Phopp
Phopp has corresponded on a number of breaking news stories in his short time at the Jerk, and is in the process of completing his first novel, Things I Found In Barry's Ear.
November 29, 2010
Phopp Found
Stinky Phopp, a staff correspondent, finally made an appearance at Jerk headquarters Monday afternoon. The former mustard drinking contest champion made a mess in his shorts, took several envelopes from the supply closet and declared war on the sink in the 3rd floor restroom before running into the east woods.
Phopp
Phopp has corresponded on a number of breaking news stories in his short time at the Jerk, and is in the process of completing his first novel, Things I Found In Barry's Ear.
Phopp
Phopp has corresponded on a number of breaking news stories in his short time at the Jerk, and is in the process of completing his first novel, Things I Found In Barry's Ear.
Jones Passes Away
Oboe Jones, who was hired in late-July as staff orchestra, died in a violin fire early Monday. Jones, 62, was attempting to reunite a violin with its estranged mother when the string instruments caught on fire. Jones, who wasn't liked by anyone on staff, was eating a fingernail sandwich at the time and didn't see the flames.
Instead of funeral services, we're just going to go about our business like Oboe Jones was never hired in the first place. His dart board would've wanted it that way.
- Correspondent Thom O'Day
Sanchules Grinded Into Sausage
Kurt Sanchules, longtime unnecessary Staff Kiwi, was grinded into a pile of spicy Sanchules Sausage early Monday morning, according to Pip Glenn, who performed the ancient ritual.
Sanchules (Dead)
Following the incident, Glenn released the following statement through his publicist, Rourk Quosherman:
"While the Glenn family is sad to see Mr. Sanchules have to go, we simply needed the sausage for a Sanchules Stew dish we are preparing for this weekend. To the Sanchules family: we are deeply appreciative for the sacrifice you have made for the well being of the Glenn family."
It is believed that Pip Glenn plans on preparing the Sanchules Stew with a garlic glove and bottle of Ragu Tomato Basil.
- Stinky Phopp
Sanchules (Dead)
Following the incident, Glenn released the following statement through his publicist, Rourk Quosherman:
"While the Glenn family is sad to see Mr. Sanchules have to go, we simply needed the sausage for a Sanchules Stew dish we are preparing for this weekend. To the Sanchules family: we are deeply appreciative for the sacrifice you have made for the well being of the Glenn family."
It is believed that Pip Glenn plans on preparing the Sanchules Stew with a garlic glove and bottle of Ragu Tomato Basil.
- Stinky Phopp
November 27, 2010
Saturday Cancellations
Racquetball: Drunville vs. Wonto's Deli, moved to Monday at 8:00 a.m.
PaulfieldFest: postponed due to sock riot
Save the Elbows fundraiser: December 17
PaulfieldFest: postponed due to sock riot
Save the Elbows fundraiser: December 17
November 26, 2010
Autographed card for sale
Raul Mondesi
* Personalized to staff editor Capolo
$.07
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com
* Personalized to staff editor Capolo
$.07
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com
November 25, 2010
Hey Jerk's 1st Anniversary Party
Cake baked by editor Aunt Estelle
Editors Oscar Rainbow and Capolo
Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengard
Salami (did not make appearance)
Pinecone Eaten
A dark period in the Jerk's history has ended as Theodore "Teddy" Pinecone has been eaten by an alligator. Pinecone, who recently published his first novel "Smells I Smell", was frolicking in a nearby swamp when an alligator, Vincent, swallowed whole the former staff tree.
Pinecone leaves behind a pot of mashed potatoes. Funeral services were scheduled for Saturday at 1:00 p.m., but were canceled due to lack of interest. The mailbox flag eating contest will continue as scheduled, Sunday at 10:00 a.m.
November 24, 2010
**RESULTS OF ANNUAL AUDIT**
As you may recall, the Hey Jerk team recently retained the services of Carlos Consultant to examine a few concerning blog statistics. The results of the audit were revealed at today's annual meeting.
It was determined that Hey Jerk has an annual turnover rate of 58%. While high, it's not the 90% turnover rate previously assumed by insiders. The continuous hiring of new staff (on nearly a daily basis) into new positions balances out the rate. A few important statistics follow:
- The Jerk has hired 130 individuals into 130 positions (creating new positions for each individual rather than replacing exiting employees)
- One staff member has been hired twice. After being summarily fired, Chuck Frozengard was rehired as Staff Hobo on a probationary basis. He is banned from coming within 16 feet of a VCR; should he violate this agreement, he will again be let-go.
- Out of the 75 employees no longer with Hey Jerk, 72 died. Only 3 employees left for other reasons (Wendell Didier: Under Arrest; Zezbro 7: On the Run; Chuck Frozengard: Fired and rehired). Cause and effect has not yet been determined. The board will be meeting next Wednesday to discuss whether working at the Jerk is deadly or if management is inclined to hire people in "Death's Shadow."
- While many employees died in mundane ways (killed in Queh fire, dead by pen cap overdose, eaten by hippo, etc.), Chlembhat 16 was the unfortunate victim of interplanetary warfare. He remains the only Hey Jerk staffer to have died via hyper-neon ray gun.
- In addition to its 130 staff positions, Hey Jerk is the owner of three freestanding buildings. The Hey Jerk Jail (also known as Bertrund) houses Wendell Didier and Sanjay Gupta's cousin. This property is valued at 74,000 yen. The Hey Jerk Courthouse will be going up for auction this weekend. Finally, the Hey Jerk Headquarters have been renovated with indoor plumbing and floral wallpaper, boosting the eventual resale value by fifty percent to $0.04.
Carlos Consultant plans to work with the Hey Jerk board and proctologists from the local research hospital to determine what's killing Jerk employees. Stay tuned.
It was determined that Hey Jerk has an annual turnover rate of 58%. While high, it's not the 90% turnover rate previously assumed by insiders. The continuous hiring of new staff (on nearly a daily basis) into new positions balances out the rate. A few important statistics follow:
- The Jerk has hired 130 individuals into 130 positions (creating new positions for each individual rather than replacing exiting employees)
- One staff member has been hired twice. After being summarily fired, Chuck Frozengard was rehired as Staff Hobo on a probationary basis. He is banned from coming within 16 feet of a VCR; should he violate this agreement, he will again be let-go.
- Out of the 75 employees no longer with Hey Jerk, 72 died. Only 3 employees left for other reasons (Wendell Didier: Under Arrest; Zezbro 7: On the Run; Chuck Frozengard: Fired and rehired). Cause and effect has not yet been determined. The board will be meeting next Wednesday to discuss whether working at the Jerk is deadly or if management is inclined to hire people in "Death's Shadow."
- While many employees died in mundane ways (killed in Queh fire, dead by pen cap overdose, eaten by hippo, etc.), Chlembhat 16 was the unfortunate victim of interplanetary warfare. He remains the only Hey Jerk staffer to have died via hyper-neon ray gun.
- In addition to its 130 staff positions, Hey Jerk is the owner of three freestanding buildings. The Hey Jerk Jail (also known as Bertrund) houses Wendell Didier and Sanjay Gupta's cousin. This property is valued at 74,000 yen. The Hey Jerk Courthouse will be going up for auction this weekend. Finally, the Hey Jerk Headquarters have been renovated with indoor plumbing and floral wallpaper, boosting the eventual resale value by fifty percent to $0.04.
Carlos Consultant plans to work with the Hey Jerk board and proctologists from the local research hospital to determine what's killing Jerk employees. Stay tuned.
November 23, 2010
Plepbo 77 Flies Away, Presumed Deceased
Plepbo 77, hired on as the completely unnecessary Staff Windshield several weeks ago, was seen flying due north from HQ around 3:30 AM. Around 3:42 AM, Plepbo was spotted flying directly into the jet exhaust of an Airtran 757, and was presumed dead.
Plepbo (Dead)
Staff Smung Horace Smung commented on the death:
"Even though we had no idea what Plepbo was, or what his purpose was here, we all enjoyed his company. His green excrement entrails will be missed around HQ - you always knew where Plepbo was or had been."
Look for a new alien to be hired by weeks end.
- Stinky Phopp
Plepbo (Dead)
Staff Smung Horace Smung commented on the death:
"Even though we had no idea what Plepbo was, or what his purpose was here, we all enjoyed his company. His green excrement entrails will be missed around HQ - you always knew where Plepbo was or had been."
Look for a new alien to be hired by weeks end.
- Stinky Phopp
November 22, 2010
Baga Dies In Wheelbarrow Crash
Staff felon Wixom Baga died Monday evening in a wheelbarrow accident. The 42-year old, longtime wheelbarrow enthusiast and married to a wheelbarrow, Samantha, crashed into the Capolo River after leaving a salami function.
Baga left behind a turtle-shaped sprinkler, a small bag of toenails and his Banana Gentry bobblehead doll, which was covered in dead spiders.
Consultant Hired
The Hey Jerk team has hired a consultant, Carlos Consultant, to examine their 90% staff turnover rate.
Upon being hired by Hey Jerk, many previously outstanding applicants have fled, been fired immediately, or perished in unusual ways. Carlos will work hard to understand what's really going on.
"We're concerned that our high turnover rate is negatively affecting the quality of our blog," said correspondent Cal Naughton Jr. "It's gotten to the point where the majority of our posts are dedicated to sharing internal company matters with our readers."
Upon being hired by Hey Jerk, many previously outstanding applicants have fled, been fired immediately, or perished in unusual ways. Carlos will work hard to understand what's really going on.
"We're concerned that our high turnover rate is negatively affecting the quality of our blog," said correspondent Cal Naughton Jr. "It's gotten to the point where the majority of our posts are dedicated to sharing internal company matters with our readers."
November 21, 2010
New Smung On Staff, Kills Bagel
In a move some are calling "revenge," Horace Smung has been hired on as Staff Smung. His first order of business was to begin "Revenge Campaign 2010" and kill Carlos Bagel, a longtime Rainbow sympathizer. Smung "Smunged" Bagel, and at the current time it is not known what that means.
Horace Smung
Bagel (Dead)
"There will be more of my family. We won't slither around and take this type of abuse. We've lost Clive probably forever, but Ummbot is a man waiting in the wings."
- Staff Editor in Waiting Cal Naughton Jr.
Horace Smung
Bagel (Dead)
"There will be more of my family. We won't slither around and take this type of abuse. We've lost Clive probably forever, but Ummbot is a man waiting in the wings."
- Staff Editor in Waiting Cal Naughton Jr.
Smung Killed
With the news of Capolo retreating to the woods, there was no longer a need to employ someone to keep his nether-regions clean. So, in a brutal slaying, Clive Smung was murdered by vacuum. No one will miss Smung or his giant glasses. Funeral services were cancelled and instead the entire staff will be treated to Asparagus Ice Cream, courtesy of the Smung family.
Capolo Retreats to Forest
Breaking news from outside Hey Jerk headquarters as staff editor Capolo has apparently retreated to the woods to re-evaluate his life. The move to the woods was anticipated after the longtime editor and self-appointed "leader of the possum people" made a disturbing entry into his diary late Saturday:
Just returned from my meeting with Murray. He suggested I spend a few days in the north woods while things cool down. Tempers flared during a routine hamburger bun-inspection at the Inn Friday, and threats were made towards me and several of my lint traps. This doesn't feel like the idle threats and empty promises of previous regimes. This has the makings of a full-scale war and only the strongest and eyebrowless will survive. I'm bringing my finest celery in the hopes I can negotiate a suitable living space.
Capolo's duties at the blog, which include standing and pointing at things, will be handled by correspondent Cal Naughton Jr., while we monitor the situation for at least the next 20-25 minutes.
"I will take the responsibility of this job as I approach life-wearing a pastrami helmet," said Naughton Jr.
Last known photo of Naughton Jr. (June, 1996)
Just returned from my meeting with Murray. He suggested I spend a few days in the north woods while things cool down. Tempers flared during a routine hamburger bun-inspection at the Inn Friday, and threats were made towards me and several of my lint traps. This doesn't feel like the idle threats and empty promises of previous regimes. This has the makings of a full-scale war and only the strongest and eyebrowless will survive. I'm bringing my finest celery in the hopes I can negotiate a suitable living space.
Capolo's duties at the blog, which include standing and pointing at things, will be handled by correspondent Cal Naughton Jr., while we monitor the situation for at least the next 20-25 minutes.
"I will take the responsibility of this job as I approach life-wearing a pastrami helmet," said Naughton Jr.
Last known photo of Naughton Jr. (June, 1996)
November 17, 2010
Smung Hired, Feathers Spotted with Walrus
Clive Smung, the first in a long line of Smungs to come to this blog, as been hired on by Editor Capolo as Staff Capolo Ballsack Washer.
Smung
Smung, a human caterpillar, had the following to say after his hire:
"The Smung family is a proud clan, and I intend to keep those testes spotless. At the same time, we will fight the Rainbow clan and their attempts at dictatorship."
On a side note: HQ was attacked by a pack of rabid walruses today around noon. While there were no known casualties, Bobby Feathers was found in the 14th floor restroom fornicating with a walrus who said his name was "Albert." Upon being caught, Feathers screamed and ran out the door pantsless. It is believed that he has relocated to the water heater closet in the basement.
- Staff Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
Smung
Smung, a human caterpillar, had the following to say after his hire:
"The Smung family is a proud clan, and I intend to keep those testes spotless. At the same time, we will fight the Rainbow clan and their attempts at dictatorship."
On a side note: HQ was attacked by a pack of rabid walruses today around noon. While there were no known casualties, Bobby Feathers was found in the 14th floor restroom fornicating with a walrus who said his name was "Albert." Upon being caught, Feathers screamed and ran out the door pantsless. It is believed that he has relocated to the water heater closet in the basement.
- Staff Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
November 15, 2010
The Repercussions of Your Actions
"That's it! I'm going on a diet!" yelled Molly. She had no idea her simple decision would have such far-reaching consequences.
Claymore Brought on Board
Fetus "Feety" Claymore has been hired as staff dummy, effective as soon as the three-year old completes a nostril depth test. It's the first child hire since the Rocco Frompley Catastrophes of '09.
Claymore's assistant, a fettuccine noodle named Darren, was also added to the staff.
November 14, 2010
Sunday cancellations
Society for the Earless Gentleman: meeting moved to November 21
Whistle Battle 2010: postponed indefinitely
Softball: Capolo's Destroyers vs. Team 6, Hamster Hut vs. Bobcats
Gary Appreciation Day: January, 2011
Whistle Battle 2010: postponed indefinitely
Softball: Capolo's Destroyers vs. Team 6, Hamster Hut vs. Bobcats
Gary Appreciation Day: January, 2011
November 12, 2010
Grinold Goes Poo
Grinold backed away from his car and found the perfect, secluded spot to pop a squat.
Finally, Staff Dinkus Hired
Gerald Dinkus, an uncircumsized penis with 20/400 vision, has been hired to take on the role of Staff Dinkus.
Dinkus
After going nearly a year without a Staff Dinkus, it was decided by senior management that the blog could not take the next step towards world domination without a Dinkus on staff.
"I've got a cheese problem, and I tend to stink, but I'm going to bring a new type of odor to this blog. And watch out for me in chess. Don't challenge me."
Please join us in welcoming Gerald to our staff.
- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
Dinkus
After going nearly a year without a Staff Dinkus, it was decided by senior management that the blog could not take the next step towards world domination without a Dinkus on staff.
"I've got a cheese problem, and I tend to stink, but I'm going to bring a new type of odor to this blog. And watch out for me in chess. Don't challenge me."
Please join us in welcoming Gerald to our staff.
- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
Faalib Era Ends
Gub Faalib, former staff idiot, has been eaten by Maury Dinkus, according to Blinz County police chief Melik Ruso. Faalib, who spent more than 50 years in a Chinese prison and nearly four hours in the parking lot of a Chinese prison, was reciting his famous poem "10 Things I Glued Onto You" when Dinkus started snacking. Several staff members, including editors Capolo and Eddie Xomcheese were present at the time, but refused to help Faalib.
"The man had four arms. If I was really hungry and I saw Faalib, I probably would've eaten him, too," said Capolo. "Besides, he sawed off half of my desk chair and also tried to sleep with my ex-houseplant, Martha. I'm glad he's dead."
"Faalib? I've never heard of her," said Xomcheese.
The Faalib funeral will be held this Sunday at 3:00 p.m.; insects and sweat cups will be served.
November 9, 2010
Clyde Jackson Hired
Clyde Jackson has been hired as Staff Ron.
Jackson
- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
Jackson
- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
November 7, 2010
Faalib Hired
Gub Faalib, once imprisoned for over 50 years in a Chinese prison, has been brought on by Staff Hirer Rob Blompton. Faalib has agreed in principle to take on the role of Staff Idiot, while receiving absolutely no compensation from the Jerk.
- Staff Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
Faalib
"I've got ova fowty yeahs expewience in the ideeut industree."
Other than making that statement, Faalib quickly retreated to the office playground and is believed to be hiding out inside the enclosed slide.
- Staff Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp
November 3, 2010
BREAKING: Rainbow, Feathers Found Fornicating in 7th Floor Janitorial Closet
Breaking news here at The Jerk, as Oscar Rainbow, recently placed in the custody of local homosexual lunatic Bobby Feathers, was found fornicating with Mr. Feathers in the closet on the east side of the 7th floor. Neither man had pants on when found, and Mr. Feathers ran screaming, pantless, to the 12th floor women's restroom - 4th stall.
Rainbow (Gay)
Feathers (Gay)
Rainbow, upon being unglued from the furnace, re-pantsed himself and had the following to say:
"Bobby and I have known each other for over an hour, and we are in love. Through our fornication, a new power at this blog has been conceived. I introduce you all to Cotton Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers."
Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers
Mr. Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers, whose grandfather's name was Ralph Scoomgongy, has been immediately hired on as Staff Infant. Please welcome Rainbow-Feathers to our blog.
As far as Editor Rainbow, he is now out of the closet and fully prepared for war with Xomcheese.
- Beau Fimmons
Rainbow (Gay)
Feathers (Gay)
Rainbow, upon being unglued from the furnace, re-pantsed himself and had the following to say:
"Bobby and I have known each other for over an hour, and we are in love. Through our fornication, a new power at this blog has been conceived. I introduce you all to Cotton Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers."
Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers
Mr. Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers, whose grandfather's name was Ralph Scoomgongy, has been immediately hired on as Staff Infant. Please welcome Rainbow-Feathers to our blog.
As far as Editor Rainbow, he is now out of the closet and fully prepared for war with Xomcheese.
- Beau Fimmons
Corcoran Hired
After a long wait of 14+ years, Rory Corcoran has finally been granted his sole lifelong wish: employment at The Jerk. In the wee hours of this morning, a contract was finalized which will keep Corcoran on staff through Friday, serving as Staff Underwear.
"I'm honored, its a lifelong dream. I'll do everything in my power to sniff as many skid marks as I can."
Corcoran (Most likely soon to be killed)
"I'm honored, its a lifelong dream. I'll do everything in my power to sniff as many skid marks as I can."
Corcoran (Most likely soon to be killed)
Please join us in welcoming Mr. Corcoran, formerly Mrs. Tinkleman, to our staff.
- JP Jones
Rainbow Put In Protective Custody
Fearing a backlash from the Xomcheese suspension, editor Oscar Rainbow, longtime enemy to the Xomcheese family and its cottage cheese agenda, has been placed in protective custody in the 7th floor janitorial closet. I will looking after Rainbow and teaching him to speak salamander, while also feeding him poisonous thumb tacks and playing him Bunk Wombat records.
Please do not attempt to search for or contact Rainbow as he will be glued to the furnace, as per request.
Please do not attempt to search for or contact Rainbow as he will be glued to the furnace, as per request.
Xomcheese Put On Suspension
Staff editor Ed Xomcheese has been put on an indefinite suspension, according to Jerry the Canary. Xomcheese has been on a downward spiral ever since his infamous Nostril-invasion tape surfaced on the internet.
Stay tuned to the Jerk for further updates.
Stay tuned to the Jerk for further updates.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)