June 22, 2013

HIRED AS PAPER HANDLER INTERN


Missing Item Announcement

The employees of Hey Jerk are seeking assistance in finding an important missing item.

Last Tuesday at 7:52 AM, the yellow Colonel Mustard piece from the headquarters' Clue board game was declared missing.

The piece was last seen  in the possession of Mrooble Fonchonski as he moved it to the board's "Conservatory" room.
Clue Conservatory room where item was last seen


"I can't imagine where it could be. The whole atmosphere around here has changed since we lost that Colonel Mustard piece," said distressed employee Nope Bradley. "It's like... you just don't know who you can trust anymore."

"I don't understand why someone would take THAT piece," Adande Sanchules was rumored saying. "Especially when the Mr. Green piece was right next to it!"

A reward of $752 is offered for the timely return of the item. Please contact The Jerk headquarters via telegram or morse code should you have any information on the disappearance.

June 21, 2013

Open Position: Paper Handler Intern



The Jerk is seeking a Paper Handler Intern to join an already vibrant team at its company headquarters. If you enjoy looking at paper, separating Post-It notes and standing near printers, then this may be the position for you!

Requirements:
-          experience handling paper
-          ability to hand sheets and stacks (up to ten individual sheets) of paper to others
-          basic paper folding and crumpling skills
-          familiarity with various types of paper - tissue, office and cardboard
-          proven experience making marks on paper with a writing utensil (pen or pencil preferred)
-          ability to lift up to 0.5 lbs of paper products using no more than two hands
-          glue

Compensation:
The Jerk offers competitive compensation for the Paper Handler Intern position. We are willing to go as high as one sliced pineapple (stem included) per annum for the right candidate. While full benefits are not included, we do have an excellent in-office dermatologist available for consults between the hours of 10:32 - 10:47 AM in the janitor's closet.

Contact:
Like what you've read? Please contact HR director J.P. Poppadopalis (include your resume and the resume of a past pet snail) prior to 2015 at j.popp@thejerkhr.com.

June 20, 2013

Feathers Contract Official

Bob Feathers has agreed to co-manage the St. Louis Cardinals later this month in a winner-take-Mort Binley RBI baseball tournament.

Feathers and Mark Ruso will manage the Cardinals, who last won an RBI title in the 40s.

June 10, 2013

Poppings Family Arrives

"The Poppings Family! Now we can really get peanut butter sculptures completed."

- Bartolo Colon impersonator Edward Xomcheese


Fearing a possible Jeroo dynasty, the Poppings family (Ann Arbor, Michigan) have arrived at Jerk headquarters and immediately declared Horace on the Jeroos.

The battle is expected to begin in late-June with several thousand from both families participating in winner-take-Ernie racquet ball.


The Poppings

Lance Poppings
Ziizzo Poppings
Hillary Tomulkins-Poppings
"Pops" Poppings
Greg Galloway
Perry Poppings
Xavier "Big Cantaloupe" Poppings
Peeps Poppings
Terry Jeroo
Possum Poppings
Bernard Bly
Plopps Poppings
Little Cantaloupe Poppings
Vaz Poppings
Wendy Jeroo
Piano Keys Poppings
Footballhelmet Poppings
Carla Poppings-Jeroo
Pweeg-hanavitz Poppings
Jim


Source: Poppings Family Historical Society & Rat Trap Warehouse

The Jeroo's have ARRIVED

Captain Jeraldo Jeroo Esq.














Those in the 147th Western Seaboard Jeroo Infantry (Report directly to Captain Jeroo)

Ol' Chadwich Jeroo
Ben Jeroo
Lil' Horatio Jeroo Jr.
Oat-slinger Jeroo
Pitstop Jeroo
Ed
LaJaMichael Jeroo
Gary "Twinkle Nostrils" One-Foot Jeroo
Bill Clinton

All other Jeroos please email Oscar Rainbow at oscarrainbow@gmail.com immediately for elimination.

June 5, 2013

Wednesday cancellations

* P.F.C. (Paper Football Championships)
All games moved to June 12

- Jurgenson vs. Poffy
- Zizzitch vs. Okkawondo
- Pepano vs. Crugg

* Stapling things to Moe Puckett - moved to June 9, 1:30 p.m.

* Dishwashing detergent drinking contest - postponed indefinitely

* 2:30 p.m. classes cancelled at Queh College & Raisin Factory:

- Page Turning
- How To Eat Many Raisins At One Time
- Philosophegy 201