Hey Jerk Bison baseball manager Orwyn Lyle has announced the final roster for it's B team. The team, which begins practice Friday and its 2013 season April 8, will play its games at historic Pepano Field At Crugg Field (436 Quigg Avenue, Noodletown).
2013 Bison B
Manager - Orwyn Lyle
Coaches - Hwang Jei-Hwuang, Shui Bwitz-Dwon, Timothy "Eeeps" Onnderdale, Pigeon Daniels
Pitchers
C.C. Vanderells
Rusty Feet Sanderson
B'Qwan Addersen
Earlobe Charles
Heyoti Oksuey
Paco Queh
Eggplant Face
Miles Corcoran
E.R. McKinston
Infielders/catchers
Zon Otis
Vinnie Blotch
Kweeshon Dunmark
Noo Noo Nettles
The Celery
Wazzer Winicklia
Kraffonso Uldeen
Hoo Hwan-Zeeshu
Outfielders
Marty Eefis
Woggy Wu
Wipsey Wu
Jose Orades-Uusted
Zat Yoshenastitz
P'Qwayshon McReynolds
Clarence Oople
Possum Tail Marbury
February 27, 2013
February 22, 2013
Dwimple wins 43,000 meter run
Kolydis Dwimple, great-grandson of legendary goldfish-eating contest champion Horkin Dwimple, has become the youngest ever to win the gold ear in the 43,000 meter run.
Dwimple, 19. started the race January 28 and outlasted all other competitors. The closest to Dwimple was Korean native Hwang He-Kwong, who made it 36,400 meters before passing away under the 11th Street bridge.
The race, which originated in the 1970s as a fundraiser to find homes for runaway potatoes, was seen in 37 countries by over 100 people. Hahingesh Hooheh, Mayor of Powe Valley, the race's host city, declared July 4th to be "Kolydis Dwimple Day".
Dwimple is scheduled to appear on The Shonsen Pepano Show and Is It Morning Already? with Connie Torkelson & Vince Mashore next week.
Dwimple, 19. started the race January 28 and outlasted all other competitors. The closest to Dwimple was Korean native Hwang He-Kwong, who made it 36,400 meters before passing away under the 11th Street bridge.
The race, which originated in the 1970s as a fundraiser to find homes for runaway potatoes, was seen in 37 countries by over 100 people. Hahingesh Hooheh, Mayor of Powe Valley, the race's host city, declared July 4th to be "Kolydis Dwimple Day".
Dwimple is scheduled to appear on The Shonsen Pepano Show and Is It Morning Already? with Connie Torkelson & Vince Mashore next week.
February 17, 2013
Poog Cronin Missing
Pooglavich Q. Cronin, formerly Bonk Boogie, has gone missing.
Cronin
Cronin was last seen exiting the 213th floor east restroom, where he was known to frequent during his time as Staff Mule Milker here at the Jerk. After investigation, initial findings have shown that Cronin left a 49.3 and failed to file the proper paperwork, which may explain his sudden disappearance. According to section 14b of the bylaws, one must file immediately after doo-age or be extracted via helicopter directly to the White House for questioning and torture followed by likely death.
Evidence at the "scene" has also shown that Cronin left his prized left sneaker, Puma, in the stall where the offense occurred. It is well known that Cronin never travels without Puma and his trusty sidekick Al.
All of the evidence leads us here at the Jerk to believe that Cronin is "on the lamb," possibly without underwear. If located, please do not attempt to approach Poogie - he is believed to be in possession of firearms and an oversized can of clams, which he has had a history of abuse of. Instead, please call the ICPWWFPCEH (International Coalition of People Who Want to Find Poog Cronin and Eat Him) at 1-800-EAT-POOG (All calls are subject to $12.99 fee).
Updates to come.
- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers
Cronin
Cronin was last seen exiting the 213th floor east restroom, where he was known to frequent during his time as Staff Mule Milker here at the Jerk. After investigation, initial findings have shown that Cronin left a 49.3 and failed to file the proper paperwork, which may explain his sudden disappearance. According to section 14b of the bylaws, one must file immediately after doo-age or be extracted via helicopter directly to the White House for questioning and torture followed by likely death.
Evidence at the "scene" has also shown that Cronin left his prized left sneaker, Puma, in the stall where the offense occurred. It is well known that Cronin never travels without Puma and his trusty sidekick Al.
All of the evidence leads us here at the Jerk to believe that Cronin is "on the lamb," possibly without underwear. If located, please do not attempt to approach Poogie - he is believed to be in possession of firearms and an oversized can of clams, which he has had a history of abuse of. Instead, please call the ICPWWFPCEH (International Coalition of People Who Want to Find Poog Cronin and Eat Him) at 1-800-EAT-POOG (All calls are subject to $12.99 fee).
Updates to come.
- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers
February 16, 2013
Lazlo Found
Jo he Jo - Startling news out of the rubber ear valley as Otis Lazlo was found living in an oak tree. The Lazlo family, which earned a sizable fortune in the 1960s by inventing the talking bath tub, had believed to be extinct after siblings Vince and Samantha Lazlo passed away from caterpillar overdose in 2002 and Constance Lazlo fell out of a moving van and was later eaten by a crow in 2004.
But Saturday's finding leaves scientist, tangerine, wondering whether other Lazlos could be lurking in other areas of the world, perhaps even over there somewhere.
In other news, Perry Paulsen purchased a new toothbrush.
But Saturday's finding leaves scientist, tangerine, wondering whether other Lazlos could be lurking in other areas of the world, perhaps even over there somewhere.
In other news, Perry Paulsen purchased a new toothbrush.
February 11, 2013
Families That Are "On Their Way" And Their Esteemed Leaders
Ballsac Family (est. circa 1702, Uruguay)
- Honk Ballsac (1702 - present)
Bobax Family (est. unknown from parts unknown)
- Fartinshire Bobax (unknown, believed to be a mule-man)
Poop Family (est. 1430, London)
- Stockton Poop (1339 - present, running on '19 ticket with Cleveland Booby)
Fimply Family (est. 1999, Conyers, GA)
- Palfonious Fimply (1990 - present, Burger King)
Feathers Family (est. 147, Pluto)
- Robert Feathers, M.D. (1987 - 2013, RIP)
Del Foo Family (est. 1880, China)
- Horatio Del Foo (1776 - present, current President of Russia)
Onntheirwaye Family (est. unknown)
- Thehre Onntheirwaye (believed dead)
- Staff Family Man Rolph Wegland
- Honk Ballsac (1702 - present)
Bobax Family (est. unknown from parts unknown)
- Fartinshire Bobax (unknown, believed to be a mule-man)
Poop Family (est. 1430, London)
- Stockton Poop (1339 - present, running on '19 ticket with Cleveland Booby)
Fimply Family (est. 1999, Conyers, GA)
- Palfonious Fimply (1990 - present, Burger King)
Feathers Family (est. 147, Pluto)
- Robert Feathers, M.D. (1987 - 2013, RIP)
Del Foo Family (est. 1880, China)
- Horatio Del Foo (1776 - present, current President of Russia)
Onntheirwaye Family (est. unknown)
- Thehre Onntheirwaye (believed dead)
- Staff Family Man Rolph Wegland
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