August 31, 2011

Butterfield Given .04% Chance to Live

Almond Butterfield, recently placed on Butterfield Support, has been given a .04% chance to live by his doctor, Dr. Crugg.

Pray for Almond Butterfield. This could be his last evening on the planet.

- Butterfield correspondent Almond Butterfield

Danny Devito Fan Club Letter

Dear Mr. Devito,

I just had my 500th viewing of Throw Momma from the Train (a new Woodland Trace apartment complex record, according to "Dale", who lives in the woods), and I had a very clear vision during the laundromat scene. I would like you to consider legally changing your name to Owen Lift. Now, don't get me wrong: you're a perfect Danny Devito; maybe the most perfect Danny Devito who ever lived. But you would be a perfect Owen Lift, too. Think about how much fun it is to say 'Owen'. And think of the perks: Owens Anonymous? Automatic entry. You could be mayor of Owentown (population: you and three other guys named Owen) by 2013. The first Owen Lift™-brand elevator? You'd take the maiden voyage. It's the opportunity all Owens/Dannys have been waiting for since the War of Many Owens ended in the early-70s. But don't just take my word for it. Let's see what Randy has to say:

"I told you I didn't want to be interviewed."

- Randy

Danny has already lived a thousand lifetimes. It's time to give Owen the Danny Devito of a lifetime.


Thank you for your time.

Until then,

Robert Feathers, DDFC member #3,458,996

August 30, 2011

Poo Exclusive

MAN FINDS POO
By the Ghost of Bog Piso

Records were made to be broken, and another has fallen in Wayley County. Poo was found at the old Godfrei home Tuesday night, a third-such sighting in the past week. Randy Godfrei was walking around in his underwear and corn chips when he spotted the poo resting behind a couch cushion. He immediately thought of his dog, Irv.

"I shouted out ‘Irv! Irv!’………but nothin’," said Godfrei.

Godfrei declared the dropping "longest ever", topping a December, 1998 poo that nipped the 19-inch mark. A plaque rests in Godfrei’s lawn from the ’98 poo and it might have a dance partner soon pending conference measurements.

"Biggest turd I ever seen, people included," added Godfrei.

August 29, 2011

HIRED: Scranton Booby


Scranton Booby, long lost and believed dead cousin of recently canned Cleveland Booby, has been brought on as Staff Urinal Translation Architect.

Booby



Booby, well known for his endeavors into Horse Mating phenomenons, is honored and delighted to be a part of our staff.

"Me like be staff."

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Booby to our homes.

- Booby man Cleveland Booby

August 27, 2011

No More Booby

Staff Handyman Cleveland X. Booby, one of the most hated staff members in Jerk history, has been fired, according to a waffle iron with waffles of the situation.

Booby, who finished an embarrassing 11th in the 1992 ear lobe election, was responsible for the murder of "more than 20 goldfish" (Qwerce Valley Times, May, 1997) and helped defeat longtime Jerk rival the Klinehorsts in the 2009 national Brussel Sprout Fight championship match.

Booby's family-a ketchup bottle named Sal and a photograph of a lawnmower-declined comment.

August 25, 2011

Dead Again: Staff Mogul, Ernie Ploop, Eaten

Ernesto "Shonsway" Ploop, former Staff Mogul, was found eaten and fecaled this morning at the foot of Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengards cubicle. He was thought to have died over a month ago, but apparently persisted.

Ploop (DEAD)



Frozengard denied the whole event.

"I've been framed. I know when I doo, and this wasn't my doo. Too green and moist. "

An investigation is underway but will not lead anywhere.

- Staff Ploop Ernie Ploop

August 24, 2011

Hey Jerk Baseball Exhibition: 2011 Houston Astros vs. Hey Jerk Bison

November 24, 2011

Gary, Montana - On a cool but smelly day in Gary, the Hey Jerk Bison took the field in a friendly exhibition match up against the recently disbanded Houston Astros, who were thrown out of MLB by force (17 security officers and 4 gorillas) by commissioner Bud Selig. Reason - "They STINK!"

Location: Gary Field
Attendance: 0


Game Summary: The Bison, fresh off a four game sweep of the Boston Gary Sox during which Josh Beckett was assassinated, came in ready to go. Brimming with confidence, they were shocked when they loaded the bases with no outs in the first but came away empty handed. Kirt Ashirman, knuckle ball specialist armed with a 13 MPH heater, did not disappoint, however. He fanned the side in the first, giving reason for hope. In the second, the Bison jumped to a 1-0 lead on the now defunct Astros after cleanup hitter Merk Riso hit a ball which was later found to have landed in China (China Press).

After a 27 minute delay to go to the local CVS and purchase a new ball, play resumed and Pat Zyn struck out on 2 pitches. Having seen enough, Bison Manager Marty Klemp pulled Zyn from the game, and had security take him to the execution room, ending his existence. Zyn was replaced in RF by Fronz Pekkernick.

As the game progressed, the Jerk squad broke out against Astros start Wandy Rodriguez, and after giving up 9 ni the 5th, Rodriguez started screaming at home plate umpire Bill Harnich, then removed his pants and ran into the right field stands screaming about the political climate in Mexico. He has not since been located.

Ashirman, his curve ball flat and his coolie smelly, surprises the crowd of no one by removing his pants as well in the bottom of the 6th inning, opting to pitch the rest of the game "au natural." Ashirman was not wearing underwear. Between a called strike two and a swinging strike three against Carlos Lee, Ashirman doodies the mound, leading to a 12 minute clean up crew suspension of play. Ashirman, citing the Constitution, refuses to wipe and continues the game, allowing only one run in the ninth on the classic hide-the-ball-in-my-rear-end-and-run-around-the-bases-until-I-score play by Astros SS Clint Barmes. Ashirman, clearly perturbed, immediately threw a heater at Barmes head as he walked to the dugout, ripping off his left ear. Barmes bled to death immediately and is no longer with us.

The Jerk, angry that they had allowed a ninth inning run, come out swinging in the ninth. Ashirman - still not wearing garments on his lower half - gets his first hit of the game, a dribbler to the mound. After fecalating on first base, which lead to another 12 minute suspension for cleanup, Ashirman rushes the mound and murders Astros relief pitcher Sergio Escalona. Play continues and Ashirman steals second, third and home. The rest of the runs come afterwards, fueled by a 17-17, 7 HR, 26 RBI performance by Merk Riso.

Final Score: Bison 47, Astros 1
Deaths: 2

Butterfield Situation Not Good

Staff Kweglo Almond Butterfield has been placed on Butterfield Support.

We'll have more on this developing story throughout the day.

Capolo Builds Car



Jerk editor Capolo Henderson has built his own motor vehicle and named it the "Capolomobile." The 53-year old will now be responsible for driving Mildred Jenniwith to her Thursday evening calligraphy classes, as well as running over any stray Cruggs who may wander into the parking lot.

- Staff correspondent Steven Christensen

August 23, 2011

Job Interview

Hey Jerk's recent interview with Hector Wertz:

Hector Wertz: hello, I'm looking for work
Editor, Capolo: what type?
HW: anything with your influential site, I just want to be part of the experience.
C: oh sure sure. I have Staff Sure
HW: I'll apply for it
C: experience?
HW: sure, sure
C: ok good, schooling?
HW: Oppolis Tech - '73-'76, expelled for Sure
C: wow, that's rough
HW: sure


Wertz

C: ok, criminal history?
HW: sure-1993 I kidnapped Hank Sure
C: that isn't good
HW: I was sure sorry when they caught me, spent 6 years in Sure-Sure
C: you sound like an ideal candidate
HW: sure
C: one more question
HW: sure
C: Dinkus?
HW: I don't understand the question, but sure
C: hired, when can you start?
HW: sure as I'm sitting here, I can start august of 2012. I need a year to be sure
C: hired
HW: sure

Naughton Responds

Cal Naughton Jr. has released the following statement through his publicist, Donald, in response to his firing.

"I, Cal Naughton Jr., want to make it clear that I am leaving my post on my own volition. I make no excuses for the small minded. I joined the company to inspire. I like to take this moment to officially announce my candidacy for Mator of Tortilla Flat Arizona. GOD BLESS AMERICA!"

The Jerk will respond in due time.

Thats It: Enough is Enough, Naughton Jr. Fired

Staff Probationary Editor Cal Naughton Jr. has been eliminated, according to a walrus (Gerard) with inside access to Jerk HQ.


Naughton Jr.


Naughton Jr,, best known for doing nothing in his 7 months here at The Jerk as well as his ability to poo the national anthem, will be missed by a few, but not many. One of his supporters, Simfonia Fimchonchko, spoke out after the news broke.

"Naughton was a great man, and a lot of man. He had a head the size of a basketball and knew how to pass wind. The Jerk is making a huge mistake here."

Naughton Jr. had no comments at the time of this release. Stay tuned for further updates here at The Jerk.

- Staff Ashirmin Gary GaHorry

August 22, 2011

Drawings for sale

Egmond Zhalvez originals




$500 each
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com to order

Paddock Found Dead

Hey Jerk employees and their penguin families can finally move on as Yince Paddock was found dead underneath the Russo Street Bridge Monday afternoon. Paddock lived a reckless lifestyle that included frequent trips "over there" and high-speed wheelbarrow races with a local Canadian gang, The Gang's All Here. Paddock was also believed to be responsible for leading former Ben Gibbons biographer Art Leech down a dark path that eventual led to Leech's carpet cleaner overdose, and also for defacing Jerk headquarters with what was described as "Pee Pee Graffiti" (Nunce Valley Times, May, 2006).

Paddock was survived by a photograph of a toaster oven and his toaster oven, Merle.

August 18, 2011

"Find Fempot" Thursdays - First Edition


Can you find Gary Fempot?

This may or may not become a weekly challenge. If you think you have found him, please send a note to new Fempot Man Alfredo GaHoo (alfredogahoo@gmail.com) with your guess. If you are correct, you win a prize!


August 17, 2011

McGonk Fired



Early Wednesday, Hey Jerk officials realized there hasn't been a pig on site at headquarters since the Pig Uprising & Bacon War of 1977, so staff pig farmer FooFoo McGonk was fired.

McGonk came on board during the late-1990s in an attempt to force the rebel armadillos from their hiding place in Capolo Forest. McGonk and his army, desk calendar, defeated the rebels, then enjoyed a delicious cheese and Fonchonski pizza while debating the existence of asparagus-flavored toothpaste. In 2008, McGonk was responsible for ending the 3rd War of Many Cruggs, and earlier this year declared his love to his toaster oven, Blaine, which didn't go well for either party (Toaster Oven Fires of 2011, Russo Times).

Though the position of pig farmer has been eliminated, early reports indicate McGonk's old staff position will be filled by longtime American salad hero Percy L'Shon.

Also: McGonk is dead.

August 16, 2011

Hey Jerk Baseball Series: 2004 Red Sox vs. Hey Jerk Bison

Have you always wondered what would happen if the 2004 Boston Red Sox took on the 2011 Hey Jerk Bison in a best of 7 series? Well wonder no more, because the Jerk is bringing you exclusive game by game coverage of the mythical series, with an outcome that should surprise no one.

Game 1 - Hey Jerk Amphitheatre - New Gary, Ohio

Boston starts Curt "I painted my sock red for dramatic effect" Schilling, hoping to get the series kicked off on the right foot. The Bison counter with Kurt Ashirmin, all-world knuckleballer and eggplant aficianado. After one inning of play, the score remains tied at 0. However, in the second inning, Hey Jerk trots out slugger Harry Breswold with the bases loaded (Ruso, Christensen, Zin) and belts one to northern Missouri, giving the Bison an early 4-0. Schilling, distressed, removes his left shoe and runs to left field screaming, leading to a disqualification.

Hey Jerk 4, Red Sox 0 - Hey Jerk up 1 game to 0

Game 2 - Hey Jerk Amphitheatre - New Gary, Ohio

In an effort to confuse the Red Sox, the Bison once again start Kurt Ashirmin, to the surprise of a capacity crowed of 12. Confused, Pedro Martinez throws heater after heater right down the coolie, which leads to an early 47-0 Hey Jerk lead in the top of the first. With 1 out and the bases juiced, Mirk Reeso comes to the plate and sends a ball via coolie to southern Australia. The Red Sox remove their pants and run off the field, ending the game with 1/3 inning played.

Hey Jerk 51, Red Sox 0 - Hey Jerk up 2 games to 0

Game 3 - Fenway Park - Boston, MS

Boston comes home down 2-0 but feels good about their chances with Josh "fat face" Beckett on the hill. The Bison counter with Stevey Christensen, the wild and unneffective chubby starter from Scranton, PA. Beckett works a perfect first inning, and the Red Sox lay 14 on Christensen in the first, leading manager Gub Faalib to head to the bullpen and his trusted lefty, B.J. Kuvacheck. The score remains 14-0 until the top of the ninth, when Ashirmin, Reeso and Co. begin to pour it on, hitting Beckett with a line drive and assassinating him. Boston, in shock, turns the ball over to David Ortiz, who walks in 17 runs consecutively. The Bison bring in closer Skip Musso, who strikes out the side in the ninth and ends it with his patented Gorilla Dance ©.

Hey Jerk 17, Red Sox 14 - Hey Jerk up 3 games to 0

Game 4 - Fenway Park - Boston, MS

With their season on the line, Boston makes a bold decision and changes their team name to the Gary Sox. They come out on fired with Timmy Wakefield, 83 at the time, on the mound. The Bison have other ideas, however, as Morris Ashirman leads off with a homer over that stupid, ugly wall in left field. That would be all Kurt Ashirmin, on the hill for a third time this series, would need. Ashirmin goes 27 up, 27 down for the perfect game and celebrates on Fenway by removing his underwear and urinating and defacating all over the mound.

Hey Jerk 1, Gary Sox 0 - Hey Jerk wins World Series 4 games to 0

So thats it folks, thats how it went down. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a liar, and idiot, or didnt read their history books. Ashirman goes down as the only player in MLB history to pitch a perfect game in the World Series and then relieve himself on the mound.

- Staff Onion Henry Forbush

August 11, 2011

Bibswitch Finally Dead



Former lead correspondent Trent "Happy Feet" Bibswitch was killed in an underwear fire Thursday afternoon. In his 17 years at Hey Jerk, Bibswitch reported on several important stories, including the Capolo Mustard Packet Thefts of 2002, "Tinklegate", and Oscar Rainbow's brief time as president of the Tinotown chapter of Ernies for Jesus.

Bibswitch is survived by a photograph of a living room chair. Funeral services, originally scheduled for August 13, were canceled due to lack of Vince Salazar.

August 10, 2011

GROUNDBREAKING: Kafelnik Found Deceased

Gervin Kafelnik, recently hired Staff Bashonklin, was found passed away this morning in a toilet bowl on the second floor of his home. He was discovered by Gary Fempot, Gary Historian and Internationally renonwned Gary.

Kafelnik (Dead)


Fempot (Alive)



Fempot immediately phoned the authorities, stating that he had been at Kafelnik's residence to "sniff his toilet bowl seat" when he happened upon the body.

" I was getting a whiff of the toilet bowl seat, because old Gervin really knew how to make a doo. I spotted Kafelnik in the water of the bowl. I felt as if I should do something, but instead decided to continue my sniffage."

While it is not known how Kafelnik perished, it is believed that he may have had Dinkus Malfunction Disorder (DMD), which frequently leads to sudden extinguishment.

- Staff Odor Bill Odor

August 7, 2011

Kafelnik Hired



Gervin Kafelnik hired as Staff Bashonklin.

- Correspondent Mark Ruso

August 2, 2011

Final GaHarry Eliminated

Sad news from GaHarry Land as Vertnin GaHarry, believed to be the last of the more-than 7,000 GaHarrys, has succumbed to a tissue overdose in his hometown of Russoport.

Vertnin was responsible for the Peanut Butter Helmet Uprisings of 2006, as well as a wheelbarrow crash in 2010 that injured several dandelions.

Funeral services scheduled for August 6 have been canceled due to lack of Ronald Sanderson.


"Ronald won't be able to make it."

- Ronald Sanderson's lawyer, turnip


- Plumptin Valley Times Staff Writer Thomas D. Buck