December 30, 2010

Cast Announced for Upcoming Independent Film

Salami Sandwich 2: Lost in the Deli



Starring:

Rodney Glenn as the Lettuce of Wisdom
Len Rainbow as Professor Izz
Elgin Pepano as Pastor Ivan Qwane of Holy Jesus! church
Junior A. Sherman as salami historian
Popsicle Gary as himself
Kip Kipperton as Capolo Henderson
Paul Paulfield III. as Bologna Boy
Ernie as the Singing Pumpernickel
Randy Mejito as Captain Ben Bolio
Grombo-9 as Pastrami Helmet Salesman/fisherman 3


In theatres February 5, 2011!

Breaking Exclusive: o7 Comeback Tour Announced

o7, previously killed in a blimp accident, is back, and they are "as mediocre as before."

o7 Press Release Photo


Left to Right - Chung Fonway - Vocals and Doo Guitar, Bip Bipperd - Bass, Nermin - Percussion and backup vocals

Chung Fonway had a recent stint as Staff Dead Person/Loser, but was quickly re-killed after his hire. In amazing fashion, however, he's back again - and ready to make music that will please four people.

"I'm back, and no one will kill me this time. I guarantee it," said Fonway.

As far as Mr. Bipperd, it is not known if he is actually alive, or if it is the ghost of Bipperd that is performing with o7. No matter, says the band's bassist. "Alive or dead, I really know how to slap the bass. And i'll perform other actions as well, such as grooming testicle hair on staff."

Nermin is a bird.

Look for o7 to announce their first comeback tour date somewhere in the near future. It figures to be in late January.

- Staff Correspondent Wolt Fremp

New Film Announced

"The Fetus Returns: Apocalypse in San Juan"

Hitting theaters near you in February '12.

Cast

Chuck Frozengard as the Platypus Priest
Oscar Rainbow as the evil King Baboon
Flooesa as Gary Chezzwitz
Rory Quink as the hot dog vendor
Yanni Kapowski as Gerald the Pig
Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire
Farkk Mooso as Marc Russo
Kurt Aschermann as himself (cameo on toilet)
King Kong as Godzilla
Pal Fimply as Sal "Two-Face" Pepano

and introducing

Niffola Fucci as the smelly eggplant

Quink: Alive



Contrary to earlier reports that he had drowned in a mayonnaise pool, Sheshikiah Quink is, in fact alive, according to a photograph of a person with knowledge of the situation. Quink, who successfully had all the mailboxes in his neighborhood replaced with giant sneakers in the fall of 1983 and was bassist in the legendary band Smelling Gary, will continue to live in his shoebox with his pet hairbrush, Darryl.

- Correspondent Deidrick Bipperd

December 17, 2010

Staff Peanut Hired



A shocking development Friday afternoon as the Jerk announced the hiring of Pete "Peanut" Muskie as Staff Peanut. Muskie will oversee all peanut-related matters, including peanut war peace treaties and the production of Lil' Peanut's first rap album, Shell's Bells.

- Correspondent Vicky Kreimeier

Venley Quickly Eliminated



Sal Venley, hired as Staff Flat Screen TV early Friday, was killed a little later-than-early Friday by flying possum. Venley, who was the front-runner to fill the spot of Napubleian in the 2010 election, left behind a picture of a microwave and his goldfish, Trudy.

Let's not dwell on Venley's death and instead just move on with our lives.

Sal Venley Brought Onboard

Sal Venley, formerly Cort Ikkerman, has been hired as Staff Flat Screen TV, according to Robert Blompton, Staff Hirer.

Venley




Venley, who enjoys water skiing and murder, starts immediately. He released the following statement through his artichoke, Rick:

" I hate this blog and all of its staff members. I will do my best to be fired or killed immediately. Before that happens, however, I will remain in the 42nd floor cafeteria talking to Harold."

Please join us in welcoming Venley to our staff.

- Stinky Phopp

December 14, 2010

New HOF Inductee Announced


FAT NECK GLENN

Hey Jerk legend Minkus "Fat Neck" Glenn has been announced as the second blog Hall of Fame inductee. Glenn, current staff leader, was the first member of the blog to wrestle and eat a possum while fashioning a pair of buttered toast sandals (Capolo Times-January, 1983), as well as the second to be pelted to death by raisin (Twunk Wombat was the first - May, 1978). Glenn's proudest accomplishment was his portrayal of Dan Larusso in the epic, 2007 mini-series Miyagi Help Daniel Find Own Apartment.

December 10, 2010

Hey Jerk Announces First HJ Hall of Fame Inductee

In revolutionizing fashion, Hey Jerk is proud to announce the advent of the Hey Jerk Hall of Fame. Hall of famers are Hey Jerk icons that have left a lasting impression on not only this blog, but on the world.

Criteria to be eligible:

Alive or Dead.

The first member elected into the HJ HOF is.........

MROOBLE FONCHONSKI


Mrooble was the first of many Fonchonskis to grace this blog with his presence, and is responsible for such inventions as the "Fonchonski clip" and the "balloon." Fonchonski was murdered several times, but came back from the dead on all but one occasion. Unfortunately, Mrooble cannot be here to accept the induction, as he is once again deceased.

Alien Hired

Nugget-5 (From planet Zegg)


Will take on role of Staff Alien Loser.

Junes Hired

In the first of what is to be many Junes hirings, Footmund W. Junes was hired on this morning as Staff Foot.

Junes



Junes is believed to originate from the Planet Bloompto, where large talking feet are the norm. While it may seem odd to us here at the Jerk, we need to see past our discriminatory ideals and accept Footmund with open arms, or feet.

Welcome, Footmund W. (Whiskey) Junes!

"Capolo to Sea 2: Rainbow Attacks" Casting Revealed

Capolo as himself
DD Morris as Oscar Rainbow
Chuck Frozengard Jr. as "The Blimp"
Juzten Bogoba as Stan the shark
Oscar Rainbow as Illtz Febbers III
Shmoof Lintardo as Brad Kovacik
Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire (Cameo)
Jetpack Jones as the man living under Rainbow's toe
Freeda Jixon as Mr. Miyagi
Gary Gwemlock as the wandering snowblower
Mrooble Fonchonski as the octopus
Rory Pock as the softball coach
Kurt Aschermann as the evil Dr. Boofkus

Scheduled to be released in early 2014.

Frozengard Eats Staff Member

Chuck Frozengard, longtime loser and Staff Hobo, was spotted in the 47th floor ladies restroom eating an already deceased Sam Scoombie early this morning. While it is unknown why the hobo felt the need to assassinate and eat Mr. Scoombie, Frozengard did mention that he "liked his Scoombie's with spicy mustard."

Scoombie (Dead)


As of 10:19 AM GST this morning, Mr. Frozengard was still in the restroom finishing off Mr. Scoombie's left calf.

- J. Testicalia

December 9, 2010

Joelson Hired



Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Joel Joelson, one of the first three-eared men to ever marry a tomato, as Staff Joelson. The 46-year old had worked as lead detective in the lasagna thefts of 1984 and was the editor-in-chief at joeljoelson.blogspot.com before the site was destroyed in a walrus fire.

Heinrich, the cartoon mouse that lives in Joelson's naval, was also hired.

Casting Chosen for New Film

Glenn Under Siege: The Shmoof Lintardo Mutiny Story


Cast:

Pal Fimply as Shmoof Lintardo
Mick Rooso as Fat Neck Glenn
Ernie Holoogala as Capolo/Evil Capolo
Nick Kiprio as the talking banana
Padrick Zin as Stinky, the Softball Player Who Couldn't
Gheorge Muresan as Robert Feathers
Calvin Bechtold as Zirnbo 14
Pip Glenn as Jerry the Canary
Miles Derner as Oscar Rainbow
Rosie O'Donnell as Aunt Estelle
Von Paysley as the advice-giving toaster oven
Kirk Sherman Jr. as the ghost of Eddie Bagel


In theaters January 1!

Lintardo Hired

Shmoof Lintardo, longtime Kovacik supporter, has been hired on as Staff Kovacik in what is being called "The hire of the minute."

Lintardo


While many staff members are wary of a Staff Kovacik, leadership at HJ has believed that a Kovacik has been necessary in order to take our blog to the next level for some time now. Lintardo released the following statement through his PR rep, Farkk Mooso:

"I am honored to represent such a world renowned clan such as the Kovaciks, and will do everything in my power to represent the standards by which they operate: Stinkyness, gas, and hairy asses."

Please join us in welcoming Shmoof to staff.

- James Testicalia, Lead Correspondent, Hey Jerk

Vanderells Dead

Hannah Vanderells was found deceased under Bobby Feathers' cubicle desk this morning.

No more information will become available on this subject.

December 8, 2010

Vanderells Stops By

Hannah Vanderells stopped by Hey Jerk headquarters Wednesday afternoon to say hello.

We'll have more information on this story as it becomes available.

December 7, 2010

Staff Segway Hired

Yimp Bogoba, another in a long line of Bogobas, has been hired on as Staff Segway.

Bogoba


"While I have no experience in Segwaying, I feel as if I can most likely offer some sort of benefit to this staff. I make eggs."

No one cared about the hiring as of 1 PM GST.

- James T.

New Bogoba Hired, Several Staff Members Screaming

Shitknuckle Bogoba, long known "terrorist of the north," has been hired on as Staff Computer.

Bogoba

Bogoba, who is long known to have alliances with the Rainbow family, plans on world domination.

"My role as Staff Computer is two-fold: First, I will compute things as if I were a computer. Second, I will use my computational skills to devise a plan for world domination - during my non-working hours, of course."

Several Staff members, including Brucklin Crugg, were seen screaming and sprinting around HQ upon the arrival of Shitknuckle. Crugg has since been proclaimed missing.

- Staff Correspondent James Testicalia

December 6, 2010

Second Bogoba Hired, Rumors of World Domination Begin

Juzten Bogoba, no relation to Venton Bogoba, was hired early this morning as Staff Dachsund.

Bogoba


Bogoba, formerly James Testicalia, will start immediately. Bogoba brings several years of experience with him to HJ, including 14 years as Staff Quilt at rival blog BogobaForever.Blogspot.Com.

"I'm taking on the role of Staff Dachsund with one foot in the air, and the other on the ground."

Juzten is known to carry around a small man that lives on his left eyeball (Gerry), and has a penchant for Great Danes.

- Staff Correspondent James Testicalia

December 5, 2010

First Bogoba Hired



Venton Bogoba, a member of the prominent Bogoba family, has been hired as staff waver. Bogoba will be responsible for waving at passing motorists, floral arrangements and new staff banister, Don Menkley.

The Bogoba File

Age: N/A
Family: pine cone (Dwayne), marble (Betsy), daughter (Pinecone)
Military history:

1984-1986: soldier in the War of Many Salads. Wounded by cabbage schrapnel and received honorable discharge in May, 1986.

1988: captain of the 7th infantry in Pinch War of '88. Had eleven pinches in Mexico City (June, 1988)

1996-2006: lieutenant in United States giant ear core. Fought in several conflicts, including the Battle to Maintain Paul Paulfield's Hairpiece and the Asparagus Misunderstandings of '03. Retired from military service in December, 2006.

Work experience:

1972-1975: Salesman at Hank's Bait & Tackle Shop. Fired, January, 1975 for improper use of a dip bait.
1976-1977: Agent for child star Casey Iris. Fired and briefly imprisoned in November, 1977 for theft of sneakers.
1979-1982: Revising resume
1983: Power forward for the Richburg Torpedos basketball team. Released in February, 1983 after contract dispute/alleged referee kidnapping.