Winkelhaus Dead

Chemp Winkelhaus, former governor of over there someplace and the "fifth Lump", passed away Thursday night. Police reports indicate a witness saw Winkelhaus enter his Ruso Avenue home at around 9:45 p.m., then steak sauce began pouring out of the windows and chimney and Winklehaus was pronounced dead of a steak sauce overdose at 10:10 p.m.

A funeral has been scheduled for June 2 at 1:00 p.m., though no one on staff appreciated Winkelhaus' stance on same-sex deck sanding, and a light crowd is expected.

- Staff correspondent J.P. Poppadopolis

Celery woman found

A startling discovery was made Thursday afternoon as what looks to be the fossil of a celery woman was found near Jerk headquarters. The staff member who found the fossil wishes to remain anonymous for fear of backlash from the S.M. (Salad Massagers).

According to staff vegetable historian Hans Mejito, the celery people date back to the early-1600s and were wiped out during the carrot stick uprising of 1748.

Other modern celery woman facts

* May, 1938 - piece of a celery woman found in Merle Jorgensen's toupee. Jorgensen later admitted to planting in the toupee a stalk of celery from the local grocery store.

* August, 1957 - celery woman skeleton discovered in the glove of New York Giants' outfielder Hank Sauer.

* January, 1991 - Museum of World History & Cafeteria unveils its new wing, 'Celery Woman of the 1600s.'

* False celery woman sightings since 1992:

- April, 1998: Herman Bly
- May, 1998: Herman Bly (Bly imprisoned for two counts of false celery woman sightings. Marries warden of prison in August, 1998, becomes Mr. Herman Warden).
- December, 2003: Shonsen Pepano

Oh Ok Hired

Oh Ok
Staff Oh Ok


Playing history

Baseball:
1992-1996 - second baseman for the Capolo Wombats. Hit .208 with 11 singles in 1995.
1997-1999 - ball boy for the Drunville Blastos. Hit by foul ball, May, 1998. Declared dead, 5/98, declared half-alive 6/98. Declared officially alive by Herman Bechtold (1/99).
Late-1999-2003 - fake limp (ranked 7th nationally)

Football:
2004-2005 - six tackles for the Huntsville Rusos

Soccer:
2008-2010 - Asparagus

New Staff Member, Oh Ok, is DEAD!

Oh Ok (DEAD!)

Ohossovitch O-kay Harris-Winstein has been eaten by an ostrich's fanny. Oh was well known for his belly dancing talents, in addition to his 17 noses. "One of these noses is dedicated to the suffering children of Jupiter," Ok used to remark, "and to my 4 donkey children, Ralph, Betty, Ralph and Ralph."

Ok will not be missed. Applications to urinate on his remains are being taken, and the waiting list is currently just north of 4,000,000 souls.

- Staff Ok Man Randolph Phui

Frozengard Missing; Rhino Attack Feared

Chuck Frozengard, retired Staff Hobo and local idiot, has gone missing from his perch above Jerk HQ, where he has been living in peace and blowing wind since late 2011.

Frozengard (Last known photo)

While little is known about the reclusive lifestyle Frozengard has embraced over the past year, a few facts have been verified as to his daily routines:

- He makes at 9 AM, 10 AM, 11:30 AM, 11:45 AM, 1 PM, 2 PM, 4 PM, 7 PM, 7:05 PM, and 9:30 PM daily

- He comes down from his perch to hunt gorilla at 3 PM every day

- He befriended a rhino (Gerard) in early 2012. Began "mating" with Gerard March, 2012

- Was seen arguing with Gerard late Apriil, 2012. Gerard overheard threatening attack on Frozengard
"and his people" for "rights due the Rhino civilization"

Other than these few facts, Frozengard's life remains a secret. He went missing from his perch yesterday evening, and is feared deceased

UPDATE: A ransom note has been located on HQ premises. Demands include "Rights due the Rhino civilization," a bag of salted walnuts, Ernest Zeck, and 14 dollars Canadian. Staff President Fat Neck Glenn has not yet decided if he will comply, or let Frozengard "move on to the next phase."

- Staff Frozengard Man Alfonse Quegg

Tuesday cancellations

* E.P.B.L. (East Pepano Bowling League)

7:00 p.m. The Bumpers 2 vs. Team 4, moved to June 3
8:30 p.m. Gomdagadeel vs. Stoogins, Wu & Pershack Law Office, postponed (pigeon)

* Chewing on Marvin Percy's fingers - moved to June 10 at 7:30 p.m.
* Ketchup Wars, SW Regional - cancelled

New Teen Wolf Too Shirts Available

Staff member Ernest Zeck is modeling the Jerk's brand-new Teen Wolf Too t-shirts.

Yellow with brown Teen Wolf Too logo: $45 each
email c.compelio@gmail.com to order

Hu Maintains Possession of HQ; Minkus Plans Counterattack

The evil John Hu, who recently invaded Jerk HQ while killing over 400 innocent civilians (including little Randall Moo), has taken over HQ and released a new photo and statement through his advisor, Francois Crugg.

Hu

"I have invaded. I have eaten Bill Schroeder, and have made in Minkus's private facility. The reign of the Jerk is over, expect Hu world domination to follow. Over and out - Hu"

In response to this statement, Fat Neck Glenn Minkus had no response from his secret dungeon location deep inside Rainbow Forest. Expect a counterattack in the coming days.

- Staff Hu Man Warren Lump

Meet a GCSA Team: Team 4

Location: Atlanta, GA
Team name: Team 4
Stadium: Blackburn Park at Janis Field
Capacity: 22,000
Owner: vacant
GM: vacant
Manager: vacant
Last season: 0-41, 15th place
Southwest Conference

C: L'Rondae Appelby
1B: Paul Powe
2B: Buddy Samples
SS: Alvaro Espinoza
3B: Johnny Derwood
RF: Carol Hezzish
CF: Tommy Dent
LF: Pete Zyn
UT: Pervis Powe

SP: Stefan
RP: Mort Russo

BREAKING: HU ATTACK, HQ EVACUATED

John Hu has attacked.

Keeping with his word, Hu attacked HQ early this morning, killing just north of 400 innocent civilians (little Barry Foo Jr. lost his life in the struggle) and eating 14 walri during the "disaster."

Hu (Photo taken by Eli Bly earlier this morning)

As a result of this unprovoked attack, HQ has been evacuated until President Minkus can offer further direction. Stay tuned for updates on Hu and his reign of "Hu-dom."

- Staff Hu Man Warren Lump

Moron Added To Tennis Team

The Hey Jerk Bison tennis team, which is coming off consecutive clay-eating contest championships, has signed to the team amateur singles champion Ben Moron. It's the second free agent signing in the past week for the Bison, who Monday inked one-armed Janet Jolsen to a 5-year deal.

"Finally, we have a moron," said tennis coach Horace Sponks. "This team, and this site, has been full of jerks for years, now we have a moron to balance things out. Plus, the kid can eat sandpaper like no one I've ever seen. He'll come in handy in September."

Moron, part-cocker spaniel, will live in the woods for a three-week period, as is G.M.T.A. (Glenn Minkus Tennis Association) rules.

Foogaah Al-PooKahKah Finally On Board

Foogaah Al-PooKahKah, of the Ontario Al-PooKahKah's, has finally been brought "onboard" by Staff President Fat Neck Rodney Glenn Minkus. Foogaah will immediately take on the role of Staff Coolie.

Al-PooKahKah

Once known as an international terrorist, Al-PooKahKah has since changed his ways, and his underwear, to those that are more fitting of a three legged man. He has taken to the teachings of our lord, Ed, and his beloved followers, the Eddians.

"As the great Ed once said - a shoe not being worn is a shoe without a foot." This is the motto that Foogaah lives by, the motto that has gotten him through his self-proclaimed "dark times."

The story goes that after murdering a mongoose in late 1994, Mr. Al-PooKahKah saw the light, or lights, of a large 747 coming straight his way. He was hit, and later found on the planet Zoopakavitch, where he was forced to conform to Zoopakavitchian law and their ruler, the Great Sal Capizzi. Capizzi took to Al-PooKahKah, appointing him his war general, and Foogaah conquered the evil Mercurians and bombed the planet into oblivion (Mercury: 0 - 1994 A.D.)

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Al-PooKahKah on board, where he will be sure to please coolies "all over HQ."

- Staff Warren Ted Mummp




Complimentary Photo

Hooheh On Board

Hahingesh Hooheh
Staff Kurt Rambis

Updated death schedule released

May
24 - Warren Foo

June
3 - Dingle Dingy
9 - Vic Delmonico
17 - Vincent Braybush & ferret

July
14 - Maude Mejito
20 - Musical group Earwax

First Dingy Hired

Dingle Dingy has been hired as Staff Lookout, Jerk officials announced Tuesday. Dingy, who has Arthur Ribeniwitz growing out of his back, will begin his apprenticeship May 18, and is expected to become a full-time staff member in February, 2013.

"It's an honor to work for this site," Dingy said. "I remember when I read my first post, back in 1988, and they were talking about the first burrito on the moon. Then in 1996, the Jerk reported on the ear wax coming out of Larry Cheevers' ears. Now I'm on the staff. It's a great day for the Dingy family and its half-man half-asparagus overlords."

Ribeniwitz declined comment, though he did sneeze three times.

Qwongdoore Arrives

Qwongdoore, from the planet Murray, has arrived at Hey Jerk headquarters with a plan, according to a person with knowledge of plans.

The 30,000,000-light year old is an expert on the 1992 Milwaukee Brewers and has over 400 rhymes for the word 'purshonaflonce'. Qwongdoore will address the media in a Tuesday afternoon press conference at 2:30 p.m., held at Mejito Family Restaurant at town square in Mudtown.

Super Harvey Arrives, Fights Crime Around HQ

Harvey Gladsphere, Formerly Ed Smith, has pronounced himself "Super Harvey" and will begin fighting crime with "nothing but his fists, his will, and his ding-a-ling."

Harvey

Harvey, once eaten by a giraffe, has regained the strength in his only remaining arm and has vowed to use it "for good." He released the following statement through his PR team, led by Joe Maglio (deceased):

"I vow to fight crime."

Harvey can be expected to be dead within a week.

- Staff Harvey Man R.T. Hoobopo

Ploops Release Band's First Publicity Photo

Left-to-right:
Horatio Ploop (lead guitar, lead vocals), Toots (hum, whistle, bass guitar), Boris Ploop (drums, harmony vocals)

REPORT: Recently Hired Lou Holtz Eaten by Rabid Hippo

Lou Holtz, hired on as Staff Holtz and doody sniffer, has been eaten. Reports out of Kuala Lumpur have Holtz being attacked by a rabid hippo, ending his existence. An onlooker was lucky enough to snap a photo of the event in action, seen below.

Holtz, a retired golf ball inspector and avid donkey entusiast, had taken up residence in Kuala Lumpur after an incident with a horse in Utah caused him to flee the States. While it is not public knowledge exactly what occured on that winter night in snowy U-to the-izzAh, it is believed an infant cow and a bottle of brady was involved.

Holtz post-attack (Eaten)

Holtz will be remembered at the Jerk for his lengthy conversations about his morning bowel movements, and for the time in 1906 when he was found trying to scuba dive in the 4th floor east urinal.

- Staff Holtz Man Dr. Warren Lump

Ploops: The Ultimate Collection for sale

Every album recorded by The Ploops is now available in one collection!


PLOOPS: THE ULTIMATE COLLECTION

1979 - It's Time For A (Steaming Pile of Ploops)
1982 - She Blinded Me With Dishwashing Detergent
1985 - Assault With a Deadly Slipper
1989 - I Think We May Have Run Over That Squirrel
1994 - (Countin' On) The Mud People
1998 - At A Healthy Distance From The Ploops
2005 - Salami Boogie
2012 - All Of The Ploops Were Eaten By A Giraffe

* Available on CD, cassette or vinyl record *


Call 555-3711 to order

Holtz Hired

Jerk officials have announced the hiring of Louis Holtz as Staff Lou Holtz. Mr. Holtz, who coached the 1983 Hey Jerk Bison to a 2-11 record and had seven of his players eaten by a mule in November 2005, will be in the basement broom closet, snacking on pigeon until he is called for duty.

Mr. Holtz brought along his assistant, Wally, a cashew that lives in his arm pit.

Rare drawing found

A rare drawing of Harold "Horace" Gafreda was found at Jerk headquarters. It is believed to be an early-20th century illustration of the former pumpkin dictator, and is available for sale until June 11, "the day the pumpkins fight back".


$2,500
email c.compelio@gmail.com to make an offer

Meet a GCSA Team: Stan, Ralph and Ralph Law Associates

Location: Conyers, GA
Team Name: Stan, Ralph and Ralph Law Associates
Stadium: Morris the Cat's Litter Box
Capacity: 0
Owner: Stan Fonway
GM: Ralph Fonway
Manager: Ralphy-Ralph Peskowitz
Last Season: 20-21, 9th place Northwest Conference

Roster

1B: Stan Fonway
2B: Stanley Fonway Jr.
SS: Chet Winklebon
3B: Jose Lind
LF: Ralph Fonway
CF: Tunaman
RF: Ralphy-Ralph Peskowitz
C: Lil' Quembo

SP: Ed Murdock
SP: Yu Sha Wu Fen Li
SP: Chung Fonway
RP: Bip Bipperd
RP: Gary
CL: Domination Harris

Warrin Ashirmin Passes; Hey Jerk Fans Riot

Long time Horace and Staff Canary Warrin Ashirmin has passed. Ashirmin was battling an over 7-year battle with Rhinoceros disease, which leads one to slowly and painfully turn into a rhinoceros. He lost that battle, and his pants, Thursday morning. A riot ensued outside HJ Headquarters, during which 4 year old Yancey Schwegg forfeited his life.

Ashirmin (DEAD)

Ashirmin was well known for his pro-Pluto stance. He had traveled the Earth petitioning for Plutoism "around the globe." He believed that all Pluto-related items should be worshipped, and that Plutonians should be allowed safe refuge on Earth from the evil Plutonian dictator, Jim.

Ashirmin had a rabid donkey living in his naval, which lead some to believe that he was the antichrist. While this was never proven, several historians are certain that this was the case.

On several occasions, Dr. Ashirmin was seen dining with his pet walrus, Ed. Speculation that they had become sexually "involved" was confirmed when a paparazzi photographer caught them making hand love in the backseat of Ashirmin's 1964 Ford Pinto.

Ashirmin's services will be held at the National Museum of Waffles in Cleveland this Saturday. It is open to the public.

- Staff Raul Beau Fimmons

Hey Jerk basketball team formed

The Hey Jerk Bison of the M.M.S.B.A. (Mort Mejito Summer Basketball Association) made its final cuts Friday evening. Here is the final roster:

Head coach: Harvey Plumme
Assistant rabbit: Hops
Assistant in charge of gathering/distributing ice packs: Paul Paulfield III
Spirituality: the ghost of Dr. Crugg

Guards
Little Pete
Roscoe Albergheny
Vinnie Doo
K'Shontae Nettles
Earwax Duttlesby

Forwards
Xavier Nakeel
Hector Ku
Big Forehead Carl
Morris Nathaniel
Horace Ku
Zeke Bly

Centers
The Experience
Percy Swoopes
Larry Dulfman

Warren Foo Directs Autobiographical Film

Special Agent Warren Foo, of the Utah Foo's, has directed a film about himself, Warren Foo. The film details a troubled childhood, during which "Lil' Warry" was beaten by his classmates (Resulting in loss of arms and severe brain damage), through a successful FBI career which has taken Dr. Foo "to new levels." A self proclaimed doctor, Foo captures the essence of a blessed life, through fantastic acting and great visuals of his multiple beatings as a child. Foo even manages to encapsulate his famed "Voyage to the Moon" during which Dr. Foo self propels himself the the moon and has a Timmy Bly sandwich.

Cast

Warren Foo as Himself












Yancey Pee as young David Schmagoo (bully)
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor as himself (cameo)
Art Bumpkin as the evil President of the Moon Ed Foo
Peter Bo as Underwear Martin
Sam Sanchules as Big Al Firepants
Popo Qwimm as Professor Donald
Rimbert Holmschmidt (deceased) as the bag of walnuts
Walter Van Shleevovich as the Volkswagon Beetle
Li Lu Fu Kuo Mi as Mrs. Foo
Bob Blompton as Warren Foo's left arm

and introducing.....

Igg Wannowitz as Martin Foppowitz, GM of the Minnesota Mustard

Coming to a theater near you in August, 2003!

Rare Card For Sale

The baseball card collection of Paco Bly, who Saturday evening was eaten by a rhino named Steve Garrison, is now available during the Jerk's 1st annual Auction & Lettuce Fight. The Bly collection, which includes the 2012 Milwaukee Brewers 'DEAD' card and the 2005 card depicting Bly without his pants and covered in fire ants, will have an opening bid of $12,000.

Rainbow Eaten by Rabid Baboon

Oscar Rainbow, spotted yesterday running in the nude in San Juan, has been eaten by a rabid baboon. Facts are trickling in, and it is not known at the current time whether or not Dr. Rainbow survived the meal. One lucky sightseer was able to snap a photo of the event, seen below.

Rainbow (Possibly deceased)

The baboon was last seen scurrying into Derwood Forest - a dangerous, and some believe, haunted, place. Authorities were instructed not to pursue the baboon - a young attorney at law named Wayne - into the darkness. The current police strategy is to let Dr. Rainbow "fend for himself," and hope that he is digested and fecalated properly by Wayne Tolleson, a hero amongst baboons in Antarctica.

A funeral service will be held for Dr. Rainbow tomorrow evening at Rainbow and Rainbow Construction Inc. headquarters in Moscow. The public is welcome to attend.

- Staff Rainbow Man Stinky Phopp

Woman Eats Sandwich

Breaking news out of the Petunia/Crugg camp as campaign director Brenda L'Shon has eaten a ham sandwich, according to a counter top familiar with the situation.

It's the 17th ham sandwich L'Shon has consumed since the beginning of April, which breaks the Norris County record and automatically qualifies the 33-year old for the 2016 Lettuce Olympics.

During her weekly speech in a kiddy pool in her backyard, L'Shon thanked a pine cone named Robert.

**BREAKING** Rainbow Spotted in San Juan

Recently escaped lunatic and staff editor Oscar Rainbow was briefly spotted this morning in San Juan, according to Office Alfonce D'Qwegg of the San Juan Foot Odor Police. D'Qwegg was able to snatch a photo before Rainbow ran off screaming into the darkness.

Rainbow

After an initial investigation of potential witnesses, one Googo Tilapia came forward with an eyewitness account of the last few moments before Rainbow's disappearance:

"Dr. Rainbow was standing in the middle of the street with a confused look on his face. He started screaming 'I have a coolie?! All of these years and I didn't know that I had a damn coolie?! You'll pay for this! The United States of America will pay for this injustice, if its the last thing Oscar Rainbow does on this Earth! My coolie will not go unheard!"




Then, Dr. Rainbow ran off screaming, as reported by Office D'Qwegg.

Just another footnote in the saga of Dr. Oscar Rainbow, esteemed editor and World's Most Insane Human (WMIH).

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Rainbow, please contact the HJPD at HJPD@gmail.com.

- Staff Rainbow Man Stinky Phopp

Petunia Hired On Probationary Basis

2:11 p.m. WST - The Jerk has announced the hiring of William "Linguini Neck" Petunia on a probationary basis. Petunia, who fought for the Quesh in the Zybo-Sher interplanetary war of 2002 and married an ice cube in July, 2007, will begin at an entry-level position massaging potatoes in the basement of the headquarters building.

It is believed Petunia was not immediately given a full-time position because of his unsightly third eye, and because of his paper clip eating problem.

Petunia's giant, blue shoe, Terry refused comment.

Meet a GCSA team: South Ewing Raiders

Location: 320 South Ewing Blvd.
Team name: Raiders
Stadium: Nosenphronz Stadium
Capacity: 4,000
Owner: Gil Shmulick
GM: Murray Peeptinke
Manager: Ed Potts Jr.
Last season: 24-17, 4th place
Southwest Conference

C: Nester Craymore
1B: Early Shue
2B: Ni-Hop Chui
SS: Bip Lyons
3B: Sid Derwood
RF: Lester Craymore
CF: Natalie O'Shea
LF: Doo Donaldson
UT: Zat McReynolds

SP: She She Shimmitz
SP: Wyatt Zirondack
SP: Willitte Zirondack
RP: Fu Twan
CL: Floody Feet Murdock