Family basketball game turns ugly

Torkelson Valley, PQ - The annual basketball game between rival families the Torkelsons and the McCaffertys ended abruptly on Friday afternoon when little Billy Sherman was shot out of a canon after a third quarter foul call.

This artist rendering by staff editor Capolo Henderson depicts the exact moment when the nine-year old Sherman, who was subbing for the injured Walter McCafferty Jr. (pumpkin), was shot from the canon in what power forward/father William Torkelson called "the last time that kid ever throws an elbow in the paint".

The Torkelson family has fled the scene in their bus and are considered dangerous(ly full of pasta fazul), though experts believe the hunt for the family will end soon as TORKELSON is written on the side of the bus.

Also: after draining a step-back jumper from 10 feet late in the first quarter, Grandpa Paul "will spend the remainder of his days lying down on the front lawn next to a pile of spilled barbecue sauce," according to the family tree, Elijah.

The second sun, Valerie, declined comment.

Orsh Zolloway: HIRED

Hey Jerk Productions and Watermelons is proud to announce the hire of former Theo Buxley, Orsh Zolloway.

Orsh

Zolloway Bio

Name: Orshoff Zinn-Zolloway-Queh
DOB: 1/1/1
Arms: 1
Legs: 3
Feet: Unknown
Noses: 7 (5 not pictured (mule))
Favorite spice: Chipotle Chile Powder
Weiner: N/A
Partner: Ralph Soffo (deceased); Idiot Marley (present)
Notes: Loves the Cleveland Cavaliers, walks on the moon; dislikes Asia











Please join us in welcoming Orsh on as Staff Grapefruit.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

Fubb: no longer.

The Fubb family (F.F.) lost one of its finest (F) on Friday (glenn) when Wendell Fubb (W.F.g.) ingested more than five soccer balls and passed on to Fubb Land (486).

"A person can swallow three soccer balls and still survive, but four, and especially five, is fatal," shed a someone.

Fubb is survived by a drawing of his goldfish, Marty.



Here's Fubb in late-2014 after receiving the Donald Dimoggio Award for Toothpaste Hoarding

Wow!



Fubb Facts

* Played defensive back for the Jacksonville State University football team (2001-2004)

- Had team-high six interceptions as a sophomore. Suspended for last two games for violating team rules (parking lot ham fights)

* Played 'Mr. Giles' in the 1989 play Death Of A Salesman's Chevy


Famous quotes

[Selected by Ms. Jasper's 4th grade class at Durly Elementary School]


After pleading "not guilty" to intent to distribute (lettuce)

"Please, leave my family of salt packets alone. We've suffered enough."

To young Billy Boddingsley in the 2006 film Get On Out Of Here

"Good bye and good luck on your midterms"