Date: November 30, 2011
Locale: Quebec, Ontario
Stadium: N/A - Played in local dump
Conditions: Raining Gary's
Attendance: 4
Recap
Quarter 1: Kurt Sherman, embattled QB and old-man enthusiast, returns fully clothed in anticipation of this matchup of unbeatens. After the Bison elect to receive, Sherman receives the ball 7 yds deep and begins sprinting down the far sideline. 12 seconds later, Sherman was at the Poddy Valley 3 yd line, where Poddy Valley Garbanzo Bean Victor Mooshay horse collars Sherman and drags him out of bounds, kicking him along the way. Sherman gets up, bloodied and having messed his underwear, and sprints back out to the huddle. 14 plays later, Hu eats defensive lineman Hugo Feathers of the Garbanzo Beans and stumbles into the endzone. 7-0 Bison as drive takes entire quarter. Sherman taken to locker room by trainers to address underwear situation.
Quarter 2: Beans go 7 and out on first drive, and Bison take over at the Beans 14 after a blocked punt by Patrick Zyn, who showed up before the game even though he is no longer a member of the team. On the following play, Sherman throws into the endzone to Zyn, who does the Zyn-o-rama shuffle in celebration. 9 seconds later officials notify Zyn that he is in the incorrect endzone and the score is tied up, 7-7. Zyn sprints around the field 4 times and then collapses. Medical reports not available at this time.
Halftime Recap
Steven Christensen lights himself on fire and runs through the halls of Bison Arena screaming about civil rights for abused rhinoceros.
Quarter 3: Poddy Valley receives and flanker/H-back K'Quell Pooha takes the kickoff back 97 yds for a score. A missed extra point leaves the deficit at 6 for the Bison, 13-7. Poddy Valley attempts the onside kick, which fails when Skip Ruso falls on it at the 50. On the very next play, Sherman runs the pitch to Ruso who rumbles 50 yds down the sideline and into the endzone. Ruso doesn't stop running and has not yet been located. 14-13, Bison.
Quarter 4: After stopping Poddy Valley on downs, the Bison receive the ball via fair catch at their own 2 yd line. Coach Hu calls for the 47-Potty Draw on 3, and Sherman hands the ball to Hu. Lineman Kovacik eats 4 lineman on the other team (deaths ensued) and Hu rumbles 97 yds for a score and a steak. Sherman begins his "Shermy-two-three" jig and is penalized 15 yds on the kickoff. 21-13, Bison. Bison attempt onside kick and succeed. After taking three knees, the game is over and another victory is in the books for the Bison. Sherman straps on his jetpack and takes off, stating he had a meeting to attend on Mars.
Notable Stats
Sherman: 17-93, 199 yds, TD, 27 INT
Ruso: 17 Carries, 144 yds, 14 lost fumbles, TD
Next Game: v. 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry
November 30, 2011
November 28, 2011
Bison Postgame Notes: Week 2
After an impressive 26-7 victory over Winder-Barrow HS, the Bison took to the locker room in glee. Bison staffers had already covered the walls with plastic and had the champagne bottles ready, and the Bison players did not disappoint. Sherman, after his refusal to play, stood in the middle of the room holding a bottle of Dom (Sherman was nude), and began his weekly postgame speech.
"We won one for Zyn. Plain and simple. Lets celebrate like drunken octopi!"
Immediately after, Sherman vanished into thin air and has not been located since. With that, however, things began to get ugly. Coach/RB Hu attempted to eat lineman Steven Christensen, but was stopped when Skip Russo got in the middle with a meatloaf and subsided Hu's hunger. Recently traded Pat Zyn began smoking some type of dark rock, and instantly proclaimed that he was changing his name to Vance Bentley, effective immediately. Zyn then fell into Jon Scottsten's locker, removed his underwear, and sang the national anthem. Several team members, led by Dead Karol, then relieved themselves on Bentley. Staffers remained after hours to clean up the "situation."
Security was finally brought in around 3:30 AM GST to remove the remaining team members, but not before lineman Brad Kavack was able to blow wind and declare the locker room a "war zone" that needed to be defended by the United States government and armed forces.
- Staff Bison man Warren W. Lump
"We won one for Zyn. Plain and simple. Lets celebrate like drunken octopi!"
Immediately after, Sherman vanished into thin air and has not been located since. With that, however, things began to get ugly. Coach/RB Hu attempted to eat lineman Steven Christensen, but was stopped when Skip Russo got in the middle with a meatloaf and subsided Hu's hunger. Recently traded Pat Zyn began smoking some type of dark rock, and instantly proclaimed that he was changing his name to Vance Bentley, effective immediately. Zyn then fell into Jon Scottsten's locker, removed his underwear, and sang the national anthem. Several team members, led by Dead Karol, then relieved themselves on Bentley. Staffers remained after hours to clean up the "situation."
Security was finally brought in around 3:30 AM GST to remove the remaining team members, but not before lineman Brad Kavack was able to blow wind and declare the locker room a "war zone" that needed to be defended by the United States government and armed forces.
- Staff Bison man Warren W. Lump
November 24, 2011
Bison Move to 2-0
Coming off an emotional, flatulent victory over the Cleveland Browns practice squad, the Hey Jerk Bison felt good about their chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School.
"We feel good about our chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School," Bison coach/running back John Hu said after a practice session/walnut-eating contest.
Despite the disappearance of wide receiver Pat Zyn and quarterback/rhino salesman Kurt Sherman's refusal to play, the Bison took the field with nine players and scored on a 92-yard touchdown pass from new quarterback Michaela Russo to recently-signed tight end Mark Bavaro. Winder-Barrow, playing in pastrami helmets to promote world peace, answered with an 18-play drive and tie the game at 7-7 on a four-yard touchdown run by Herman Binkey.
Neither team scored until Hu took a pitch on a sweep and executed his world-famous "hippo run" and scored from 25 yards out, much to the delight of a guy named Steve. The Bison led 14-7 at halftime, leading to this speech from tailback Skipmond Ruso, who no one asked to speak:
"They said the Russians couldn't win in '73! They said the Bay City Bluejays couldn't come back and win the bronze medal in the 40s! Someone told Vance Wesler he'd never yodel again! Remember Miles Quinn?! Now go out there and win one for what's-his-name or this Christmas everyone gets a lump of cold medicine in their stocking!"
After Ruso was taken in the back for questioning, the Bison came out strong in the third quarter, going up 17-7 when Louise Russo kicked a 74-yard field goal with Hu gas in her face.
"Holy asparagus," said Bison fan Merv Kellog, 106.
Winder-Barrow had a nine-and-out on the ensuing possession, then after a Bison punt of seven yards by Dead Karol, Winder running back Zhang Shui-Wei ran in the wrong direction and out of the back of his own end zone, giving the Bison a safety and a 19-7 lead. Shui-Wei then vanished.
In the fourth, Bison receivers Stinky Harnish and Steven Christensen teamed up on a wheelbarrow run for 53 yards, which put Hey Jerk up 26-7 and sent most of the traveling Winder fans towards the exits.
"I sold my mud store for this?," said Winder fan James Pershack, who sold his mud store for this.
As the final seconds ticked down, Zyn surprised everyone on the Bison sideline by arriving in his underwear, running out to midfield and miming shooting two free throws. Zyn then hopped on his koala and disappeared into the night.
Bison stay unbeaten at 2-0 with a 26-7 victory on Phonebook Night at Hey Jerk Stadium.
"We feel good about our chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School," Bison coach/running back John Hu said after a practice session/walnut-eating contest.
Despite the disappearance of wide receiver Pat Zyn and quarterback/rhino salesman Kurt Sherman's refusal to play, the Bison took the field with nine players and scored on a 92-yard touchdown pass from new quarterback Michaela Russo to recently-signed tight end Mark Bavaro. Winder-Barrow, playing in pastrami helmets to promote world peace, answered with an 18-play drive and tie the game at 7-7 on a four-yard touchdown run by Herman Binkey.
Neither team scored until Hu took a pitch on a sweep and executed his world-famous "hippo run" and scored from 25 yards out, much to the delight of a guy named Steve. The Bison led 14-7 at halftime, leading to this speech from tailback Skipmond Ruso, who no one asked to speak:
"They said the Russians couldn't win in '73! They said the Bay City Bluejays couldn't come back and win the bronze medal in the 40s! Someone told Vance Wesler he'd never yodel again! Remember Miles Quinn?! Now go out there and win one for what's-his-name or this Christmas everyone gets a lump of cold medicine in their stocking!"
After Ruso was taken in the back for questioning, the Bison came out strong in the third quarter, going up 17-7 when Louise Russo kicked a 74-yard field goal with Hu gas in her face.
"Holy asparagus," said Bison fan Merv Kellog, 106.
Winder-Barrow had a nine-and-out on the ensuing possession, then after a Bison punt of seven yards by Dead Karol, Winder running back Zhang Shui-Wei ran in the wrong direction and out of the back of his own end zone, giving the Bison a safety and a 19-7 lead. Shui-Wei then vanished.
In the fourth, Bison receivers Stinky Harnish and Steven Christensen teamed up on a wheelbarrow run for 53 yards, which put Hey Jerk up 26-7 and sent most of the traveling Winder fans towards the exits.
"I sold my mud store for this?," said Winder fan James Pershack, who sold his mud store for this.
As the final seconds ticked down, Zyn surprised everyone on the Bison sideline by arriving in his underwear, running out to midfield and miming shooting two free throws. Zyn then hopped on his koala and disappeared into the night.
Bison stay unbeaten at 2-0 with a 26-7 victory on Phonebook Night at Hey Jerk Stadium.
November 21, 2011
Glubfish Trials Begins
Gary Glubfish v The City of Tuscaloosa
The defendant, Gary Lucan Glubfish, is accused of bread loaf murder and faces a maximum broom closet sentence of 11 days.
Glubfish, dressed in his whale costume, pleads "not tall enough".
* District attorney: Harvey Minkus
* Defense attorney: Eyebrows the Clown
Opening arguments
Defense: [Squeezes nose three times, does a somersault and makes a sad face]
DA: "He did it! Come on!"
(Glubfish. Photo taken September, 1983)
The defendant, Gary Lucan Glubfish, is accused of bread loaf murder and faces a maximum broom closet sentence of 11 days.
Glubfish, dressed in his whale costume, pleads "not tall enough".
* District attorney: Harvey Minkus
* Defense attorney: Eyebrows the Clown
Opening arguments
Defense: [Squeezes nose three times, does a somersault and makes a sad face]
DA: "He did it! Come on!"
(Glubfish. Photo taken September, 1983)
BREAKING: Editor Robert Feathers Jr. Missing
Robert Feathers, longtime editor and cheese enthusiast, has gone missing. Once believed to be the next great leader of this corporation, Feathers began building a long list of enemies here at The Jerk. Capped off by his admission of steroids use in the late 90's, Feathers has become one of, if not the, most hated members of this company. It all came to a head 4 days ago when Feathers decided to steal Marty Femple's onion and run into oncoming traffic.
Feathers has not been seen since. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please call the Save Marty Femple's Onion hotline at 1-800-ONIONSAVIOR.
- Staff Feathers Investigator Warren Lump
Feathers has not been seen since. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please call the Save Marty Femple's Onion hotline at 1-800-ONIONSAVIOR.
- Staff Feathers Investigator Warren Lump
November 17, 2011
Bison Postgame Notes
News and notes following the Hey Jerk Bison's opening night victory.
Hu Named Player of the Week
Bison fullback/coach John Hu was named the Tap Water Player of the Week after his performance in the come-from-behind win over the Browns. Hu, who averaged more than six yards per carry and scored seven touchdowns, dedicated the honor to his collection of napkins from various fast food restaurants, which now numbers in the low-100s.
"I told you several times I did not want to be interviewed," said Hu.
Quarterback Competition Opens Up
With Kurt Sherman's miserable performance and near-goldfish overdose following the Bison win, a quarterback competition has opened up in camp. According to Hu, who was named the team's coach during an unfortunate incident at halftime, Sherman will share practice reps with Michaela Ruso, a one-year old with gas who over the summer ran a 9.6 40-yard dash at the Handy Manny Combines.
Zyn Reportedly Traded to Indianapolis
Pat Zyn, who during the pre game contributed steak sandwich wind and a four-yard run on a draw in his living room, has reportedly been traded to the Indianapolis Colts. According to that guy over there, the Bison received half of a bag of grapes and a deflated football for Zyn, the 17th overall pick in the 1974 draft.
Incident of Violence Reported
Skipmond Ruso, who scored the Bison's first touchdown Wednesday on an 80-yard run that was called "the run heard 'round the area where the run took place", followed an unidentified Browns practice player into the parking lot and the two had a verbal disagreement that quickly turned to physical violence. According to an eye witness, Herman Wultz, Ruso began digging at the Browns player's face with a plastic spoon and shouting about engine coolant. Ruso was questioned by local police, but escaped into a nearby forest. His whereabouts are unknown, as is his available for the Bisons' practice Friday afternoon.
Winder-Barrow Ready For Week 2 Match Up
The Winder-Barrow High School (GA) Bulldoggs said they're ready for the Bison and have targeted Russo and flanker Will Harnish as their main targets of physical violence during next Wednesday's key division 7-B match up at Jerk Stadium. Winder-Barrow, which lost 83-6 to the St. Louis Rams' 1983 hall of fame class in a game played in a Walgreens parking lot, will be without head coach Ernie Porter, who has taken a leave of absence to raise a family of hamsters "the right way" (Capolo Times - November 15, 2011).
Hu Named Player of the Week
Bison fullback/coach John Hu was named the Tap Water Player of the Week after his performance in the come-from-behind win over the Browns. Hu, who averaged more than six yards per carry and scored seven touchdowns, dedicated the honor to his collection of napkins from various fast food restaurants, which now numbers in the low-100s.
"I told you several times I did not want to be interviewed," said Hu.
Quarterback Competition Opens Up
With Kurt Sherman's miserable performance and near-goldfish overdose following the Bison win, a quarterback competition has opened up in camp. According to Hu, who was named the team's coach during an unfortunate incident at halftime, Sherman will share practice reps with Michaela Ruso, a one-year old with gas who over the summer ran a 9.6 40-yard dash at the Handy Manny Combines.
Zyn Reportedly Traded to Indianapolis
Pat Zyn, who during the pre game contributed steak sandwich wind and a four-yard run on a draw in his living room, has reportedly been traded to the Indianapolis Colts. According to that guy over there, the Bison received half of a bag of grapes and a deflated football for Zyn, the 17th overall pick in the 1974 draft.
Incident of Violence Reported
Skipmond Ruso, who scored the Bison's first touchdown Wednesday on an 80-yard run that was called "the run heard 'round the area where the run took place", followed an unidentified Browns practice player into the parking lot and the two had a verbal disagreement that quickly turned to physical violence. According to an eye witness, Herman Wultz, Ruso began digging at the Browns player's face with a plastic spoon and shouting about engine coolant. Ruso was questioned by local police, but escaped into a nearby forest. His whereabouts are unknown, as is his available for the Bisons' practice Friday afternoon.
Winder-Barrow Ready For Week 2 Match Up
The Winder-Barrow High School (GA) Bulldoggs said they're ready for the Bison and have targeted Russo and flanker Will Harnish as their main targets of physical violence during next Wednesday's key division 7-B match up at Jerk Stadium. Winder-Barrow, which lost 83-6 to the St. Louis Rams' 1983 hall of fame class in a game played in a Walgreens parking lot, will be without head coach Ernie Porter, who has taken a leave of absence to raise a family of hamsters "the right way" (Capolo Times - November 15, 2011).
Drawing Found at Scene of Capolo's Arrest
Startling developments in the Capolo arrest story that gripped ours and many nations early Thursday. A strange drawing of a ferret with a horseshoe hat and a tri-colored fox tail was found at the scene of where Capolo was detained for public intoxication (mayonnaise) and transferred to O'Shoogie insane Asylum for Darryls & Walters at 6:01 p.m. GST.
Police, an iguana named Frederick and a bucket of sawdust, say the drawing will be up for auction this weekend annual luncheon for the Save the Lundquists Foundation.
Police, an iguana named Frederick and a bucket of sawdust, say the drawing will be up for auction this weekend annual luncheon for the Save the Lundquists Foundation.
Game 1 Recap: Bison at Cleveland Browns Practice Squad
Date: November 16, 2011
Locale: Cleveland, Ohio
Stadium: N/A - Played in Joe Guagliardo's parents back yard
Conditions: Snow
Attendance: 0
Recap
Quarter 1: Browns win the toin coss (HEADS) and elect to receive. HJ placekicker Lou Ruso kicks the ball 4 yds, where Browns player Harvey Henkle picks up the ball and runs into the HJ endzone in 4 seconds for a quick 6-0 lead. Not surprisingly, Henkle was untouched during the play. On the Jerk's first possession of the season, HJ quarterback Kurt Sherman called for the blue rhino, handing the ball off to John Hu for a quick 1/2 yd gain. Things were looking up for the Bison, and on the next play Sherman got greedy, calling the yellow ostrich on three (fake pitch to Hu deep out route by Zyn) which turned out to be a disaster. Pat Zyn never got off the line, as he was nude, and Sherman threw a 3 yd out route that was picked and run back for the TD. Suffice it to say, by the end of the quarter the Browns practice squad was up 49-0, and the Bison had run 5 plays for -56 yds.
Quarter 2: The Browns, up 49-0, take their foot off the gas a bit, deciding to rest up and play only 3 on each side of the ball. On their first play from scrimmage in the second quarter, the Browns center snapped the ball to QB Aron O'Malley, who ran straight through 11 Jerk defenders for a 99 yd score. Down 56-0, Hey Jerk took the ball at the 20 with a new goal in mind. "Lets get a yard" said tailback Skip Russo - and they did that and much more. Against a defensive line of 1 and secondary of 2, Russo calls the sneaky-maria, a trick play. Sherman pitches to Hu, who in turn runs the flea flicker back to Sherman - who hits Russo with a 4 yd curl. With no one within 20 yds of him, and Zyn passed out nude at the Browns 40, Ruso takes it 80 yds for the score. Lou Ruso adds the extra point and the scoring in the first half is done - Bison head to the locker room down 56-7.
Halftime Recap
Zyn passes out in stall 3, forcing Coach Hu to activate Dead Karol. Sherman runs into the opposing locker room nude, screaming about the state of international nuclear affairs.
Quarter 3: HJ start off at the 20. Browns decide to rest 3rd defender, start off with one man line and one man secondary. First play from scrimmage, Sherman end-around to Christensen, who lined up wide. Christensen hit for 12 yd loss and fumbles the ball, recovered by the Browns. Fortunately, the Browns are running a two man offense. On their first play, LB Dead Karol chases QB O'Malley back 92 yards into his own end zone and records the safety. HJ right back in the game, 56-9.
Quarter 4: Browns decide to leave. Sherman, while throwing 4 picks in the quarter, remains in the game at QB and hands the ball off 43 times to Hu, who scores 7 TD's uncontested. The Browns squad left at 14:55 of the quarter, so was not present to witness their demise. HJ lineman Steven Christensen carries Hu off the field, and they start writing a novel post game entitled "Bison v. Browns Practice Squad: The Game That Changed The Millenium." Bison win, 58-56.
Box Score
Notable Stats
Sherman: 1-17, 80 yds, TD, 7 INT
Hu: 57 carries, 347 yds, 7 TD
Next Game: V. Winder Barrow HS (GA)
Locale: Cleveland, Ohio
Stadium: N/A - Played in Joe Guagliardo's parents back yard
Conditions: Snow
Attendance: 0
Recap
Quarter 1: Browns win the toin coss (HEADS) and elect to receive. HJ placekicker Lou Ruso kicks the ball 4 yds, where Browns player Harvey Henkle picks up the ball and runs into the HJ endzone in 4 seconds for a quick 6-0 lead. Not surprisingly, Henkle was untouched during the play. On the Jerk's first possession of the season, HJ quarterback Kurt Sherman called for the blue rhino, handing the ball off to John Hu for a quick 1/2 yd gain. Things were looking up for the Bison, and on the next play Sherman got greedy, calling the yellow ostrich on three (fake pitch to Hu deep out route by Zyn) which turned out to be a disaster. Pat Zyn never got off the line, as he was nude, and Sherman threw a 3 yd out route that was picked and run back for the TD. Suffice it to say, by the end of the quarter the Browns practice squad was up 49-0, and the Bison had run 5 plays for -56 yds.
Quarter 2: The Browns, up 49-0, take their foot off the gas a bit, deciding to rest up and play only 3 on each side of the ball. On their first play from scrimmage in the second quarter, the Browns center snapped the ball to QB Aron O'Malley, who ran straight through 11 Jerk defenders for a 99 yd score. Down 56-0, Hey Jerk took the ball at the 20 with a new goal in mind. "Lets get a yard" said tailback Skip Russo - and they did that and much more. Against a defensive line of 1 and secondary of 2, Russo calls the sneaky-maria, a trick play. Sherman pitches to Hu, who in turn runs the flea flicker back to Sherman - who hits Russo with a 4 yd curl. With no one within 20 yds of him, and Zyn passed out nude at the Browns 40, Ruso takes it 80 yds for the score. Lou Ruso adds the extra point and the scoring in the first half is done - Bison head to the locker room down 56-7.
Halftime Recap
Zyn passes out in stall 3, forcing Coach Hu to activate Dead Karol. Sherman runs into the opposing locker room nude, screaming about the state of international nuclear affairs.
Quarter 3: HJ start off at the 20. Browns decide to rest 3rd defender, start off with one man line and one man secondary. First play from scrimmage, Sherman end-around to Christensen, who lined up wide. Christensen hit for 12 yd loss and fumbles the ball, recovered by the Browns. Fortunately, the Browns are running a two man offense. On their first play, LB Dead Karol chases QB O'Malley back 92 yards into his own end zone and records the safety. HJ right back in the game, 56-9.
Quarter 4: Browns decide to leave. Sherman, while throwing 4 picks in the quarter, remains in the game at QB and hands the ball off 43 times to Hu, who scores 7 TD's uncontested. The Browns squad left at 14:55 of the quarter, so was not present to witness their demise. HJ lineman Steven Christensen carries Hu off the field, and they start writing a novel post game entitled "Bison v. Browns Practice Squad: The Game That Changed The Millenium." Bison win, 58-56.
Box Score
Notable Stats
Sherman: 1-17, 80 yds, TD, 7 INT
Hu: 57 carries, 347 yds, 7 TD
Next Game: V. Winder Barrow HS (GA)
November 16, 2011
Percy: Alive
Hey Jerk has obtained this special report on the condition of Yerd Percy: he has been found alive in his Merkle County home.
The 83-year old was biking with a walnut Wednesday afternoon when his bicycle collided with a man named Barry. No other information was provided on the crash, but Percy was late to his Pimple Namer's Anonymous meeting, and family and friends grew worried.
Percy had a piece of toast at 2:51 p.m. and named it Eleanor.
The 83-year old was biking with a walnut Wednesday afternoon when his bicycle collided with a man named Barry. No other information was provided on the crash, but Percy was late to his Pimple Namer's Anonymous meeting, and family and friends grew worried.
Percy had a piece of toast at 2:51 p.m. and named it Eleanor.
November 15, 2011
Rare Drawing For Sale
"Dr. Crugg"
Marker on counter top
$200
Email Bob Feathers at bobbyfeathers@gmail.com
November 11, 2011
Meet A GCSA Team: Warren Road
Location: West Gafreda
Team Name: Warren Road
Stadium: Shonsen Pepano Memorial Field
Capacity: 3,300
Owner: Jeffrey Lyons
GM: Percy Schmidt
Manager: Pasqual Perez
Last Season: 20-21, 9th place
Southwest Conference
C: Doof Quintera
1B: Kelvin Charles
2B: Salvador Crosby
SS: Trevor Travis
3B: Pickle Pickell
RF: Cholly
CF: Schmertz Febblo
LF: Vladimir
UT: Yert Clemons
SP: Robert Alan Feathers
SP: Len McReynolds
RP: Happyears McNulty
RP: Odibe Yunk
CL: Qua Zitz-Shine
Team Name: Warren Road
Stadium: Shonsen Pepano Memorial Field
Capacity: 3,300
Owner: Jeffrey Lyons
GM: Percy Schmidt
Manager: Pasqual Perez
Last Season: 20-21, 9th place
Southwest Conference
C: Doof Quintera
1B: Kelvin Charles
2B: Salvador Crosby
SS: Trevor Travis
3B: Pickle Pickell
RF: Cholly
CF: Schmertz Febblo
LF: Vladimir
UT: Yert Clemons
SP: Robert Alan Feathers
SP: Len McReynolds
RP: Happyears McNulty
RP: Odibe Yunk
CL: Qua Zitz-Shine
November 9, 2011
Horace Meglock: Biography Release Party Announcement
Horace Meglock, former Staff Aquarium and well-liked astronaut, is being honored posthumously through a biography written by Gerrit Oberman. As most of you know, Dr. Meglock was lost to us after being kidnapped and forced to live in one Oscar Rainbow's basement while he was on a vacation to Indiana with his family, the Meglocks.
Meglock (Deceased)
An excerpt from the biography can be found below.
"Horace was a silly man, constantly trying to entertain. His sense of humor ran out, however, when the horrible Mr. Rainbow felt that the basement had become too cold. Citing research he had done, Rainbow claimed that Horace Meglock was a solid alternative to kindling wood, and threw Mr. Meglock into his furnace. Meglock's family watched with popcorn in hand as Horace slowly but surely perished and headed towards the next phase. " - Chapter 3, Page 67
The book is being released this Friday, and will be available for sale at all local Hey Jerk convenience stores for €49 (49 pounds). Please join us in restroom 4c for the celebration Thursday at 9 PM.
- Staff Novelist Warren Lump
Meglock (Deceased)
An excerpt from the biography can be found below.
"Horace was a silly man, constantly trying to entertain. His sense of humor ran out, however, when the horrible Mr. Rainbow felt that the basement had become too cold. Citing research he had done, Rainbow claimed that Horace Meglock was a solid alternative to kindling wood, and threw Mr. Meglock into his furnace. Meglock's family watched with popcorn in hand as Horace slowly but surely perished and headed towards the next phase. " - Chapter 3, Page 67
The book is being released this Friday, and will be available for sale at all local Hey Jerk convenience stores for €49 (49 pounds). Please join us in restroom 4c for the celebration Thursday at 9 PM.
- Staff Novelist Warren Lump
HJ Bison Practice #3: Report
Gary, Indiana - The Bison took the field this morning for their third practice in preparation for their season opener next week, and looked mentally and physically ready to dominate their competition. A few highlights from the practice below:
Ruso: Left practice at 14 minute mark to make "violent diarrhea" in the women's restroom (Reason for using women's restroom below)
Zyn: DNP. Was found nude and smoking a cigarette, locked in the men's restroom singing "God Bless America." When door was finally knocked down, Zyn barreled through security and ran into the woods, screaming about the economy.
Christensen: Ate a cheeseburger during a triple option where he was to pull and lead block left, was reprimanded with a whipping on the sideline by assistant coach Sherman.
Sherman: Pantsless. Refuses to say "hut" or "hike" in order to get Kavack to snap ball, insists on saying "Economy" instead. Photo taken after Sherman threw his 14th pick of the scrimmage (below)
Hu: Ate LG Christensen. Lineman becoming scared for lives.
O'Dea: Flashes the stands, while yelling "boo-yah!" Fans flee.
More updates to come.
- Staff Bison Man Warren Lump
Ruso: Left practice at 14 minute mark to make "violent diarrhea" in the women's restroom (Reason for using women's restroom below)
Zyn: DNP. Was found nude and smoking a cigarette, locked in the men's restroom singing "God Bless America." When door was finally knocked down, Zyn barreled through security and ran into the woods, screaming about the economy.
Christensen: Ate a cheeseburger during a triple option where he was to pull and lead block left, was reprimanded with a whipping on the sideline by assistant coach Sherman.
Sherman: Pantsless. Refuses to say "hut" or "hike" in order to get Kavack to snap ball, insists on saying "Economy" instead. Photo taken after Sherman threw his 14th pick of the scrimmage (below)
Hu: Ate LG Christensen. Lineman becoming scared for lives.
O'Dea: Flashes the stands, while yelling "boo-yah!" Fans flee.
More updates to come.
- Staff Bison Man Warren Lump
November 8, 2011
Biggens "Moves On"
Gevin Biggens, Staff Lunatic, has "moved on to the next phase," according to Staff 747 Gregory Maldoo.
Biggens
While Maldoo would not clarify what "moving on to the next phase" meant, it is believed that Biggens has moved to the city of Atlantis and will live out the remainder of his time on this Earth somewhere in the Pacific.
Please join us in not caring.
- Staff Biggens Man Beau Fimmons
Biggens
While Maldoo would not clarify what "moving on to the next phase" meant, it is believed that Biggens has moved to the city of Atlantis and will live out the remainder of his time on this Earth somewhere in the Pacific.
Please join us in not caring.
- Staff Biggens Man Beau Fimmons
HJ Bison Practice #2: Report
***THIS NEWS IS BREAKING AND HAS BEEN CONFIRMED BY THOSE WITH KNOWLEDGE OF THE BISONS PRACTICE FACILITY***
Pat Zyn, WR and LB for the HJ Bison, was a no-show to practice today, which carries a 1 week no-cigarette punishment. 15 minutes after practice had begun, QB Kurt Sherman ran into the locker rooms screaming about the political climate in Russia. 3 seconds later, screams were heard coming from the depths of the facility. Upon further investigation, Sherman had located Zyn - nude in a trash can in Locker Room Beta. Zyn had 14 still burning cigarettes on his person and was mumbling something about "lack of dedication" on the Bison squadron. He was also found to be extremely intoxicated and needed 4 men to remove him from the trash can, as he screamed about "equality on this planet" and fought "for his rights."
The team has yet to decide what the punishment, other than the 1 week cigarette ban, will be.
Stay tuned for updates at The Jerk.
- Bison Lead Correspondent Warren Lump
Pat Zyn, WR and LB for the HJ Bison, was a no-show to practice today, which carries a 1 week no-cigarette punishment. 15 minutes after practice had begun, QB Kurt Sherman ran into the locker rooms screaming about the political climate in Russia. 3 seconds later, screams were heard coming from the depths of the facility. Upon further investigation, Sherman had located Zyn - nude in a trash can in Locker Room Beta. Zyn had 14 still burning cigarettes on his person and was mumbling something about "lack of dedication" on the Bison squadron. He was also found to be extremely intoxicated and needed 4 men to remove him from the trash can, as he screamed about "equality on this planet" and fought "for his rights."
The team has yet to decide what the punishment, other than the 1 week cigarette ban, will be.
Stay tuned for updates at The Jerk.
- Bison Lead Correspondent Warren Lump
November 7, 2011
Teams for upcoming GCSA season announced
Southeast Conference
Cleveland Garys
4th Street Dollar Store
Grandma Bertha's Bombers
New York Albatross
Montreal Flooring and Carpet
Team 35
Pauly's Plumbing
FetaCheeseRocks.Com
Stan, Ralph and Ralph Law Associates
Dinkie's Oversized Tractors
Fred's Hot Dogs
Paulfield University Pauls
Victor's Vigilant Hobos
North Ave. Coffee Shop Yetis
San Francisco 94'ers
Northwest Conference
Mort's Hardware Lions
Nottingham Noodles
Enis Valley Torpedos
Delwood City Blue Octupus
The Pet Store Golden Hurricanes
Ferguson City Squash
Herzog Vipors
Team 4
Ervin Fishbine's Team
West Ferguson Alleycats
Warren Road
Clupitchtown Asparagus
LaSalle Street Crusaders
South Ewing Raiders
Sid's Sub Shop
Cleveland Garys
4th Street Dollar Store
Grandma Bertha's Bombers
New York Albatross
Montreal Flooring and Carpet
Team 35
Pauly's Plumbing
FetaCheeseRocks.Com
Stan, Ralph and Ralph Law Associates
Dinkie's Oversized Tractors
Fred's Hot Dogs
Paulfield University Pauls
Victor's Vigilant Hobos
North Ave. Coffee Shop Yetis
San Francisco 94'ers
Northwest Conference
Mort's Hardware Lions
Nottingham Noodles
Enis Valley Torpedos
Delwood City Blue Octupus
The Pet Store Golden Hurricanes
Ferguson City Squash
Herzog Vipors
Team 4
Ervin Fishbine's Team
West Ferguson Alleycats
Warren Road
Clupitchtown Asparagus
LaSalle Street Crusaders
South Ewing Raiders
Sid's Sub Shop
Dulfman Machine Discovered
Shocking news from Hey Jerk headquarters where a Dulfman machine was found in Capolo Forest late Monday. The Dulfmans, a famous peanut butter family that helped Uruguay win the 1988 Olympic games, were rumored to be extinct after former staff Larry Larry Dulfman was eaten whole by Bill Laimbeer during a May, 2011 basketball game against the Detroit Pistons. But Dulfman's son, Larry Jr. showed up in snow pants ("Hey Look, Dulfman's Got Snow Pants", Snow Pants Monthly, November 3, 2011) and will portray Richie Capooga in the plane plotzer's life story, due in theaters less than 580 years from now.
The exact location of the Dulfman machine won't be released to the press until all of the penguins arrive.
Full list of acts announced for music festival
The first annual Noodles! Music Festival will take place December 2 at Lump Fairgrounds. Here is the final list of music acts expected to perform:
* Wu Wuttles and the Destroyers of Furniture
* O7
* The Ronaldos
* Pimple Paul and the Unpleasant Experience
* The New Jerkified (featuring the voice recordings of Rex Sanchules)
* Percy Klinger
* Peanut Butter Face
* Benny Boyle The Boil
* Sanjay and Little Pete
* Asparagus Tuesday
* Chud Chang and the Tadpoles
* Paddock
* The Mossy People (special guest Pud Carlson)
* Behind The Refrigerator
* Lenny Miles
* The Dandruff Brothers
For tickets call 555-7734
* Wu Wuttles and the Destroyers of Furniture
* O7
* The Ronaldos
* Pimple Paul and the Unpleasant Experience
* The New Jerkified (featuring the voice recordings of Rex Sanchules)
* Percy Klinger
* Peanut Butter Face
* Benny Boyle The Boil
* Sanjay and Little Pete
* Asparagus Tuesday
* Chud Chang and the Tadpoles
* Paddock
* The Mossy People (special guest Pud Carlson)
* Behind The Refrigerator
* Lenny Miles
* The Dandruff Brothers
For tickets call 555-7734
HJ Bison Practice Report: November 7th
The Bison conducted their first practice today in preparation for their highly anticipated upcoming campaign. Several players showed up nude, and only one player, Jon Scottsten, showed up with clothes on (anklesocks). Sherman and Ruso showed up with shirts and undergarmies on, but no pants.
Practice Report, by Player:
Ruso: Ran 3 laps around HJ Field, fell down to floor and plotz in underwear. Sent to showers to think about what he had done.
Sherman: Arrived "raring" to go, pantsless. Picked off a deep out intended for Zyn, then removed the rest of his clothing and ran off the field and into traffic screaming. Now missing.
Hu: Ate center Brad Kavack, had to visit restroom.
Christensen: Was caught on sideline playing with his little guy. When approached, became violent and attempted to rape Coach Russo.
L. Russo: Kicked extra point (successful)
Zyn: Ran a deep out with cigarette in mouth, fell over and complained about pass interference call. Lit another cigarette.
B. Kovacik: Blew wind repeatedly when snapping ball, recovered Russo fumble and ran into wrong endzone.
Scottsten: Yelled something about the economy and walked to the locker room.
Harnisch: Showed up completely clothed and picked off 17 Sherman passes before making on the 50 yd line and departing.
M. Kavack: 1 pancake block.
O'Dea: Attempted to start a new company that constructs paper-mache footballs and sells them to prison inmates mid-practice. Hit the showers 20 min early.
Dead Karol: DNP
- Staff Bison Man Warren Lump Jr.
Practice Report, by Player:
Ruso: Ran 3 laps around HJ Field, fell down to floor and plotz in underwear. Sent to showers to think about what he had done.
Sherman: Arrived "raring" to go, pantsless. Picked off a deep out intended for Zyn, then removed the rest of his clothing and ran off the field and into traffic screaming. Now missing.
Hu: Ate center Brad Kavack, had to visit restroom.
Christensen: Was caught on sideline playing with his little guy. When approached, became violent and attempted to rape Coach Russo.
L. Russo: Kicked extra point (successful)
Zyn: Ran a deep out with cigarette in mouth, fell over and complained about pass interference call. Lit another cigarette.
B. Kovacik: Blew wind repeatedly when snapping ball, recovered Russo fumble and ran into wrong endzone.
Scottsten: Yelled something about the economy and walked to the locker room.
Harnisch: Showed up completely clothed and picked off 17 Sherman passes before making on the 50 yd line and departing.
M. Kavack: 1 pancake block.
O'Dea: Attempted to start a new company that constructs paper-mache footballs and sells them to prison inmates mid-practice. Hit the showers 20 min early.
Dead Karol: DNP
- Staff Bison Man Warren Lump Jr.
November 3, 2011
Rare drawing found
A rare illustration of an egg boy was delivered anonymously to Jerk headquarters late Thursday night.
It's one of only two known egg boy drawings in existence. The other is on display at East Quinkly Asylum in the Rainbow Wing.
November 2, 2011
Dulfman Jr.: Bringing the Dulfman Clan Back to Prominence
Larry Dulfman Jr., son of disgraced Staff Larry Larry Dulfman, is bringing it "back." He was offered, and immediately accepted, the leading role in the upcoming international blockbuster "Poo on a Plane: Richard Capooga v. the State of Illinois."
Dulfman Jr.
Cast
Larry Dulfman Jr. as Richie Capooga
Grits Murphy as the State of Illinois
Horace Binkley as Crazy Uncle Shane
"Frozengard" as the stuttering trashcan
Cleveland Booby as himself (cameo)
Grandpa Mo Shermania as Ol' Wiggles
Oscar Rainbow as the homeless walrus
Chung Fonway as the courthouse
Hector Didier as the Earth
Benny Wu as Gangster Willy
Alvin Pettaway as Shonsen Pepano IV
and introducing...
Koopa Gershowitz-Smith as Chuck Frozengard
Look for "Poo on a Plane" at a theater near you in April, 2590.
- Staff Film Man Warren Lump
Dulfman Jr.
Cast
Larry Dulfman Jr. as Richie Capooga
Grits Murphy as the State of Illinois
Horace Binkley as Crazy Uncle Shane
"Frozengard" as the stuttering trashcan
Cleveland Booby as himself (cameo)
Grandpa Mo Shermania as Ol' Wiggles
Oscar Rainbow as the homeless walrus
Chung Fonway as the courthouse
Hector Didier as the Earth
Benny Wu as Gangster Willy
Alvin Pettaway as Shonsen Pepano IV
and introducing...
Koopa Gershowitz-Smith as Chuck Frozengard
Look for "Poo on a Plane" at a theater near you in April, 2590.
- Staff Film Man Warren Lump
November 1, 2011
Marty and the Penguins
By Staff Correspondent Junior A. Sherman
Marty was the king of the penguin people, a group of northeastern Vohl responsible for the abduction of more than 15 uneaten pieces of toast (Toast Monthly, November 28, 1994). They had appointed Marty to his current post during the election of 1998, just two weeks after the winter artichoke and aardvark-eating contest sent four produce managers to the electric water fountain (Murray Times, December 2, 1998). Marty was running against the incumbent, canary, who promised Chinese people, but couldn't deliver.
During his acceptance yodel, Marty nearly overdosed on podium, but survived.
In January, 1999, the penguins threw a parade for Marty on the morning of the 16th, but it was too late (it was evening by then), and Marty was instructed to insult a statistician, take two Jills and call for maps of Wyoming in the morning.
Blessed with the gift of a road atlas, they could finally afford a drummer and Marty and the Penguins performed nightly at The Above Ground Pool until Paul Penguin drowned (Penguin Daily, August 13, 1999) and the rest of the group vanished to Spanish.
Marty was the king of the penguin people, a group of northeastern Vohl responsible for the abduction of more than 15 uneaten pieces of toast (Toast Monthly, November 28, 1994). They had appointed Marty to his current post during the election of 1998, just two weeks after the winter artichoke and aardvark-eating contest sent four produce managers to the electric water fountain (Murray Times, December 2, 1998). Marty was running against the incumbent, canary, who promised Chinese people, but couldn't deliver.
During his acceptance yodel, Marty nearly overdosed on podium, but survived.
In January, 1999, the penguins threw a parade for Marty on the morning of the 16th, but it was too late (it was evening by then), and Marty was instructed to insult a statistician, take two Jills and call for maps of Wyoming in the morning.
Blessed with the gift of a road atlas, they could finally afford a drummer and Marty and the Penguins performed nightly at The Above Ground Pool until Paul Penguin drowned (Penguin Daily, August 13, 1999) and the rest of the group vanished to Spanish.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)