: Crusaders
Stadium: Tom's Potato Chips Field
Capacity: 300
Owner: Niles Nawk
GM: Bernard Plumptin
Manager: Ernie Woolard
Last season: 20-21, 7th place
Southwest Conference

C: Weffle Podree
1B: Amis Leach
2B: Connie Simsall
SS: Bobby Shelwood
3B: Chicken Wire McMurtry
RF: Pablo Destrade
CF: Robin Curly
LF: Poog Cronin
UT: Andy Stankiewicz
UT: Ernie Woolard

SP: Fernando
SP: Daylight Baines
RP: Melvin Montana

Bison Suffer First Loss

2011-12-14T15:10:00.003-05:00

"Those guys stink."

- Anonymous

That quote, taken from a December 14 Nunce Valley Times newspaper article, wasn't directed at the Hey Jerk Bison football team. But the Bison coaching staff decided to use it as motivation any way leading into the squadron's Wednesday morning battle against Henderson Middle School.

"It didn't work."

- Anonymous

No, it did not work.

The Bison, who were coming off a pair of close victories, led 7-0 early, thanks to a John Hu four-yard touchdown run. That came after Hu ran the Bison's "watermelon play", pulling on Henderson defensive lineman Harvey Koo's arm pit hair and then swallowing hole a watermelon on a key, third-and-five at the 17-yard line.

Henderson, which came into the game 0-4 following a 17-3 loss to the Indianapolis Colts that led to bean dip riots in the streets of Hendersonville, responded immediately. The Chabooros used the absence of Steven Christensen (eyebrow-removal surgery) on the defensive line to let their workhorse tailback Fat Neck Glenn Jr. collect 170 of his 255 yards on three long touchdown runs to send Henderson into halftime up 21-7.

Halftime speech by Bison interim head coach Dead Karol:

In the second half, the Bison tried their "stand around and do nothing and hope the other team doesn't do anything either play", made famous by the Pat Zyn All Stars barnstorming team of the late-1960s, but instead Henderson did something, forcing the first of seven fumbles by new fullback Skip Ruso.

After his seventh fumble, Ruso was traded to the Cleveland Browns for a pile of leaves and a half of a ham sandwich under the north end zone to be named later.

Midway through the fourth quarter, with the Bison trailing 56-7 and the home fans at the newly-renamed Toast Crumb Stadium literally booing until their ears fell off ("Six reports of falling ears", Kroog Statesman), Bison linebacker Tommy Buckner sacked Henderson's 8th-string quarterback Wu Kawa-N'ienk in the end zone for a safety to cut the deficit to 56-9.

The Bison players rewarded coach Dead Karol with a spicy mustard bath.

Final: Henderson Middle 66, Bison 7

Staff Cooley Hired

2011-12-14T14:47:00.003-05:00

Hey Jerk has hired Ed Cooley as Staff Cooley. The position, long held by Reggie Cooley, opened up after a Tuesday evening mashed potato riot saddened thousands.

Ed Cooley, also the head coach of the Providence College men's basketball team, will be responsible for hiring other Cooleys as well as scratching coolies.

Game 4 Recap: Bison at 11 Guys Named Jerry

2011-12-09T13:33:00.000-05:00

Date: December 7, 2011
Locale: N/A
Stadium: N/A
Conditions: Sun
Attendance: 0

Recap

Quarter 1: 11 Fat Guys Named Jerry fail to show due to local buffalo eating competition taking place. Bison take the field.

Quarter 2: Sherman runs the kick-back beluga trio and scores on an end around. 7-0 Bison.

Halftime Recap

Zyn arrives, proclaims world peace and shoots clear liquid into left arm. Locks himself in locker.

Quarter 3: Fat Guys Named Jerry score despite not being present, Bison in tight one, 7-7.

Quarter 4: Hu eats bologna sandwich, blows so much wind that he floats to moon. Scores TD on way, Bison win 14-7.

Notable Stats

11 Fat Guys Named Jerry: Entire Team (DNP)
Bison: Sherman 1-15, 47 Yds Rushing, TD

Next Game: Henderson Middle at Bison

Meet A GCSA Team: Clupitchtown Asparagus

2011-12-02T15:33:00.000-05:00

Location: Clupitchtown
Team Name: Asparagus
Stadium: Asparagus Park
Capacity: 45
Owner: Tucker Wu
GM: Maggie Bennett
Manager: Wimpy Zazz
Last Season: 27-14, 4th place
Southwest Conference

C: C.J. Doddamohn
1B: Boshay Clemente
2B: Penny James
SS: Garrison Cheeks
3B: Abe Buckets
RF: Nick Daquick
CF: Seymour Fonchonski
LF: Danielle Fonchonski

SP: Popo Walcott
SP: Bobo Buckets
RP: Elvis Jojo
RP: V'Kwontavius Marshall

Rare rookie card for sale

2011-12-02T13:21:00.003-05:00

Ernie Bodley
1977 Comphelio rookie card

$150
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Chung Hired

2011-12-01T18:35:00.004-05:00

Willis Chung has been hired as Staff Chung, according to that guy with the brown shirt on. Chung has worked for several blogs, including Capolo's Arm Pit Odor Diary and There's Pigeon Poo On You, as well as edit the official web site of the Hey Jerk Bison bowling team from 2002-2004.

Despite being only eleven inches tall, Chung was a star on the Croatian national basketball team from 1977-1983. He was banished for life in May, 1983 after he brought his pet iguana onto the bench and the animal relieved himself on the free throw line.

Breaking - Zyn Located

2011-12-01T12:39:00.001-05:00

He's dead.

RIP Pat Zyn.

- Staff Zyn Man Warren Lump

Game 3 Recap: Poddy Valley at Bison

2011-11-30T15:51:00.005-05:00

Date: November 30, 2011
Locale: Quebec, Ontario
Stadium: N/A - Played in local dump
Conditions: Raining Gary's
Attendance: 4

Recap

Quarter 1: Kurt Sherman, embattled QB and old-man enthusiast, returns fully clothed in anticipation of this matchup of unbeatens. After the Bison elect to receive, Sherman receives the ball 7 yds deep and begins sprinting down the far sideline. 12 seconds later, Sherman was at the Poddy Valley 3 yd line, where Poddy Valley Garbanzo Bean Victor Mooshay horse collars Sherman and drags him out of bounds, kicking him along the way. Sherman gets up, bloodied and having messed his underwear, and sprints back out to the huddle. 14 plays later, Hu eats defensive lineman Hugo Feathers of the Garbanzo Beans and stumbles into the endzone. 7-0 Bison as drive takes entire quarter. Sherman taken to locker room by trainers to address underwear situation.

Quarter 2: Beans go 7 and out on first drive, and Bison take over at the Beans 14 after a blocked punt by Patrick Zyn, who showed up before the game even though he is no longer a member of the team. On the following play, Sherman throws into the endzone to Zyn, who does the Zyn-o-rama shuffle in celebration. 9 seconds later officials notify Zyn that he is in the incorrect endzone and the score is tied up, 7-7. Zyn sprints around the field 4 times and then collapses. Medical reports not available at this time.

Halftime Recap

Steven Christensen lights himself on fire and runs through the halls of Bison Arena screaming about civil rights for abused rhinoceros.

Quarter 3: Poddy Valley receives and flanker/H-back K'Quell Pooha takes the kickoff back 97 yds for a score. A missed extra point leaves the deficit at 6 for the Bison, 13-7. Poddy Valley attempts the onside kick, which fails when Skip Ruso falls on it at the 50. On the very next play, Sherman runs the pitch to Ruso who rumbles 50 yds down the sideline and into the endzone. Ruso doesn't stop running and has not yet been located. 14-13, Bison.

Quarter 4: After stopping Poddy Valley on downs, the Bison receive the ball via fair catch at their own 2 yd line. Coach Hu calls for the 47-Potty Draw on 3, and Sherman hands the ball to Hu. Lineman Kovacik eats 4 lineman on the other team (deaths ensued) and Hu rumbles 97 yds for a score and a steak. Sherman begins his "Shermy-two-three" jig and is penalized 15 yds on the kickoff. 21-13, Bison. Bison attempt onside kick and succeed. After taking three knees, the game is over and another victory is in the books for the Bison. Sherman straps on his jetpack and takes off, stating he had a meeting to attend on Mars.

Notable Stats

Sherman: 17-93, 199 yds, TD, 27 INT
Ruso: 17 Carries, 144 yds, 14 lost fumbles, TD

Next Game: v. 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry

Celebration, Part 2

2011-11-28T22:47:00.000-05:00

Hey Jerk's 2nd anniversary party - November 26, 2011

Bison Postgame Notes: Week 2

2011-11-28T12:19:00.004-05:00

After an impressive 26-7 victory over Winder-Barrow HS, the Bison took to the locker room in glee. Bison staffers had already covered the walls with plastic and had the champagne bottles ready, and the Bison players did not disappoint. Sherman, after his refusal to play, stood in the middle of the room holding a bottle of Dom (Sherman was nude), and began his weekly postgame speech.

"We won one for Zyn. Plain and simple. Lets celebrate like drunken octopi!"

Immediately after, Sherman vanished into thin air and has not been located since. With that, however, things began to get ugly. Coach/RB Hu attempted to eat lineman Steven Christensen, but was stopped when Skip Russo got in the middle with a meatloaf and subsided Hu's hunger. Recently traded Pat Zyn began smoking some type of dark rock, and instantly proclaimed that he was changing his name to Vance Bentley, effective immediately. Zyn then fell into Jon Scottsten's locker, removed his underwear, and sang the national anthem. Several team members, led by Dead Karol, then relieved themselves on Bentley. Staffers remained after hours to clean up the "situation."

Security was finally brought in around 3:30 AM GST to remove the remaining team members, but not before lineman Brad Kavack was able to blow wind and declare the locker room a "war zone" that needed to be defended by the United States government and armed forces.

- Staff Bison man Warren W. Lump

Bison Move to 2-0

2011-11-24T15:53:00.003-05:00

Coming off an emotional, flatulent victory over the Cleveland Browns practice squad, the Hey Jerk Bison felt good about their chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School.

"We feel good about our chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School," Bison coach/running back John Hu said after a practice session/walnut-eating contest.

Despite the disappearance of wide receiver Pat Zyn and quarterback/rhino salesman Kurt Sherman's refusal to play, the Bison took the field with nine players and scored on a 92-yard touchdown pass from new quarterback Michaela Russo to recently-signed tight end Mark Bavaro. Winder-Barrow, playing in pastrami helmets to promote world peace, answered with an 18-play drive and tie the game at 7-7 on a four-yard touchdown run by Herman Binkey.

Neither team scored until Hu took a pitch on a sweep and executed his world-famous "hippo run" and scored from 25 yards out, much to the delight of a guy named Steve. The Bison led 14-7 at halftime, leading to this speech from tailback Skipmond Ruso, who no one asked to speak:

"They said the Russians couldn't win in '73! They said the Bay City Bluejays couldn't come back and win the bronze medal in the 40s! Someone told Vance Wesler he'd never yodel again! Remember Miles Quinn?! Now go out there and win one for what's-his-name or this Christmas everyone gets a lump of cold medicine in their stocking!"

After Ruso was taken in the back for questioning, the Bison came out strong in the third quarter, going up 17-7 when Louise Russo kicked a 74-yard field goal with Hu gas in her face.

"Holy asparagus," said Bison fan Merv Kellog, 106.

Winder-Barrow had a nine-and-out on the ensuing possession, then after a Bison punt of seven yards by Dead Karol, Winder running back Zhang Shui-Wei ran in the wrong direction and out of the back of his own end zone, giving the Bison a safety and a 19-7 lead. Shui-Wei then vanished.

In the fourth, Bison receivers Stinky Harnish and Steven Christensen teamed up on a wheelbarrow run for 53 yards, which put Hey Jerk up 26-7 and sent most of the traveling Winder fans towards the exits.

"I sold my mud store for this?," said Winder fan James Pershack, who sold his mud store for this.

As the final seconds ticked down, Zyn surprised everyone on the Bison sideline by arriving in his underwear, running out to midfield and miming shooting two free throws. Zyn then hopped on his koala and disappeared into the night.

Bison stay unbeaten at 2-0 with a 26-7 victory on Phonebook Night at Hey Jerk Stadium.

Glubfish Trials Begins

2011-11-21T14:14:00.004-05:00

Gary Glubfish v The City of Tuscaloosa

The defendant, Gary Lucan Glubfish, is accused of bread loaf murder and faces a maximum broom closet sentence of 11 days.

Glubfish, dressed in his whale costume, pleads "not tall enough".

* District attorney: Harvey Minkus
* Defense attorney: Eyebrows the Clown

Opening arguments

Defense: [Squeezes nose three times, does a somersault and makes a sad face]

DA: "He did it! Come on!"

(Glubfish. Photo taken September, 1983)

BREAKING: Editor Robert Feathers Jr. Missing

2011-11-21T08:59:00.003-05:00

Robert Feathers, longtime editor and cheese enthusiast, has gone missing. Once believed to be the next great leader of this corporation, Feathers began building a long list of enemies here at The Jerk. Capped off by his admission of steroids use in the late 90's, Feathers has become one of, if not the, most hated members of this company. It all came to a head 4 days ago when Feathers decided to steal Marty Femple's onion and run into oncoming traffic.

Feathers has not been seen since. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please call the Save Marty Femple's Onion hotline at 1-800-ONIONSAVIOR.

- Staff Feathers Investigator Warren Lump

Bison Postgame Notes

2011-11-17T22:26:00.005-05:00

News and notes following the Hey Jerk Bison's opening night victory.

Hu Named Player of the Week

Bison fullback/coach John Hu was named the Tap Water Player of the Week after his performance in the come-from-behind win over the Browns. Hu, who averaged more than six yards per carry and scored seven touchdowns, dedicated the honor to his collection of napkins from various fast food restaurants, which now numbers in the low-100s.

"I told you several times I did not want to be interviewed," said Hu.

Quarterback Competition Opens Up

With Kurt Sherman's miserable performance and near-goldfish overdose following the Bison win, a quarterback competition has opened up in camp. According to Hu, who was named the team's coach during an unfortunate incident at halftime, Sherman will share practice reps with Michala Ruso, a one-year old with gas who over the summer ran a 9.6 40-yard dash at the Handy Manny Combines.

Zyn Reportedly Traded to Indianapolis

Pat Zyn, who during the pre game contributed steak sandwich wind and a four-yard run on a draw in his living room, has reportedly been traded to the Indianapolis Colts. According to that guy over there, the Bison received half of a bag of grapes and a deflated football for Zyn, the 17th overall pick in the 1974 draft.

Incident of Violence Reported

Skipmond Ruso, who scored the Bison's first touchdown Wednesday on an 80-yard run that was called "the run heard 'round the area where the run took place", followed an unidentified Browns practice player into the parking lot and the two had a verbal disagreement that quickly turned to physical violence. According to an eye witness, Herman Wultz, Ruso began digging at the Browns player's face with a plastic spoon and shouting about engine coolant. Ruso was questioned by local police, but escaped into a nearby forest. His whereabouts are unknown, as is his available for the Bisons' practice Friday afternoon.

Winder-Barrow Ready For Week 2 Match Up

The Winder-Barrow High School (GA) Bulldoggs said they're ready for the Bison and have targeted Russo and flanker Will Harnish as their main targets of physical violence during next Wednesday's key division 7-B match up at Jerk Stadium. Winder-Barrow, which lost 83-6 to the St. Louis Rams' 1983 hall of fame class in a game played in a Walgreens parking lot, will be without head coach Ernie Porter, who has taken a leave of absence to raise a family of hamsters "the right way" (Capolo Times - November 15, 2011).

Drawing Found at Scene of Capolo's Arrest

2011-11-17T19:09:00.000-05:00

Startling developments in the Capolo arrest story that gripped ours and many nations early Thursday. A strange drawing of a ferret with a horseshoe hat and a tri-colored fox tail was found at the scene of where Capolo was detained for public intoxication (mayonnaise) and transferred to O'Shoogie insane Asylum for Darryls & Walters at 6:01 p.m. GST.

Police, an iguana named Frederick and a bucket of sawdust, say the drawing will be up for auction this weekend annual luncheon for the Save the Lundquists Foundation.

Game 1 Recap: Bison at Cleveland Browns Practice Squad

2011-11-17T15:07:00.007-05:00

Date: November 16, 2011
Locale: Cleveland, Ohio
Stadium: N/A - Played in Joe Guagliardo's parents back yard
Conditions: Snow
Attendance: 0

Recap

Quarter 1: Browns win the toin coss (HEADS) and elect to receive. HJ placekicker Lou Ruso kicks the ball 4 yds, where Browns player Harvey Henkle picks up the ball and runs into the HJ endzone in 4 seconds for a quick 6-0 lead. Not surprisingly, Henkle was untouched during the play. On the Jerk's first possession of the season, HJ quarterback Kurt Sherman called for the blue rhino, handing the ball off to John Hu for a quick 1/2 yd gain. Things were looking up for the Bison, and on the next play Sherman got greedy, calling the yellow ostrich on three (fake pitch to Hu deep out route by Zyn) which turned out to be a disaster. Pat Zyn never got off the line, as he was nude, and Sherman threw a 3 yd out route that was picked and run back for the TD. Suffice it to say, by the end of the quarter the Browns practice squad was up 49-0, and the Bison had run 5 plays for -56 yds.

Quarter 2: The Browns, up 49-0, take their foot off the gas a bit, deciding to rest up and play only 3 on each side of the ball. On their first play from scrimmage in the second quarter, the Browns center snapped the ball to QB Aron O'Malley, who ran straight through 11 Jerk defenders for a 99 yd score. Down 56-0, Hey Jerk took the ball at the 20 with a new goal in mind. "Lets get a yard" said tailback Skip Russo - and they did that and much more. Against a defensive line of 1 and secondary of 2, Russo calls the sneaky-maria, a trick play. Sherman pitches to Hu, who in turn runs the flea flicker back to Sherman - who hits Russo with a 4 yd curl. With no one within 20 yds of him, and Zyn passed out nude at the Browns 40, Ruso takes it 80 yds for the score. Lou Ruso adds the extra point and the scoring in the first half is done - Bison head to the locker room down 56-7.

Halftime Recap

Zyn passes out in stall 3, forcing Coach Hu to activate Dead Karol. Sherman runs into the opposing locker room nude, screaming about the state of international nuclear affairs.

Quarter 3: HJ start off at the 20. Browns decide to rest 3rd defender, start off with one man line and one man secondary. First play from scrimmage, Sherman end-around to Christensen, who lined up wide. Christensen hit for 12 yd loss and fumbles the ball, recovered by the Browns. Fortunately, the Browns are running a two man offense. On their first play, LB Dead Karol chases QB O'Malley back 92 yards into his own end zone and records the safety. HJ right back in the game, 56-9.

Quarter 4: Browns decide to leave. Sherman, while throwing 4 picks in the quarter, remains in the game at QB and hands the ball off 43 times to Hu, who scores 7 TD's uncontested. The Browns squad left at 14:55 of the quarter, so was not present to witness their demise. HJ lineman Steven Christensen carries Hu off the field, and they start writing a novel post game entitled "Bison v. Browns Practice Squad: The Game That Changed The Millenium." Bison win, 58-56.

Box Score

Notable Stats

Sherman: 1-17, 80 yds, TD, 7 INT
Hu: 57 carries, 347 yds, 7 TD

Next Game: V. Winder Barrow HS (GA)

Percy: Alive

2011-11-16T14:59:00.001-05:00

Hey Jerk has obtained this special report on the condition of Yerd Percy: he has been found alive in his Merkle County home.

The 83-year old was biking with a walnut Wednesday afternoon when his bicycle collided with a man named Barry. No other information was provided on the crash, but Percy was late to his Pimple Namer's Anonymous meeting, and family and friends grew worried.

Percy had a piece of toast at 2:51 p.m. and named it Eleanor.

Rare Drawing For Sale

2011-11-15T16:44:00.001-05:00

"Dr. Crugg"
Marker on counter top

$200
Email Bob Feathers at bobbyfeathers@gmail.com

Meet A GCSA Team: Warren Road

2011-11-11T11:59:00.000-05:00

Location: West Gafreda
Team Name: Warren Road
Stadium: Shonsen Pepano Memorial Field
Capacity: 3,300
Owner: Jeffrey Lyons
GM: Percy Schmidt
Manager: Pasqual Perez
Last Season: 20-21, 9th place
Southwest Conference

C: Doof Quintera
1B: Kelvin Charles
2B: Salvador Crosby
SS: Trevor Travis
3B: Pickle Pickell
RF: Cholly
CF: Schmertz Febblo
LF: Vladimir
UT: Yert Clemons

SP: Robert Alan Feathers
SP: Len McReynolds
RP: Happyears McNulty
RP: Odibe Yunk
CL: Qua Zitz-Shine

Full discography for The Lumps released

2011-11-10T19:09:00.000-05:00

Full-band LPs

Here Come The Lumps (1981)
Innocent Until Proven Funky (1984)
Hey Look, Those Lumps Are Still Around (1986)
No! Not The Lumps Again (1988)
We're Headed On Over (To Toilet Town) (1993)
One-Legged Lumps (1996)
That's Almost Enough Of The Lumps (1999)
The New & Improved Lumps (featuring Receding Hair Line Henry) (2003)
Peanut Butter Face (2004)
The Lumps Have (Reluctantly) Left The Building (2007)

Full-band live albums

Live In Applesauce (1992)
What Are We Even Doing Here? (1997)

Solo albums

Smells I Smell (Warren Lump, 1993)
Easy Sneezing (Sanjay Lump, 1995)
Wandering Into Traffic (Without You) (Betty Lump, 2001)

Horace Meglock: Biography Release Party Announcement

2011-11-09T14:50:00.004-05:00

Horace Meglock, former Staff Aquarium and well-liked astronaut, is being honored posthumously through a biography written by Gerrit Oberman. As most of you know, Dr. Meglock was lost to us after being kidnapped and forced to live in one Oscar Rainbow's basement while he was on a vacation to Indiana with his family, the Meglocks.

Meglock (Deceased)

An excerpt from the biography can be found below.

"Horace was a silly man, constantly trying to entertain. His sense of humor ran out, however, when the horrible Mr. Rainbow felt that the basement had become too cold. Citing research he had done, Rainbow claimed that Horace Meglock was a solid alternative to kindling wood, and threw Mr. Meglock into his furnace. Meglock's family watched with popcorn in hand as Horace slowly but surely perished and headed towards the next phase. " - Chapter 3, Page 67

The book is being released this Friday, and will be available for sale at all local Hey Jerk convenience stores for €49 (49 pounds). Please join us in restroom 4c for the celebration Thursday at 9 PM.

- Staff Novelist Warren Lump

HJ Bison Practice #3: Report

2011-11-09T10:59:00.004-05:00

Gary, Indiana - The Bison took the field this morning for their third practice in preparation for their season opener next week, and looked mentally and physically ready to dominate their competition. A few highlights from the practice below:

Ruso: Left practice at 14 minute mark to make "violent diarrhea" in the women's restroom (Reason for using women's restroom below)

Zyn: DNP. Was found nude and smoking a cigarette, locked in the men's restroom singing "God Bless America." When door was finally knocked down, Zyn barreled through security and ran into the woods, screaming about the economy.

Christensen: Ate a cheeseburger during a triple option where he was to pull and lead block left, was reprimanded with a whipping on the sideline by assistant coach Sherman.

Sherman: Pantsless. Refuses to say "hut" or "hike" in order to get Kavack to snap ball, insists on saying "Economy" instead. Photo taken after Sherman threw his 14th pick of the scrimmage (below)

Hu: Ate LG Christensen. Lineman becoming scared for lives.

O'Dea: Flashes the stands, while yelling "boo-yah!" Fans flee.

More updates to come.

- Staff Bison Man Warren Lump

Biggens "Moves On"

2011-11-08T12:51:00.002-05:00

Gevin Biggens, Staff Lunatic, has "moved on to the next phase," according to Staff 747 Gregory Maldoo.

Biggens

While Maldoo would not clarify what "moving on to the next phase" meant, it is believed that Biggens has moved to the city of Atlantis and will live out the remainder of his time on this Earth somewhere in the Pacific.

Please join us in not caring.

- Staff Biggens Man Beau Fimmons

HJ Bison Practice #2: Report

2011-11-08T12:43:00.004-05:00

***THIS NEWS IS BREAKING AND HAS BEEN CONFIRMED BY THOSE WITH KNOWLEDGE OF THE BISONS PRACTICE FACILITY***

Pat Zyn, WR and LB for the HJ Bison, was a no-show to practice today, which carries a 1 week no-cigarette punishment. 15 minutes after practice had begun, QB Kurt Sherman ran into the locker rooms screaming about the political climate in Russia. 3 seconds later, screams were heard coming from the depths of the facility. Upon further investigation, Sherman had located Zyn - nude in a trash can in Locker Room Beta. Zyn had 14 still burning cigarettes on his person and was mumbling something about "lack of dedication" on the Bison squadron. He was also found to be extremely intoxicated and needed 4 men to remove him from the trash can, as he screamed about "equality on this planet" and fought "for his rights."

The team has yet to decide what the punishment, other than the 1 week cigarette ban, will be.

Stay tuned for updates at The Jerk.

- Bison Lead Correspondent Warren Lump

Teams for upcoming GCSA season announced

2011-11-07T23:02:00.001-05:00

Southeast Conference

Cleveland Garys
4th Street Dollar Store
Grandma Bertha's Bombers
New York Albatross
Montreal Flooring and Carpet
Team 35
Pauly's Plumbing
FetaCheeseRocks.Com
Stan, Ralph and Ralph Law Associates
Dinkie's Oversized Tractors
Fred's Hot Dogs
Paulfield University Pauls
Victor's Vigilant Hobos
North Ave. Coffee Shop Yetis
San Francisco 94'ers

Northwest Conference

Mort's Hardware Lions
Nottingham Noodles
Enis Valley Torpedos
Delwood City Blue Octupus
The Pet Store Golden Hurricanes
Ferguson City Squash
Herzog Vipors
Team 4
Ervin Fishbine's Team
West Ferguson Alleycats
Warren Road
Clupitchtown Asparagus
LaSalle Street Crusaders
South Ewing Raiders
Sid's Sub Shop

Dulfman Machine Discovered

2011-11-07T22:04:00.002-05:00

Shocking news from Hey Jerk headquarters where a Dulfman machine was found in Capolo Forest late Monday. The Dulfmans, a famous peanut butter family that helped Uruguay win the 1988 Olympic games, were rumored to be extinct after former staff Larry Larry Dulfman was eaten whole by Bill Laimbeer during a May, 2011 basketball game against the Detroit Pistons. But Dulfman's son, Larry Jr. showed up in snow pants ("Hey Look, Dulfman's Got Snow Pants", Snow Pants Monthly, November 3, 2011) and will portray Richie Capooga in the plane plotzer's life story, due in theaters less than 580 years from now.

The exact location of the Dulfman machine won't be released to the press until all of the penguins arrive.

Full list of acts announced for music festival

2011-11-07T19:09:00.000-05:00

The first annual Noodles! Music Festival will take place December 2 at Lump Fairgrounds. Here is the final list of music acts expected to perform:

* Wu Wuttles and the Destroyers of Furniture
* O7
* The Ronaldos
* Pimple Paul and the Unpleasant Experience
* The New Jerkified (featuring the voice recordings of Rex Sanchules)
* Percy Klinger
* Peanut Butter Face
* Benny Boyle The Boil
* Sanjay and Little Pete
* Asparagus Tuesday
* Chud Chang and the Tadpoles
* Paddock
* The Mossy People (special guest Pud Carlson)
* Behind The Refrigerator
* Lenny Miles
* The Dandruff Brothers

For tickets call 555-7734

HJ Bison Practice Report: November 7th

2011-11-07T12:48:00.004-05:00

The Bison conducted their first practice today in preparation for their highly anticipated upcoming campaign. Several players showed up nude, and only one player, Jon Scottsten, showed up with clothes on (anklesocks). Sherman and Ruso showed up with shirts and undergarmies on, but no pants.

Practice Report, by Player:

Ruso: Ran 3 laps around HJ Field, fell down to floor and plotz in underwear. Sent to showers to think about what he had done.

Sherman: Arrived "raring" to go, pantsless. Picked off a deep out intended for Zyn, then removed the rest of his clothing and ran off the field and into traffic screaming. Now missing.

Hu: Ate center Brad Kavack, had to visit restroom.

Christensen: Was caught on sideline playing with his little guy. When approached, became violent and attempted to rape Coach Russo.

L. Russo: Kicked extra point (successful)

Zyn: Ran a deep out with cigarette in mouth, fell over and complained about pass interference call. Lit another cigarette.

B. Kovacik: Blew wind repeatedly when snapping ball, recovered Russo fumble and ran into wrong endzone.

Scottsten: Yelled something about the economy and walked to the locker room.

Harnisch: Showed up completely clothed and picked off 17 Sherman passes before making on the 50 yd line and departing.

M. Kavack: 1 pancake block.

O'Dea: Attempted to start a new company that constructs paper-mache footballs and sells them to prison inmates mid-practice. Hit the showers 20 min early.

Dead Karol: DNP

- Staff Bison Man Warren Lump Jr.

Rare drawing found

2011-11-03T23:25:00.005-04:00

A rare illustration of an egg boy was delivered anonymously to Jerk headquarters late Thursday night.

It's one of only two known egg boy drawings in existence. The other is on display at East Quinkly Asylum in the Rainbow Wing.

Dulfman Jr.: Bringing the Dulfman Clan Back to Prominence

2011-11-02T21:08:00.004-04:00

Larry Dulfman Jr., son of disgraced Staff Larry Larry Dulfman, is bringing it "back." He was offered, and immediately accepted, the leading role in the upcoming international blockbuster "Poo on a Plane: Richard Capooga v. the State of Illinois."

Dulfman Jr.

Cast

Larry Dulfman Jr. as Richie Capooga
Grits Murphy as the State of Illinois
Horace Binkley as Crazy Uncle Shane
"Frozengard" as the stuttering trashcan
Cleveland Booby as himself (cameo)
Grandpa Mo Shermania as Ol' Wiggles
Oscar Rainbow as the homeless walrus
Chung Fonway as the courthouse
Hector Didier as the Earth
Benny Wu as Gangster Willy
Alvin Pettaway as Shonsen Pepano IV

and introducing...

Koopa Gershowitz-Smith as Chuck Frozengard

Look for "Poo on a Plane" at a theater near you in April, 2590.

- Staff Film Man Warren Lump

Marty and the Penguins

2011-11-01T14:38:00.005-04:00

By Staff Correspondent Junior A. Sherman

Marty was the king of the penguin people (people not included), a group of northeastern Vohl responsible for the abduction of more than 15 uneaten pieces of toast (Toast Monthly, November 28, 1994). They had appointed Marty to his current post during the election of 1998, just two weeks after the winter artichoke-eating contest sent four produce managers to the electric water fountain (Murray Times, December 2, 1998). Marty was running against the incumbent, canary, who promised Chinese people, but couldn't deliver.

During his acceptance yodel, Marty nearly overdosed on podium, but survived.

In January, 1999, the penguins threw a parade for Marty on the morning of the 16th, but it was too late (it was evening by then), and Marty was instructed to insult a statistician, take two Jills and call for maps of Wyoming in the morning.

Blessed with the gift of a road atlas, they could finally afford a drummer and Marty and the Penguins performed nightly at The Above Ground Pool until Paul Penguin drowned (Penguin Daily, August 13, 1999) and the rest of the group vanished to Spanish.

Sazzle Arrested

2011-10-31T14:39:00.001-04:00

Mort's Hardware Lions reliever Bobby Sazzle was arrested Wednesday evening for public disturbance. Sazzle, who was a 2010 Gafreda County All-Star for the Nottingham Noodles but was traded for a bag of chocolate-covered cherries to Mort's Hardware in February, was brought into police custody after Sgt. Ernie Veltz had to be called to the 31-year old's two-story refrigerator box.

"Mr. Sazzle was screaming profanity at his goldfish, who he claimed was called "Uncle Amos", and was without pants when I asked him to calm down," Veltz said. "He refused and began to reenact the battle of lettuce mountain, which he said was 'the key scene' of a play he starred in in the 40s. I apprehended the suspect and placed him in the squad car and I believe he relieved himself on the back seat."

Lions' owner Herbert Landover II declined comment.

Hired: Igor Olshansky

2011-10-30T21:59:00.001-04:00

Staff Kory Ashirmen

Gahoo on the Run

2011-10-30T20:52:00.000-04:00

Alfredo Gahoo, self anointed "President of the Earth" and multi-trillionaire, has been charged with selling counterfeit merchandise and has fled the country. He is now to be considered "on the lam."

Gahoo

Gahoo, who's recent attempted sale of a Jason Bay autographed baseball card has been discovered to be a falsification (Actual signature is of one Randall Pepano), is widely known for his modeling spreads he did in the late 80's for Calvin Klein. It is believed that Gahoo is making his way towards Europe, either by boat or foot.

If you happen to locate Dr. Gahoo, please remain calm and begin reciting "Cats in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin.

Gahoo Bio

Name: Alfredo Gary Gahoo
DOB: 1-1-1901
Height: 3'9"
Weight: 4200 lbs (appr.)
Partner: Wendellberry Gahoo
Comments: Likes rectal warts and cabbage flinging tournaments, dislikes the Sun. Once attempted to travel to the Sun and take over by force, was thwarted when his friend Henry told him that the Sun said sorry.

- Staff Odor Warren Lump

Rare autographed card for sale

2011-10-30T20:01:00.001-04:00

Jason Bay 2011 Topps

Asking price: 6 thumb tacks
Email Alfredo at alfredogahoo@gmail.com

"It's a Buckles!"

2011-10-30T18:42:00.000-04:00

The title of this post was a quote taken from page 17 of the playbill for the new off-Garyway play "In Sawdust, We Pray" about lead actor Rory Buckles.

FEATHERSTOWN, 6:42 p.m. WST - The Jerk is proud to announce Buckles, along with family members Herman, B'Shontavian, Herman Jr., Ellis, Yolanda, Zybo9, Xavier III., Mariah, Purpitch, Wallace Genovese, Qwurner, Ellis Jr., and Chubby Carl have arrived at headquarters and will be occupying the 9th floor broom closet during the month of November.

Please claim your banana peel head dresses before the end of the day on October 31.

[NOTE: On Wednesdays, Rory Buckles will be referred to as Lyle Migliaccio].

Zybo9 Arrives

2011-10-27T16:52:00.000-04:00

Staff Assistant Alien

Wednesday cancellations

2011-10-26T14:29:00.002-04:00

* Fimply Bowling League

6:00 p.m. Herman Valley vs. The Bumpers, moved to November 3
7:30 p.m. Pepano, Jeltz & Ruso Law Office vs. Team 4, postponed (urinal door fire)

* Mustard Wars, NE Regional - cancelled
* Pointing/laughing at Marvin Percy - October 28 at 8:30 p.m.

Hey Jerk Wednesday Afternoon Gary

2011-10-26T13:42:00.003-04:00

Gary Gygax

(GAH-ree GUY-gacks)

Hey Jerk Recipes

2011-10-26T13:20:00.002-04:00

*Forehead & Sideburns Soup

- 8 ounces of Barry (or Harry) forehead skin
- 2 onions
- 1 stalk of celery (green)
- 4 Samanthas
- Between 55-60 sideburns
- 2 cups infant saliva
- 32 can chicken broth
- 1 can possum tails
- 6 paper clips

First, set forehead skin and sideburns aside. Next, chop onions and celery into small pieces and place in separate bowl. Bake Samanthas at 400 degrees for 15 minutes, then in a sauce pan boil saliva with possum tails. Place all ingredients in broth, boil for 45 minutes. When simmering, add forehead skin, sideburns and paper clips. Serve in Brandon Larson's toupee.

* Old Penlow family recipe

Quote of the Day - Kellen Bixley

2011-10-26T10:58:00.000-04:00

"There was a meeting once, and he lifted a leg and an odor ended up developing. And then he made like an 'I just beefed' face, like a kid would make. You know what little kid face I'm talking about."

Benny Wu: Hired

2011-10-26T09:33:00.002-04:00

Former HJ name of the day, Benjamin "Benny" Wu, has been hired as Staff Murderer.

Wu

Wu, famous for single handedly eliminating the entire Pepano family, will be responsible for all murders of staff members and innocent civilians. Wu is also taking over the Oberman investigation, as Staff President Fat Neck Glenn thinks a new set of eyes could be valuable.

Glenn remarked: "We've exhaused every mean we have at this time - Wu gives us a new perspective. I trust that he will get the job done and bring Oberman to justice, and death. We will then celebrate by having a group fecalation ceremony on Oberman's remains."

Wu Bio

Name: Benjamin Ralph Wu
DOB: 3-9-07
Height: 4"
Weight: Unknown
Partner: Hannibal Wu-Xomcheese
Experience: 1908-1979 - Staff Death Guy - oscarrainbow.blogspot.com
Comments: Loves midnight trips to jupiter, hates Oscar Rainbow and Robert Feathers

- Staff Wu Man Warren Lump

Rare autographed card for sale

2011-10-25T20:35:00.004-04:00

Dave Bush 2009 Topps card

$.15 or best offer
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

HJ Name of the Day

2011-10-25T13:49:00.001-04:00

Benjamin Wu

[BEN-JUH-MIN WU]

Staff Elevator Hired

2011-10-25T12:53:00.000-04:00

George Bipley, formerly Aaron Ballspeed, has been brought on as Staff Elevator.

Bipley

Bipley has over 50 years experience in the elevator industry, and once molested a striped bass.

Bipley Bio

Name: George Philibuster Bipley
Sex: M
Height: Unknown
Weight: 1,445 lbs.
Feet: yes
Hair: hidden
Partner: Walt Bipley III
Comments: Loves crop-dusting around children's playgrounds and watching reactions; dislikes walrus's and Robert Feathers.

Please discontinue use of the lobby elevators and use Mr. Bipley for all cross-floor transfers.

- Warren Lump

Hey Jerk Name of the Day

2011-10-24T18:08:00.001-04:00

Percy Werlitz

[PER-C WER-LITS]

Ballspeed Passes On

2011-10-24T12:42:00.001-04:00

Herman Ballspeed, younger brother of staff Ballspeed, Ricky, has died of desk lamp overdose. The 53-year old former eyebrow model was having a lamp on his lunch break when he ate too much and passed away.

Thousands were saddened by Herman's death, but only these three people were available:

"I didn't like the man when he was Larry Benson, and I don't like him now."

- Vanessa Ballspeed, sister

"Who? Never heard of him."

- Dr. Emmit Pinndle

"If I told him Darren, I told him Wendell times: the lamp goes in cord first. But the kid played by his own rules. Unfortunately, this time the lamp won. So I guess the final score is Desk Lamp 1, Herman 0, Cheese Pile 7."

- Anonymous

Herman's funeral is scheduled for October 27, but in 2017.

Mensh Barkley: R.I.W.

2011-10-23T01:14:00.000-04:00

Mensh Barkley died early Tuesday morning. His closest neighbor spoke at the funeral. Here's the eulogy in its entirety, except for the parts that are not included.

"I knew Mensh, maybe better than anyone, but probably not better than that guy sitting over there. He was a champion bobsledder, but he never bobsledded. Grew two kids in his garden-K'Peen and Dossandra-and bought a wife at a Chevron, Doot, who ate a sled full of hotdogs in 1943 and lived, then died.

Just to clear some things up, this is the official runaway train story: it was June 5, 1977. Mensh throws a stapler at a train while shouting profanities in his native Portuguese. Train flattens Mensh. Not dead, but oddly missing his dungarees. And his legs.

Humiliated by his father's refusal to have his own legs, K'Peen, took his own life in a vat of diet cola in 1998. I'll remember Mensh for his brown hair, and I'm afraid I can't think of anything else."

New Show To Star Ernest Bly

2011-10-21T00:54:00.001-04:00

Hey Jerk TV, in conjunction with that guy sitting over there with the yellow shirt on, has announced a new reality television show to debut in early-November. The show, tentatively titled "The Blys: A Look Inside Their Noses", will follow the day-to-day lives of the Bly family, namely Ernest Bly, his wife, Eleanor and their three illegitimate plums.

Ernest Bly

The show will also tackle a number of Bly family issues, including:

1. Why did Ernest attack a spider with a toothbrush on the night of October 8?
2. Who is Carlton Bursonavich and why is he paying rent to sleep in the Bly's bathtub?
3. The artichoke fight from last Thanksgiving and the chances of it happening again this year.
4. What happened to Grandpa Bly's pants?

The pilot is scheduled to air on HJTV November 6 at 8:00 p.m. Special guest stars expected to appear in the pilot include the guy from the alien movie with the mustache and Harvey Klinger, half man-half banana pepper.

Xomcheese Returns, Insane

2011-10-19T09:48:00.006-04:00

Edward Xomcheese, longtime editor and fan favorite here at The Jerk, has returned. Upon hearing of the rumors that he had gone missing, Xomcheese returned with a vengeance.

Xomcheese

Xomcheese released the following statement through his spokesman, Bob Brenly:

"I did not, despite reports to the contrary, EVER go missing. I simply chose a rebirth. I have traveled the world wide, from the United States to Canada, and have come back a man on a mission. That mission? To eliminate this blog from within. I will infiltrate. I will infest. I will destroy. Not one will survive, not even Glenn.

All of you remember me as the gracious Ed Xomcheese-harmless, kind, poo-giving. That Xomcheese is no more. My name is now Eddie Xomcheese The Great - and you will all suffer my wrath."

Authorities have been called.

- Staff Xomcheese Man Warren Lump

The Schmuliks: A Portrait

2011-10-18T01:22:00.003-04:00

** Staff photo: Herman Bunson
** Work commissioned by Jerry the Canary

Xomcheese Missing

2011-10-17T23:58:00.002-04:00

Staff editor Edward Xomcheese has reportedly gone missing, according to a guy sitting over there next to that other guy. Xomcheese was put on suspension for lettuce evasion for the entire month of June and when he returned an armadillo was growing in his hair. Though he did contribute to several breaking stories including Capolo Tinkled Himself Again (August 22, 2011) and News Story, Part 6 (September 8, 2011), Xomcheese went missing on several occasions in early October and Jerk officials feel the latest incident could signal the end of the 53-year old's tenure.

Xomcheese's lawyer, tractor, declined comment.

Ballspeed: Hired

2011-10-17T12:00:00.005-04:00

Richardson (Ricky) "Moondance" Ballspeed has been hired, according to Staff Moron Oscar Rainbow. Ballspeed is set to take on the role of Staff Ballspeed - chiefly responsible for recruiting or executing more Ballspeeds.

Moondance

Ballspeed, commonly mistaken for a coffee-pot with legs, has "had enough with the almond situation" around HQ, and will look to immediately recruit more Ballspeeds to deal with that and other "issues that need to be taken care of" around the office.

Ballspeed is famous for his cover photo on the Walnut Times (September, 1967), which he received for being voted the "Man of the Millennium - 1000 - 2000 A.D."

- Staff Walrus Fimby Fu

The Ronaldos Announce "Universe Tour"

2011-10-17T00:02:00.002-04:00

The Ronaldos

Ber Ronaldo - vocals, rhythm guitar, corn on the cob
Wikkits Ronaldo - drums, spatula, background vocals

2011 Tour

October 21 - Mud Pit, Capolotown
October 22 - above-ground pool, Paul's Pools-aisle 7
October 26 - Pluto
November 2 - The Tinkle, Feathers Village
November 4 - over there somewhere
November 9 - Highway 19, Exit 6 off-ramp
November 14 - Mustards, Mejitoville
November 15 - The Smiling Racoon, Ulandis City
November 23 - Balbonis, Cooper Valley
November 30 - the bed of Vince Paddock's truck
December 4 - Pisos, Pisotown
December 7 - Runway 11, Feathers International Airport
December 23 - North Pole
December 31 - Poopys, Sandwichville

Sunday cancellations

2011-10-16T15:26:00.006-04:00

* Adult softball, H League: Capolo Valley at Team 4, Pete's Paints at Meatballers B Team - postponed, makeup date October 23
* Walnut fight at Xomcheese Fairgounds moved to 5:00 p.m.
* Paint Cans On Ice: matinees cancelled

New Lump Falls Down, Gets Up

2011-10-15T19:51:00.004-04:00

7:52 p.m. GST - Elias Lump fell down, and a few seconds later got up and walked over there, according to an area underneath a couch with corn chip crumbs of the situation. It's the sixth such instance of Lump falling and shortly after doing other things since the 44-year old arrived in hamburger sandals Friday morning.

Harry, a potato with Verne Swenson's ears, declined comment.

- Lump correspondent (Northeast) Nettles Chur

Zecko Hired

2011-10-14T14:58:00.000-04:00

Claude Zecko
Staff Claude

Previous work experience: none
Military history: fought in the Many Zeckos War, wounded by sandpaper (January, 1962)
Favorite professional basketball player: Derrick "Moonshuffle" Nakeel
Family history: married an easter egg (April, 2001), divorced (June, 2001)

Favorite books:

1. "The Smells I Smell" by Boris Yumchee
2. "Famous Grass Clump Fights" Ed. Mick Standridge
3. "I'm OK, You Have an Odor Problem" by Deloris Leonard

Life goals: "eggplant-related" - Bernice McNicholson

Referral: Queh Employment Search Group, copyright 2011

Hey Jerk, Get Off My Lawn

BREAKING: Maglio Missing

Fredo Sanchules Annoints Self "President of the Earth"

Jerk hires another Coolie

Sanjay Lump Assassinated; Lump Ballot Candidates Released

Drawing Found

Sheridan Suffers Demise Moments After a Title

Jesusman Hired

Playoff schedule released

Monday cancellations

HJTV Introduces New Sitcom

Final Game of Bison Regular Season Has its Ups, Downs

Derner Returns

Meet A GCSA Team: Mort's Hardware Lions

Murton Gallego "Onboard"

Bison Throttle Mud People, Move To 8-1

Death Schedule **Updated**

Updated death schedule released

Life reevaluation list revealed

ELIMINATE THE CENTRAL TIME ZONE!

Rare photo found

Wednesday football betting lines

Okkaplokka era begins

Meet a GCSA Team: Herzog Vipors

Thursday Afternoon Death Report

Thursday cancellations

Bison Bye-Week Report

Rare drawing found

Hey Jerk staff put on an intensive Harold program

Monday Morning News - with Ronald Bergomac

Klossinger Arrives

Cast List for New Seppenitch Film Anounced

Colts Make Poopies, Bison Win

Bison Pick New Mascot

Martin "Finally" Hired

Meet A GCSA Team: Ervin Fishbine's Team

"Bison Embarrass Themselves"

Meet A GCSA Team: Enis Valley Torpedos

Meet A GCSA Team: East Ferguson Squash

Klauzenrodner Hired

FGUAA Staff List Released

Game 6 Recap: Bison at Provo High School (UT)

Bison Hire New Waterboy

Meet A GCSA Team: LaSalle Street Crusaders

Bison Suffer First Loss

Staff Cooley Hired

Game 4 Recap: Bison at 11 Guys Named Jerry

Meet A GCSA Team: Clupitchtown Asparagus

Rare rookie card for sale

Chung Hired

**Breaking** - Zyn Located

Game 3 Recap: Poddy Valley at Bison

Celebration, Part 2

Bison Postgame Notes: Week 2

Bison Move to 2-0

Glubfish Trials Begins

BREAKING: Editor Robert Feathers Jr. Missing

Bison Postgame Notes

Drawing Found at Scene of Capolo's Arrest

Game 1 Recap: Bison at Cleveland Browns Practice Squad

Percy: Alive

Rare Drawing For Sale

Meet A GCSA Team: Warren Road

Full discography for The Lumps released

Horace Meglock: Biography Release Party Announcement

HJ Bison Practice #3: Report

Biggens "Moves On"

HJ Bison Practice #2: Report

Teams for upcoming GCSA season announced

Dulfman Machine Discovered

Full list of acts announced for music festival

HJ Bison Practice Report: November 7th

Rare drawing found

Dulfman Jr.: Bringing the Dulfman Clan Back to Prominence

Marty and the Penguins

Sazzle Arrested

Hired: Igor Olshansky

Gahoo on the Run

Rare autographed card for sale

"It's a Buckles!"

Death Schedule Updated

Breaking - Zyn Located