Golfspeed Hired

Despite his poor interview a few days ago, Scallion Golfspeed was deemed too valuable to let slip away to a rival blog (weseegarys.blogspot.com was showing interest), and was hired on as Staff Naked today.

Golfspeed


Golfspeed, who apparently only allows himself to be photographed from behind, will also take on responsibility for killing Sherman Shermania, recently hired loser.

Please join us in welcoming Scallion to our staff.

Wednesday cancellations

Softball

* Doid Yolf @ Team Blue - rescheduled for April 3, 7:00 p.m.
* Max & Son Hardware @ Henderson Bakery - no makeup date announced

Meetings

* Remaining Kevins Together - rescheduled for April 17
* Coolies On Ice cast meeting - moved to Friday at 2:00 p.m.

Shermania Onboard

Sherman Shermania has been brought onboard as Staff Jump Rope, effective immediately (pending semen samples).

Shermania


Sherman, who has all four limbs, also appears to be growing additional red stick-hands out of his face. When questioned about this, Shermania seemed ignorant.

"What are you talking about? I'm the best looking piece of meat you have ever seen, and I have 14 secret appendages in places you will never discover. Unless I remove my pants, then you'll be able to see them and they won't be secret anymore. "

Bio

Name: Sherman Shermontavious Shermania
DOB: 4/11/1905
Sex: N/A
Height: No
Weight: 15 lbs.
Marital Status: No
Partner: Harvey Golfspeed (1967-Present)
Experience: Fetus Burger, 1645-1946, Golf Carts 'R' Us, 1988
Comments: Loves placenta soup, rashes; hates short toenails, cursive

Please join us in murdering Sherman Shermania as quickly as possible.

Staff Correspondent Oogee Wosp

Stanley Lyons Interview

Interview for Stanley Lyons

Sex - once in the 90s.
Place of birth - In a shopping cart underneath the Becker St. bridge
Height - N/A
Weight - N/A
Spouse (Name) - Zirnzo 46
Penis (Y, N) - It's a matter for the courts to decide (The state of Mississippi vs. Stanley Lyons)
Gary? - That question doesn't make any sense so I'm not going to answer it
Name of any being living anywhere on your person - Stanley Jr. lives in my navel and there's a rabbit I call Boris who resides under my left big toe. Once, me and Boris went to the amusement park and he went on the roller coaster and got sick and threw up green stuff.


1. Please list all of your previous employment, including any murders you may have committed along the way
1976-1983: Cashier at Tomato Petes Restaurant & Worm Shop. Fired in May, 1983 for eating too many worms.
1984-1998: Stood on line at unemployment bureau.
1999-present: Power forward on the Glub City Pythons basketball team. Have yet to get in a game.

2. List all of the educational institutions you have attended.
1965-1970: Helenstone Elementary School. Graduated June, 1970 despite severely injuring my math teacher, Mr. Tomlinson in a tractor accident in the school parking lot.
1971-1978: home-schooled by my grandfather Murray. He taught me many things, including what an I just pooped in my pants face looks like.
1981-1982: attended Feathers U. Expelled November, 1982 for nudity/chalkboard theft.

3. List your extra-curricular activities in high school.
- Talent show judge (fr, soph, jr, sr)
- Debate team critic (soph, jr)
- Junior varsity soccer assistant statistician (fr, soph, sr)

4. List your top 3 poos
January, 1983 - one flew out and hit the bathroom mirror. Single-handily won Uruguay the Olympic games.
December, 1990 - Christmas morning prank played on my Uncle Ivan. He checks twice now before opening any presents
April, 1994 - I did it out of the back of a moving car. Single-handily lost Uruguay the Olympic games.

5. Thoughts on Ed Xomcheese?
I think he could definitely win that spelling bee.

6. List your first 3 boy/girlfriends, their names, and the thing you remember most about them.
1. Henry Winfield. He always kept chicken noodle soup in his pocket.
2. Janet Winfield. She had a brother, Henry, who was upset with me for breaking up with him and going out with Janet.
3. Dr. Vanessa Stone. Broke up with me when she found out I had lied about being an astronaut and a former president of the United States.

7. What are your thoughts towards the Rainbow/Shermania coalition?
I think it's a big step for the Canadian people.

8. Whats your gas situation on a day in, day out basis?
That's not a question I'm prepared to answer at this juncture.

Golfspeed Apparently Not Hired

Interview questions

Name - Scallion Golfspeed
Place of birth - Pacific Ocean
Height - Unknown
Weight - Appr. 400 lbs.
Ears (0, 1 or 2?) - 5
Name of man living in your shoe - Henry Buxbaum, but he passed over 12 years ago.

1. Please list all of your previous employment, including any jobs which involved rabbit fecal.

1888-1889 - Rabbit Fecal Technician, Rabbit Poo Inc. - Handled and consumed all Rabbit Fecal necessary for life on this planet to continue. Fired, August 1889, Attempted rabbit rape (photos taken for proof)

1890-1976 - Unemployed. Lived under a guys underwear (dirty) and sustained life force off of skid mark remains and dog tinkle.

1977-1980 - Burger flipper, McDonalds. Managed flipping of burgers from one side to the other. Fired, January 1980 for exposing my man parts to a 92 year old man, who subsequently passed.

1980 - 2009 - Unemployed. Found shelter in a large mans coolie and existed off of passed gas and perspiration.

2009 - 2009 - Owner, Hot Dog Hut. Shut down shop after 14 days of not selling a single Hot Dog. Technically, the shop was a figment of my imagination. In the courts as we speak, Golfspeed vs. The Toilet System of Georgia.

2010 - Present - Dead.

2. List all of the educational institutions you have attended.

1845-1846 - Schlofko Elementary. Expelled after attempting to stuff the school mascot, Jerry the Rhino, down my pants and take him on a voyage across the sea.

3. List your extra-curricular activities in high school.

Poo Squad - Captain. Never attended high school, but was still chosen as captain for local Poo Squad which won 1911 and 1926 Missouri state championships

Homosexual - Experimented with men during high-school years.

4. What are your hopes and dreams for the future. (Please do not list any bathroom-related wishes).

I need to be given a shot at life, at living it to the extreme! I also hope to try cinnamon waffles and venison poo.

5. Schlofko?

Arn Schlofko? Passed on (murdered) in 1984. Incident involved a shovel and a bag of uncooked brussel sprouts, which someone (me) continually pelted Schlofko with until he passed on to the next place.

6. List your three favorite sandwiches and how they've affected your life.

Meatball - makes me remember my Uncle Wilbur
Turkey - Led to the "Great Doo" of '68, during which the entire state of Florida was evacuated and after which I was confined for over 10 years.
Car - Car sandwich.

7. What are your thoughts towards the Rainbow/Shermania coalition?

Rainbow/Shermania are the ugliest bunch of losers this side of the Potomac. They are constantly running around without pants on, screaming about the president of THESE united states and how he has wronged them. They deserve to be put out of their misery, or raped.

8. Newton Clem vs. Clem Newton, who do you pick in a brussel sprout fight?

Newton Clem passed on last night, so Ill go with Clem Newton.

thank you,
Management

Clem says hello

Newton Clem said hello earlier today. Here's an excerpt:

"Hello."


A response from Hey Jerk officials is expected in the coming days.

Valuable Drawing For Sale

Gary Gaharry autograph




$2,000
If interested, email c.compelio@gmail.com

Feetarms Hired

The Jerk has announced the hiring of Gary Feetarms as Staff Target. Feetarms will stand against the south wall at headquarters and staff members can throw things at him to relieve stress. Feetarms released a statement through his lawyer, Allen Shakaynish:

"I draw the line at fecal matter."

Feetarms, a native of the planet Muffin, will also be responsible for refereeing any coleslaw fights that inevitably break out during the spring months.

Two new baseball teams ready to play

Here are the rosters for the two expansion teams in the HJBL, the Winnipeg Skidmarks and the Sioux City Yell.


Winnipeg

Owner: Cito Poptartinio
GM: Otis Feathers
Manager: Ronnie Stinkpot
Venue: Diet Coke Stadium at Poopy Field

1B Coach: Ronnie Beliiard
3B: Chee-Cho "Two Nostril" Henderson
PC: Kirk Aschirmen
Bullpen Coach: Rawry Fimply
Hitting Coach: Kevin Long
Bench Coach: Pal Fimply

1B: Skippy Russo
2B: Red Sanchules-Didier
SS: Gary
3B: Joe Dimaggio
LF: Robert Feathers
CF: Gary 2
RF: Womp Fube
C: Tinkle Murphy
B: Yoch Fwegly
B: Jerry Jerry
B: Igloo Rhinoceros
B: Otis Nixon
RP: Gary 3
RP: Poopy Macintosh
RP: Mariano Shmivera
RP: Krockle Phwinn
P: Yeti Sphinx
P: Chuck Frozengard
P: Mrooble Fonchonski
P: Yo Nee



Sioux City

Owner: Happy Leach
GM: Blinky McGee
Manager: Marc Russo
Stadium: Blast! Cola Stadium

Squad:

C - Forrest Fluff
1B - Mutt Celery
2B - Squeaks Macafee
SS - Julio Montero
3B - Lance Pershack
RF - K'adarious Reynolds
CF - Mickey Wendell
LF - Laphonso Martinez
B - Jingo James
B - Xavier Ryan
B - Quayshon Valdez
SP - Mel Sock
SP - Pasqual Benitez
SP - Rabbit McGinley
SP - Smoke Herzog
RP - Mop Vanderells
RP - Nannie Tucker
RP - Art Buffalo

Murray Rainbow Passes On To Next Place

Murray Rainbow, and his earring Pwox Rainbow, were found in dead formation on the 14 yard line of Hey Jerk Field early this morning.

Murray Rainbow (DEAD)


Local Private Eye Boris Yumchee was immediately on site investigating the strange event.

"It appears Mr. Rainbow was again playing an imaginary game of American Football in the middle of the night when a sniper took him out from an undisclosed location on Mount Capolo. It is not yet known what the motive for the slaying may be, but Mr. Rainbow did make it further than he ever had in the past: 14-yard line."

More on this murder to come.

- Trent Bibswitch MD

Butterfield Hired

Almond Butterfield, local cockroach assassin and grocery store cashier, has been hired on to fill the vacant role of Staff Kweglo.

Butterfield


Butterfield Bio

Name: Almond Balmond Butterfield, Esq.
DOB: 10/11/98
Height: 6'4"
Weight: 47 lbs
Nose: yes
Shirt: genitalia
Sexual Preference: Mule
Experience: 14 yrs, garbage technician; 50+ years bongo expert
Comments: Likes 10 and under aged mules, walks in the desert; dislikes computers and people that call him Albert

Please join us in welcoming Almond to our great staff!

- Trent B.

BREAKING: Film Cast Announced

The cast for the upcoming thriller,

"Diarrhea in Kroger #597: A toilet, a Flying Walrus, and an exorbitant amount of Buttpee" has been announced.

Starring

PuPuPu Gwipp as Lenny Toilet (cameo)
Don Mattingly as himself
Kart Bisshermin as Freddy the pole-dancing Koala
Mickleby Ruso as John Candy's ghost
Capolo as homeless man #14
Aunt Estelle as Gary Fempot
Igloo Meebers as Angus the evil donkey
Cleveland X. Booby as Mayor Ed Bumpus
Brad Pitt as the urinal door
Stevin Kristtunsun as fat guy #2 (cameo)
BJ Kivachik as himself (in the first ever filmed live diarrhea scene)


Coming to a theater near you in March, 2019.

Johnson Hired

After years of service in a nearby flooded hotel, H.F. Johnson has been hired on as Staff Chinese.
Johnson has over 75 years experience in this industry, and has formerly worked at places such as:

- Capoloshathispants.blogspot.com
- feathersisgay.blogspot.com
- diarrhea.com
- Wendy's

After being let go at Wendy's for C.D.S (cheeseburger defacation syndrome), Johnson went into hiding under an elephant in northwest Ethiopia for 53 years. He recently surfaced after the elephant blew wind on Johnson, severing an arm and leg. Happy Family quickly swam back to Conyers, Georgia and has been a staple in local restaurants for the past 64 years.

H.F. (Happy Family) Johnson



H.F. will be responsible for all Chinese related incidents, foods, and translations. In addition to this, Johnson has agreed to be responsible for circumcisions here at the Jerk. Johnson asked that we announce that he is part of the R.S.A. (Rainbow Supporters Anonymous), and would like to be referred to as "Gary" while on staff.

- T. Bibswitch

Cast Announced for New Film

"I Smell Bologna: The Emmitt Landers Tragedy"


Cast:

Capolo Henderson as Emmitt Landers
Mick Russo as Billy the Jive-Talking Lawnmower
Twock Fimply as Palfonce Fimply Jr.
Estelle as Frog Keychain Salesman Beth Braswell
Zirp57 as Zropp75
Oscar Rainbow as Crazy Shane
Werner Derner as Ronnie "Vanilla Thunder" Derwood
Gary as himself
Almond Butterfield as Cashier #4
Chuck Frozengard as Boo Boo Baker/Evil Boo Boo Baker


In theaters May 1!

Finally, Staff Handyman Hired

After a year and a half of things breaking, cracking, leaking, and generally not working around blog HQ, Bob Blompton (Staff Hirer) made the important budget enhancements necessary for 2011 to bring on a Staff Handyman. Cleveland X. Booby, local Melvin Assassin and Janitor, has been stolen away from rival blog Rainbowhasskidmarks.blogspot.com, with an undisclosed financial agreement.

Booby


Booby, who specializes in urinal repairs, will also be responsible for weekly refrigerator cleanings, kiwi recruiting, and killing Emmit McKenna.

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Booby to our staff.

- Trent B.

Oz Sock, Recent Loser, Dead

Oz Sock is DEAD.



- Staff Correspondent W. Choothcka

Melvin News - 3/8/11

Recent Melvin happenings:

* The MA (Melvins Anonymous) meetings, normally scheduled for 3 PM every Sunday afternoon at the local watering hole, Water Hole, have been rescheduled for 3:01 PM every Sunday afternoon. Please mark your calendars accordingly.

* "Melvins In The Workplace: A Documentary on Melvins in Modern Day Corporate America" is looking for actors and actresses to portray Melvins in the upcoming blockbuster. To apply, email melvinq1974@hotmail.com.

* Attention all Stans, Harolds, and Robert Feathers - please go away. This news is for Melvins only.

* The Melvin Skateboarding club has been shut down due to lack of skateboards. Will not be re-established at a later date.

* Melvin Hombash - please contact the blog directly. Gary-related incident needs be discussed.

* Notable Melvin deaths this week: Melvin Hombash, local Gary historian. Also Ted Fummly.

- Staff Melvin Correspondent Ted Fummly

Gary News - 3/7/11

Here's the latest Gary news:


* Garyday has been approved. It will start at roughly 10:00 p.m. GST Sunday night and last until approximately 3:00 a.m. GST Monday morning. During that time, Garys may atone for their sins as well as purchase pool equipment. Unfortunately, during this five-hour period, Garys are also accustomed to religious persecution and must be heavily-guarded at all times. (Note: use the Gary flares in case of emergency).

* The March, 2011 issue of Gary Monthly is now available on newsstands. Some of the items in the latest issue:

- Where can I find a Gary? Dating tips for the woman on the go.
- Gary Recipe of the Month: Gary Soup with Mushrooms.
- Pleasant Times theme park has announced the opening of Gary Mountain. Our editor gets an inside look at the new ride.

* Gary obituaries include Professor Gary Tomjanovich, who taught Noodle Studies at Gary University & Cafeteria, and professional wrestler The Gary.


- Oz Sock

Deter Dead

Harry Deter, recently hired Staff Deter, was eaten early this morning, when Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengard realized that he had left his breakfast at home and started screaming hysterically, running around the building. Unfortunately for Deter, he looks like some type of seafood and Frozengard quickly picked him up, chewed a few times, and swallowed him whole.

Deter (DEAD)


Authorities are on site awaiting Frozengard's next bowel movement, so that the remains can be properly buried.

- Staff Lead Correspondent Trent W. Bibswitch MD

Deter Hired

Harry Deter
Staff Deter

Staff Assassin Found Dead

The Pal Fimply era has finally come to an end as staff editor Capolo found Palfamont dead Friday morning. Over the past five years there had been several rumors of Fimply dying, whether it be by school bus flattening, raccoon foot overdose, or a routine hamburger bun pummeling. Early reports suggest Fimply died Friday morning around 11:45 a.m. doing what he loved: dancing on the roof. His death, believed to be a roof falling, brings an end to a reign of horror and egg salad wading pools that plagued the Jerk since the 70s.


- Correspondent Jerry Troup

Momentous Day at The Jerk as New Editor Hired

Humphrey Kleinsauce, a maniacal Rainbow hater, has been hired on to fill the long needed role of Staff Editor. While The Jerk has several other editors, Kleinsauce is being brought on for his "firey" demeanor and his penchant for killing Rainbows.

Kleinsauce


Upon learning of his selection, Kleinsauce released the following statement through his assistant, Ing Weh:

" I hate The Jerk and everything about it. The only reason I am accepting this post is the possibility to write about and assassinate Rainbows. And to the readers - f*ck all of you."

Please join us in a hearty welcome for Mr. Kleinsauce.

- Lead Correspondent Trent Bibswitch

Zeddy Perishes

Many staff members are rejoicing this morning as Zed Xomcheese, one of the most tenured and hated staff members ever to be a part of The Jerk, was found dead under his cubicle desk. Apparently the murderer soaked Xomcheese in vinegar for several hours and stuffed him into an old Vlasic Kosher Dill jar.

Xomcheese (DEAD)


Xomcheese, who was known for frequent pantsless rants about his dislike for crunchy peanut butter and his skid mark stained desk chair, had been universally disliked for years. While his murder is troubling and will be investigated by local authorities, most believe the investigation will last less than 5 minutes and that the Xomcheese Pickle jar will be shipped out with this morning's UPS packages.

- Staff Lead Correspondent Trent Bibswitch

Cast List Announced

Late Night Poo-6th Doo In Two Daylights: the Heinrich Stapleton Dilemma


Starring...

Poo Charles as Capolo Henderson
Ghost Oscar Rainbow as Ipp Peetley
Trish McCafferty as Janice Janfellow
Bibbitch MoNkavitch as Tevin Muskie
ooo-ooo6 as Aunt Estelle
Barney Cloppwitch as Chuck F.7. Frozengard
Morris The Cat as Gerald the Cat
Venable Congwreee as Potato #5
Xavier Montaglia as Bobbert Q.W. Feathers


In theatres March 28

Nerdling: DEAD

Ned Nerdling
1938-2011

* Inventor of the Ned Nerdling Experience roller coaster ride
* Once ate 17 tree branches
* Piloted a killer wheelbarrow during The War of Many Nerdlings
* Married to a mailbox, Valerie (July, 2007)
* Divorced (August, 2007) after an argument over a A&P advertisement

Bah Era Begins

The Jerk has announced the hiring of Yo Bah as staff ear wax. Bah is the first hire from the planet Kermitch, a land made of parsley and marbles. Bah's duties will include the recruitment of new ear wax as well as judge #4 in ear wax eating contests, held on the fourth Thursday of every month.