January 30, 2012

Monday cancellations

Adult soccer

Possum People vs. Burger Hut, Store #77 - game moved to February 9
Zyn All Stars vs. Team 4 - postponed (hippo riot)

January 27, 2012

HJTV Introduces New Sitcom

HJTV has unveiled its newest sitcom for 2012 to the delight of quadrillions. Staff President Fat Neck Glenn released the following statement concerning the new show:

"We here at HJ feel that this is our best effort to date, combining family values, educational benefits, love, conflict and devastating war full of gruesome killings into one cant-miss TV sitcom. We are anxious to air the first episode, titled 'Adande is dead, again,' which we feel will change the rotation of the Earth and lead our planet into the next millenium."

Show Promo


(Left to Right, Top to Bottom - Adande, Brestin, Vonshai, Todd, and Ernger Jr. the Hippo)

Please join us in welcoming the Sanchules and their new sitcom, "The Sanchules Reign," into our televisions and our hearts this coming Monday at 9 EST.

- Staff Sitcom Man Ronald Pepitone

January 26, 2012

Final Game of Bison Regular Season Has its Ups, Downs

Bernie, Kansas - As the Bison took the field to take on the powerhouse Kansas Jayhawk squadron (0-14 w-l, 14 PA, 1403 PA), the crowd stood for a moment of silence to honor recently deceased Miles Derner.

Derner (DEAD)


Moving on to the game, the Bison had issues coming in. 4th string receiver Pat Zyn was incarcerated and electrocuted, so a need at wide receiver had arisen. Cue Hojo Blotch, 145th all time in yards receiving for Gershner County High (1956-1960).

Blotch



Blotch, a lifetime Giants fan, unfortunately showed up for the game nude. Either way, the man produced on the field. He instantly became Sherman's favorite target, catching 17 balls for 433 yds and 17 TDs. Running Back Skip Ruso also ran for just north of 1100 yds and 12 TDs in this one, which was 56-0 before the Jayhawks touched the ball. After a Jayhawk touched the ball, the refs gave it back to the Bison, who continued the romp by shoving the ball up Jayhawk coach Charlie Weis's coolie, who responded by eating the ball and being carted off on a stretcher. Assistant coach Shealy took over from there, and the Bison continued to roll. Fullback Koo-shua Hu ate 7 opposing players, including one time POTUS Angelo Foomgong, and made on the Jayhawks sidelines. Dead Karol flew off into the sunset, and grew banana legs along the way. Steven "hobo" Christensen lost his head, literally, then picked it up and flew to the nearest McDonalds for a salami sandwich. Sherman evaporated at halftime. All in all, this was a successful showing for the Bison, who ended the regular season strong with a 208-0 win over the rival Kansas squadron.

Next up: Playoffs TBD

- Staff Bison Man Travonjalicious Fwemp

January 23, 2012

Derner Returns



Miles Derner, staff biologist during the Jerk's heyday of the late-1970s, was brought back to life by a miracle eggplant cure.

"The man never hurt an ostrich, except for that ostrich he hurt in the 1993. But we've looked past that to a new future, full of half-men-half-turnips, and pools of Ernies for deep-sea Ernie fishing," said Murray, a pigeon that lives in Derner's hair and is the Derner family spokesman.

Derner's story began in Cleveland, then the story moved to Fayetteville, Arkansas where he was offed by Chuck Frozengard in June, 2010. Frozengard was subsequently incarcerated for the crime, and spent the next 60 days in a maximum-security walk-in freezer until his release in August. Derner was considered dead, until Monday evening when the former back hair model was brought back to life by Dr. Hojo Blotch.

"Please get out of my basement and leave my house," said Blotch.

January 21, 2012

Meet A GCSA Team: Mort's Hardware Lions

Location: South Gafreda
Team name: Lions
Stadium: Bloop Soda Stadium
Capacity: 46,000
Owner: Herbert Landover II
GM: vacant
Manager: Ernie Battaglia
Last season: 16-25, 9th place
Southwest Conference

C: Chubs Eckard
1B: Daff Arlington
2B: Olly Ocean
SS: Felipe Espinosa
3B: Charlie Duckett
RF: Peeps Tomlinson
CF: Min Se-Choi
LF: Roberto Cabrera
UT: Yutz Bokka

SP: Len Barberberry
SP: The New Millenium
RP: Pencilneck Jamison
RP: Bobby Sazzle
CL: Koko Zafron

January 20, 2012

Murton Gallego "Onboard"

Murton Gallego, former Mr. Australia and pumpkin historian, has been brought on to take the coveted role of Staff dinky masseuse.

Gallego



Gallego brings with him days of experience, along with his partner Salvatore. Sal and Murton have lived happily together in Greg Winston's shoe since 1983. Please join us in welcoming old Murty to our crew.

- Staff reporter Donkey Face Nelson

**Update**

Gallego was found dead waiting on the doorstep to HQ this morning. He is no longer with us.

Gallego (Dead)

January 19, 2012

Bison Throttle Mud People, Move To 8-1

"Like macaroni noodles through an alarm clock, so are the times of burnt toast and highway gravel eating contests."

"The above quote, attributed to facist dictator Herman Crubb, was taped to the wall of the visiting locker room at Darf Ferera Stadium in an effort to inspire the Hey Jerk Bison. Not only did the quote inspire the Bison football team, but it also inspired Harry Vanderells to swim to England in an attempt to reunite an ostrich with another ostrich."

- Quote taken from the beginning of this story


Standing in the way of the Bison and their attempt to clinch the Piso Division title and a bye in the first round of the Abner Playoffs & Elementary School Band Recital Competition, were the Mud People, coached by Ralph Friedgen. The Mud People had lost each of their first eight games by an average margin of 36 points, but Friedgen wasn't going to let his squad Shealy on this day.

"We didn't come here to Shealy," Freidgen said to his mailbox before the game.

"Instead, they Shealy'd," said Linda Pwayne's mother-in-law, Beatrice.

On the first possession of the game, the Bison marched down the field, getting a 50-yard pass from quarterback Kurt Sherman, who was dressed in only a poncho and his giraffe mask, to Skip Ruso. After the play, Ruso boarded his spaceship to the clouds and was never heard from again. John Hu, vilified all week in several publications, including Vilification Today and the Nunce Valley Times, for is charity organization-Peanut Shells For Troops-and their anti-deodorant marches through downtown Kleppitch, scored from three yards to put the Bison up 7-0.

The visitors made it 14-0 when Sherman executed the statue of Rory Corcoran play, handing off to Dead Karol for a touchdown. The Mud People tried to put together a drive late in the second quarter, but were stuck in mud.

"They made their mud, now they have to sit in it," said Otis Lazlo.

At halftime, Friedgen ate a water fountain and declared war on his pants. Police apprehended the coach and carted him off, while Sherman and caretaker Doris Leonard followed in Sherman's wheelbarrow.

With only four active players left-newly signed receiver Pat Zyn, Irving Piso, The Anecdote and ham sandwich national champion Steven Christensen-the Bison stuck to the ground game and score twice more in the third before coach Al Davis pulled the team off the field.

"_________", said Al Davis, who died late last year.


Final: Bison 28, Mud People 0

Death Schedule **Updated**

Oscar Q'ShonTavious Rainbow
1-1-1705 - 4-2-2012

Updated death schedule released

January
24 - Horace Okkaplokka
26 - Musical trio The Corn Husks

February
2 - Nancy Crugg & warthog
11 - Ebeneezer Salazar
19 - Edward Xomcheese

March
6 - Knuckles Brophy
27 - Cooper Queh
29 - Lance Okkaplokka


- Staff correspondent Bertrum Larsen

January 18, 2012

Life reevaluation list revealed

In reevaluating a life, there are steps one should take. The following is a detailed list, courtesy of the Hey Jerk Library of Files & Ham Sandwich photographs.


1. Look in the mirror
2. Admit you need to reevaluate your life
3. Accept that Jehiah was the son of Corville and died for your sins
4. Draw a picture of a giraffe on your stomach
5. Rename yourself Vernon Wallace
6. Move to the eastern part of Arkansas
7. Marry a potato
8. Reevaluate Merle Vanderells' life
9. Call Merle Vanderells on the phone, tell him you reevaluated his life for him and to expect a congratulatory canary in the mail within five days
10. Sell socks door-to-door
11. Divorce potato

ELIMINATE THE CENTRAL TIME ZONE!

Fans,

Please pledge your support to oscarrainbow@gmail.com for our efforts here at the Jerk to eliminate the Central Time Zone altogether. We fine it unnecessary and quite frankly, evil. Note the conversation editor Capolo had with a co-worker yesterday:

Wendell Cinnamon: CST is better. EST people don't show up to work til 9. The day is half over by then

Capolo: No. it has no identity. Its just there, in the middle of the country, screaming "Who am I?"

Wendell Cinnamon: (Starting to lose mind) EST people think only EST should exist. that is the arrogance that i can't stand

Capolo: I think any normal person would agree with my standpoint

Wendell Cinnamon: (Foaming at the mouth) People you define as normal are morons to CST people

Capolo: I'll start a coalition: "Eliminate the Central Time Zone." I'll have a large following

Wendell Cinnamon: You and your army of one: your mommy

Capolo: My mother was in the army in the 40's and Id rather not discuss it, but thank you for bringing up a sore subject

Wendell Cinnamon: So your mom is llike 85? Creepy

Capolo: That isn't your business

As you can see, the CST and its inhabitants clearly need to be eliminated. Please pledge us your support in 2012 so that we can attack this challenge "head on" (literally, head first.)

Rare photo found

A rare photo of former Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis was discovered by Hey Jerk staff member Lance Brickisher.



The photo was originally titled "Al's Day At The Potato Farm", but the title was eliminated when the Irish occupied Arkansas in the late-1990s and potato persecution was at its zenith.

January 17, 2012

Wednesday football betting lines

[Games to be played January 18, 2012]


University of Kansas -3 @ Klauzenrodner University
Mud People -6 vs. Hey Jerk Bison
Paul's Hardware -10 vs. Jacksonville
The Al Davis Recreation Society -2 @ Okkaplokka
Kennington Prison -4 vs. Murrdle Valley Prison



- Source: Kerwin Football

Okkaplokka era begins

Horace Okkaplokka, who was brought by Okkaplokka Boat™ Tuesday morning, has been hired as back door look out.



Claim to fame: ate a photograph of a giraffe (May, 1992)
Secret shame: fathered an illegitimate artichoke
Aliases: Victoria Merced; Elijah Borneo; DJ Mouthwash
Scheduled to be killed: January 24, 2012.

January 13, 2012

Meet a GCSA Team: Herzog Vipors



Location: Herzog City
Team name: Vipors
Stadium: Marc Russo Stadium
Capacity: 34,000
Owner: Walter Ku
GM: Wick Waymont
Manager: Gene Bechtold
Last season: 30-11, 2nd place
Southwest Conference

C: Dirk Leaf
1B: Meepos Tryzabell
2B: Biff Cucumber
SS: Wimpy
3B: Walter Ku
RF: Whiskers Callahan
CF: Chickadee Moses
LF: J.R. Crugg

SP: Chozblin O'Shoogie
SP: Pudding Drop Murphy
RP: Niles Tuckaho
RP: Uri Obokorov
CL: Xavier Knuckles

January 12, 2012

Thursday Afternoon Death Report

We are delighted to inform our readers that longtime nostril enthusiast and professional poo masseuse Parachute Martin has been found dead on the roof of Rainbow Tower at HQ.

Martin (Dead)


Martin will not be remembered, nor will there be a funeral. Staff Icicle Gary Gwobtek threw Martin's remains off the roof earlier today.

- Travonjalicious Fwemp

Thursday cancellations

Mashed potato fights

Christensen vs. Zyn: postponed, rescheduled for February 7
Okkaplokka vs. Cameron: moved to 4:30 p.m.

Softball

Earth Championship, Team 4 vs. University of Maryland: doubleheader will be played January 17 starting at 6:00 p.m.

Other

Chewing on the toes of Glenn Percy - February 2 at 4:30 p.m.
Pepper Shakers On Ice: matinees at 2:00 p.m. cancelled

January 11, 2012

Bison Bye-Week Report

Bison Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp was on the "scene" this morning, with updates on several Bison players during the teams much needed off week.

Ruso: Asleep since Sunday. Team officials fear possible DIB (Doody in Bed) and have sent a security regimen and public relations crew to Ruso's abode in case of disaster.

Sherman: Missing. Has not been seen since running off the field, pantsless and screaming, in third quarter or last weeks game. Team officials say reports of Sherman sightings in Kuala Lumpur "have no grounds."

Christensen: Attempting to break record for ham sandwiches eaten during one week period - has until 5 Eastern to do so. Currently at 567.5. Judge Harkenberry removed two sandwiches from current count due to "failure to comply with mustard regulations." Needs to pass 701 in order to set record.

Hu: Being held at team facility due to concerns over "knee explosions" due to weight issues. Has been fed intravenously over course of week and has lost over 1 pound.

Zyn: Found deceased shortly after game concluded in upper deck section 301 lavatory. Note left at scene stated "See you guys in two weeks. Mud People Stink!"

T.O.D. - Left team on own accord due to "personal issues" with quarterback Kurt Sherman. "We just weren't seeing eye to eye on the future of eggplant on this planet."


- Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp

Rare drawing found



A rare drawing of Horace Bechtold wearing a Harold Plumm tombstone shirt was found early Wednesday morning. According to staff historian Murton Ruso, the drawing was made Monday after Plumm was eaten by a giraffe.

The bidding begins at 11 gum wrappers.


email bobbyfeathers@gmail.com to place your bid

January 9, 2012

Hey Jerk staff put on an intensive Harold program

With rumors swirling towards the end of 2011 and in the early stages of the new year, the Hey Jerk staff will, in fact, be put on a Harold program, starting with the late-Monday hiring of fitness instructor/toast whisperer Harold Olajuwon III.



The program will consist of a series of Harold-finding missions, some long-overdue Harold Sensitivity Training and culminate with a week-long retreat through Harold National Park, site of the famous Ice Cube War of 1922 that claimed the lives of hundreds of Pauls and one Brent.

Olajuwon, grandson of 300-meter dash tungsten medalist Harold Olajuwon, will begin his tenure at the Jerk Friday morning at 6:00 a.m. by reading a page from his autobiography, "If I've Been Harold, Then I Apologize."

Monday Morning News - with Ronald Bergomac

Hi, I'm Ronald Bergomac, international villain and renowned alien. You may know me from my reality show, "The Bergomac's Take Australia (And Kill Everyone There)," or by my autobiography "Hi, I'm Ronald Bergomac and I Hope After You Read This Book You Perish." If, for some reason, you still do not recognize me, I will provide the photo below.

Ron (October, 2010)



Now that we are friends, I'd like to share my thoughts on the recent Klossinger Arrival. I shared a yacht with Walter Klossinger on Egbo-9 sometime over 50 earth years ago. He was a decent Klossinger, but had one serious defect: hippos. Klossinger took his hippos (Ollie and Poonquah) with him wherever he traveled. Subsequently, our yacht was doomed from the start, as as soon as old Ollie and Pooonquah stepped foot on it we began our descent to the ocean floor. After Walt perished, I was inspired to take my "talents" to Earth, where I could surely make a difference with you're primitive race. I believe I have done that in my 30 some odd years on your planet - I created the mule and ran for governor of Asia. That said, the arrival of a new Klossinger is troubling and ushers in a new era here on Earth - the Bergomac/Klossinger wars are undoubtedly about to commence.

If you wish, as a human, to remain alive, then please stay out of our way. The Bergomac clan will do what needs to be done to protect ourselves from the reign of Klossinger, who no doubt wishes to claim our power as his own. I will provide periodic updates on the war from the Bergomac point of view.

Please die.

- Ron

January 6, 2012

Klossinger Arrives

Herman Klossinger has arrived. He has been in transit since 1307 from his home planet of Bwomp77 in the Schmegma galaxy.

Herman Klossinger


Klossinger, who was once President of his planet, has been reduced to a mere pickle-boy, responsible for delivering pickles to rival planets.

The Klossingers hope to invade Earth with "numbers," and bring their rival Bergomac family to a dreadful end. The Bergomacs, lead by Three-foot, inhabited earth during the depression in the 30's. The have since been responsible for World War II, and the invention of the owl.

Three-foot Bergomac released the following statement upon hearing of Klossingers arrival, and then flew off in his private BergomacCopter:

"Oooofogl."


- Staff Warren Warren Lump Jr.

Cast List for New Seppenitch Film Anounced

The cast for the upcoming Lyle Seppenitch film I Smelled Vanessa has been announced.


Sanderson Montaz as avocado millionaire Colt Bersh Jr.
Janet Wu as Vanessa Wodderson
Oscar Rainbow Jr. as the voice of the yodeling pancake
Gino Genovese as Capolo Henderson
Horace as himself
Lanette Massimino as Beth/Outlaw Beth
Zu-Kwan as DJ Celery
Franklin Bly as Coach Winfield
Olin Gerald as the burnt piece of toast that wouldn't give up despite overwhelming odds, including being burnt by a toaster and shunned by the society that introduced him to his wife, Butter, in 2004
Gheorge Muresan as Manute Bol


Film in theaters May, 2012!

January 5, 2012

Colts Make Poopies, Bison Win

January 4, 2012

Gary, Indiana - The Indianapolis Colts, coming off perhaps the best season in franchise history, called in "Gary" Wednesday evening. Bison players were shocked and appalled that the Colts refused to take the challenge seriously.

Kicker Lousso commented "You'd think after the great season they just finished, they'd want to lay it all on the line against a quality opponent like the Boise Bison."

Quarterback/Chinese Kurt Sherman quipped "Where's the toilet in this place? I need to drop the kids off at the pool and then sing the Canadian anthem."

Steven Christensen farted.

Halfback Skip Ruso failed to show for the event, citing "irreconcilable tuna fish sandwiches" with wideout Dead Karol.

Steven Christensen made in a Citgo near his home, the authorities were called, and is no longer with us.

P. Zyn, recently deceased and traded team cancer, made the trip despite no longer being on the squadron. He quickly complained about lack of commitment from his teammates and ran into the abyss.

A representative for the Colts, Dan Orlovsky, refused calls but did tweet the following: "The Bisons are losers and we refuse to play them. Its disrespectful to us, to our families, and to the people of Montana."

As a result of this forfeit win, the Bison temporarily moved to 5-2. However, the investigation into the Henderson Middle embarrassment has been released, and Henderson nose guard Harvey Fempitch was found to be an illegal participant (Walrus), which results in an automatic disqualification for the Flying Zebras. Statue 143.2a of the United Football Horace Assocation (UFHA) clearly states that illegal Walry is prohibited and will result in automatic disqualification.

When contacted, Fempitch simply stated "Gehhhh."

The Bison are now a surprising 6-1 heading into the showdown with the Mud People of Edgartown, Mercury two weeks from now.

- Staff Bison Man Rory Smunk

January 4, 2012

Bison Pick New Mascot



The Hey Jerk Bison football team mascot contest has ended as the organization selected "Billy Bison".

Congratulations to 83-year old Herm Shmelder, who came up with the design for Billy, then drowned in a pool of barbecue sauce "as he would've wished," (Nunce Valley Times obituary-January 2, 2012).

Billy will debut Wednesday when the Bison host Indianapolis.

January 3, 2012

Martin "Finally" Hired

Staff Leader Fat Neck Glenn, recently in hiding due to a whaleshark scare in his native Jupiter, has resurfaced to "Take this blog into the next millenium."

Glenn, reciting from his tower perch high above HJ headquarters, shocked onlookers with his appearance. He had not been seen since late fiscal quarter two of 2011, and was believed to be dead. He stood, in all his glory, and spoke.

"We need a new face for this blog. We need a new man in charge of raincoats and raincoat related activities. In order for us to continue our dominance of the universe, we need to adapt. We need to change. To that end, I have personally hired Barney Martin as Staff Assistant to the Glenn. Please rise and hail Dr. Martin as he recites his 'Poem of Many Julios.' "

Martin



"Julio here, Julio there,
Julio wore Teddy's underwear.
He went for a stroll,
to a very dark place.
And ended up making all over Fred's face.
Julio ran, into the woods,
Fred started screaming as loud as he could.
'Why would you do this, I gave you my cow,
I guess none of that matters much now.
I shall have my revenge, Julio,
I shall de-fecalate,
And when I do find you,
You'll suffer a dark fate.
Julio Algonquin, Julio McGwire,
You'll meet your demise in a Fred-induced walnut fire.'"

With that, Martin left the room and Glenn followed.

Stay tuned.

- Staff Mort Seinfeld Rory Smunk

January 1, 2012

Meet A GCSA Team: Ervin Fishbine's Team



Location: Fishbine Valley
Team name: The Fishbines
Stadium: Fishbine Stadium
Capacity: 1,800
Owner: Oort Kellow
GM: Vershon MaKinley
Manager: Stefan Cershon
Last season: 14-27, 13th place
Southwest Conference

C: Plumpy Hixson
1B: Dylan Sawgrass
2B: Zits Paddock
SS: Bert Fronz
3B: Cr'Shonsin Addelby
RF: Marylou Kepshire
CF: Amanda Pinecone
LF: Pimples Petry
UT: Ooogie Bolshane

SP: Shmulick
SP: Kanicfee Goldstein
SP: Murray Blydsdale
RP: Chuckles McCan
CL: Hotfeet York

"Bison Embarrass Themselves"

That was the headline from the now-defunct Tribune Daily and their feature story on the Hey Jerk Bison's 28-0 loss to Ruttlestown B at F.N. Glenn Stadium & Used Vegetable Shack.

The Bison were coming off a December 21 shutout of Provo High School, but literally came out flat in week seven.

"A few of our players were flattened by the #8 bus before practice Monday," said Bison interim coach Raheem Morris. "I mean, they were taunting the bus, telling it to 'come on, run me over bus. I bet you can't even run me over,' according to some witnesses. And I heard there was a lot of soy sauce involved. Either way, it's tough to play a football game with six players. Really five, because the one-year old, Mitch, I think her name is, can barely stand."

Ruttlestown B, with future Hall of Ernie quarterback Bert Larson, marched down the field on the game's opening drive, and went up 6-0 when Larson found an overripe tomato in the back of the end zone for a 12-yard touchdown.

With several players flat and unable to participate, such as running back Skip Ruso, quarterback Kurt Sherman and tight end Trevon'Tashius McKlinton, the Bison went to seldom-used Bernie Buckles to lead the offense. Unfortunately, Buckles had died in the mid-1980s and the Bison had to punt. Ruttlestown took advantage, using its famous "eggplant play" as wide receiver Quinathony McRae took an end-around and ran 99 yards for a touchdown with the ball in his dungarees to make it 14-0.

Halftime speech from Bison interim coach Bill Cartwright (while brushing his teeth):

"This is where they separate the Ronalds from the Jeromes!"

And that's exactly what the Bison did. Ronald Herndon was placed in a giant suitcase and mailed to Bangor, Maine, while Jerome Wu was named starting quarterback for the second half.

On the opening kickoff, Wu overdosed on kick off tee and passed away.

Funeral services were scheduled for February 7 to coincide with Peanut Day and Wu's religious belief in talking peanut shells.

Late in the third quarter, Ruttlestown took a commanding, 28-0 lead when Larson hooked up with recently-signed wide receiver Pat Zyn (4 years, $7 million toe nails) for an 83-year touchdown. Zyn, who was only wearing the left leg of his pants, was attacked by several Bison players, including Johnathan "Lundquist" Hu, and transported to Capolo Medical Institute where he was pronounced "Stan".

Hey Jerk's final offensive drive ended in mashed potatoes as Hu fell down in mashed potatoes, though it did end up being an early start to the team's annual Mashed Potato Pool Family Fun Night.


Final: Ruttlestown 28, Bison 0