Fimmons Drowns

Beauregard "Beau" Fimmons, staff contributor since the early-1980s, has drowned in his kitchen sink, according to a dish towel with knowledge of the situation. Fimmons was a correspondent on over 2,000 stories, including "Capolo Poo IV", "Fonchonski's Knee Cap Found in Belly of Aardvark", and the now-famous "Tinkle Memoirs".

Fimmons is survived by his pet cantaloupe, Harvey.

Jahomees Dead

Clynish Jahomees
(1963-2010)

* Died of Clintman overdose
* Funeral service: N/A

Suspicion surrounds Jerk Financials: Staff Auditor Hired

The Jerk was forced to bring on a Staff Auditor today, after suspicions of doctored financials ravaged Wall Street this afternoon.

"The Jerk is doctoring their numbers!" said one investor.

"The Jerk is doctoring their financials!" said another investor.

Thus, Milton Weatherby has been hired on as Staff Auditor. He will be responsible for internal audit reviews on a tri-yearly basis.

Weatherby


"I'm going to make sure that any suspicions around the financial state of The Jerk are put to rest, and put to rest temporarily," said Weatherby, "But most likely not permanently."

Weatherby will also be responsible for all toe related matters.

Please join us in welcoming Milt to our staff and our hearts.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Fielder-Fonway Fight Set

The battle everyone at Jerk headquarters has been waiting will take place this September, according to a napkin with knowledge of the situation. Staff Cecil Fielder Cecil Fielder will battle Staff Loser/Dead Person Chung Fonway in a pinch-to-the-death, September 17 at Capolo Amphitheatre. Each fighter will get to choose which condiment he wishes to use, Polynesian sauce excluded, as well as his go-to insult. Insults to choose from:

1. "Doody Head"
2. "Rory"
3. "Didier"

The competitors will also participate in a nude highway scream/sprint. Details to follow.


- Staff Fielder/Fonway correspondent Alan Russo

Yumpo Endorses Cheddar

Reginald Yumpo of the world-famous Yumpo Potato Conglomerate has officially backed Quixton Cheddar in the upcoming 2022 election. Yumpo, a nose on top of a badly-disfigured torso, also endorsed spicy mustard as the "condiment of the future, today", according to a press release.


Yumpo

DeLatardo Hired

Ralph Delatardo has been hired on as Staff Garbage Technician.

DeLatardo


DeLatardo was hired on by Chung Fonway, Staff Dead Person/Staff Loser. Fonway was quoted as saying "Ralph is a good garbage guy - he knows how to take out the trash."

DeLatardo, who is originally from Uruguay, will also be responsible for all Rainbow assassinations and for any pancake-related incidents.


- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Phunt Hired

Gerphunt Phunt, well known gopher removal expert, has been hired.

Phunt

Phunt Bio

Name: Gerphunt Phunt (gurr-PHUNT PHUNT)
DOB: 1/2/1213
Clothes: Leaf
Nipples: Yes
Sex: Unknown
Penis: Likes
Education: No
Experience: 502 years Gopher Removal Inc.
Comments: Likes tubas and french horns; dislikes the triangle

Phunt is honored to take on the roll of Staff Gopher Removal Technician.

New Staff Hobo Hired

Robert Blompton has done it again.

Chuck Frozengard, recently fired Staff Hobo, has been hired on as Staff Hobo. He will replace no one.

Frozengard


"I is honored to be takin' this posishun." said Frozengard through his publicist, "and I won'tent be lettin them fires me again. Im gonna hobo this place up!"

Frozengard will be a valued member of this staff, and will also be responsible for all broccoli poo cleanups at HQ.

- Staff Toilet Brush Gotter Hombush

Kleinsauce Hired

Jerk officials have announced the hiring of Otto Kleinsauce as Staff Kleinsauce/Urinal Door. Kleinsauce worked at CSLO as staff Kleinsauce, but was fired for lifting office supplies. He takes over the staff urinal position for the deceased Greg Gregson.

Kleinsauce

Staff Kitten Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of a staff cat, Miles.


- Staff kitten correspondent Cat Vanderells

Gregson Assassinated

Sad/happy news out of Jerk headquarters Monday evening as staff urinal Greg Gregson was murdered by editor Oscar Rainbow. Gregson, who penned the now-famous "Fonchonski Hired" post from early Monday, was stuffed with poisonous dandelion spores and then pushed off a cliff. Rainbow, who was against the Gregson-Fonchonski-Cheddar alliance that threatened to turn the 2022 election into "Poddy Nonsense" (Hey Jerk Newsletter, August 2, 2010), showed no remorse for his actions.

"I haven't shown any remorse for my actions, and I don't plan to," said Rainbow. "I've had enough of the Fonchonskis and as soon as I heard Gregson was aligned with that family, I took matters into my own nostrils."

Gregson is survived by his pet paper clip, Darryl.

Fonchonski Hired

Robert Blompton has made another hire.

Citing "weight problems" around Blog HQ, Blompton hired a world renowned dietician, Schmooble Fonchonski.

Fonchonski


"I've been doing this for over 4 hours, and I plan on using my experience to whip this staff into potatoes" said Fonchonski upon being notified of his hire, effective immediately.

In particular, Fonchonski will be targeting Oscar Rainbow and Ernie Berman for rapid weight-loss programs. He claims to have a secret to his success in the field - Poo.

"Poo makes the difference" said Schmooble.

Please joing us in welcoming Schmooble to the staff and in hoping for a leaner, meaner group of staff members in the near future.

- Staff Urinal Greg Gregson

Battle for '22 Election Begins; Quixton Cheddar Enters Race

Qwon Frugg Incinerated

Qwon Frugg, Staff Quintera Interpreter, was deemed unnecessary by Staff Leader Fat Neck Glenn and ordered to be assassinated. Staff Loser Chung Fonway was up to the task.

"I doused him with lighter fluid and lit him on fire" said Fonway.

Frugg (Dead)



After the flames had come to a halt, it is believed that Fonway relieved himself in the remaining ashes.

Frugg is survived by his Great Aunt Yelma, and his poodle Poodle.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Pechenko Hired

In a move that was nearly seven pepperoni slices in the making, the Jerk has announced the hiring of Louis "Louie" Pechenko. The 63-year old Urgugagian will perform several functions at the blog, including Staff Notepad, Jennington Murder Detective #6 and Mashed Potato Inspector.

As per the blog's no-Jimpo-earring-policy, Pechenko will have to remove his Jimpo earring before his first day on the job, scheduled to be sometime in late-October.


- Staff Pechenko Correspondent Mark Ruso

Jennington Dies

Nermit Jennington, former head of the Hey Jerk potato division, died Sunday of Queh poisoning. Jennington was snacking on Gregor Queh, specifically on his left ear, when a yellow fluid began seeping from Queh. Jennington died less than a half hour later.

Jennington (Dead)


Jennington stated in his will that he would like to be made into a soup.

Back From the Dead - Robert Blompton

Bob Blompton, former staff employee who was killed for making too many hires by one of Rainbow's assassins - is back. This time around, he will go by Robert Blompton, and will take on the role of Staff Hirer.

Blompton

"I've come back from the dead to rectify the corruption that has ruled this blog since my departure, and I intend to do so through swift hires and smelly doos." That was the statement released through Blompton's first hire - Staff Blompton PR Manager Gevin Pock.

Pock

Gevin Pock Bio

Name: Gevinsly Walter Pock, Jr.

Relatives: Rory and Olin Pock

Poo: Yes

Education: Pock U. (Did not graduate)

Experience: Horse Stable Manager - February 7, 1933

Comments: Likes onions and salamander poo

Please join us in welcoming Blompton and Pock to the staff.

- Beau Fimmons

Flying Asparagus Seen Over Jerk HQ

A batch of flying asparagus invaded Hey Jerk headquarters early Tuesday, suggesting a possible asparagus-Capolo war is approaching. The asparagus appeared over HQ at 8:33 a.m. Tuesday, according to blog leader Fat Neck Glenn, and "could be a response to the 2010 eating of several asparagus by staff contributor Bob Feathers".

We'll stay with this developing story as long as the asparagus is edible.