December 31, 2009
December 29, 2009
Jerk Hires F.N. Glenn Replacement
The staff at The Jerk is glad to announce the hiring of a new staff dentist, Jerry Jerry, DDS. Jerry comes with a long list of prior accomplishments, highlighted by the Cheetah molar pull of 1973 (Frompsville). Please join us here in welcoming Jerry to the staff!
Jerry Jerry, DDS
Name - Jerome Jerry, Jr.
Occupation: Dentist, Librarian
DOB - ?\?\1942
Spouse: Geraldine Jerry (1937)
Accomplishments: Cheetah Molar Pull, Tricycle ridden at age 12, rode a whale across a creek in his backyard (1943)
Comments: Has a piece of poo in place of eyebrows, lives on a backyard patio.
Jerry Jerry, DDS
Name - Jerome Jerry, Jr.
Occupation: Dentist, Librarian
DOB - ?\?\1942
Spouse: Geraldine Jerry (1937)
Accomplishments: Cheetah Molar Pull, Tricycle ridden at age 12, rode a whale across a creek in his backyard (1943)
Comments: Has a piece of poo in place of eyebrows, lives on a backyard patio.
December 28, 2009
December 26, 2009
Hey jerk, get your celery off my lawn
[Editor's note - guest contributor Bobby Feathers appears courtesy of Snarling Cricket Records]
December 25, 2009
December 24, 2009
HEY JERK RECIPE OF THE WEEK
"Jerk" Cheeseburger
Submitted by Earl Franklin, DDS
Ingredients:
1 (one) slice cheese (Gruyere)
1 (one) lb ground chuck (70% fat)
7 (seven) Berts
14 (fourteen) large onions
1 (one) chestnut
2 (two) vats Old Bay seasoning
1 (one) bun
Using your hands, place ground chuck into a bowl and massage until soft. On side, crack Berts into small pieces. Slice 14 large onions. Add cracked Berts, 14 large sliced onions, whole chestnut, and two vats Old Bay to bowl. Combine to form burger patty. Place patty on barbecue over medium-high heat and cook until completely black. Add Gruyere cheese, place on bun. Enjoy.
Makes one serving.
**Note - always remember to leave barbecue lit for the next day's meal of choice. "A cold barbecue is a useless barbecue." - Jerry Fimmons
Submitted by Earl Franklin, DDS
Ingredients:
1 (one) slice cheese (Gruyere)
1 (one) lb ground chuck (70% fat)
7 (seven) Berts
14 (fourteen) large onions
1 (one) chestnut
2 (two) vats Old Bay seasoning
1 (one) bun
Using your hands, place ground chuck into a bowl and massage until soft. On side, crack Berts into small pieces. Slice 14 large onions. Add cracked Berts, 14 large sliced onions, whole chestnut, and two vats Old Bay to bowl. Combine to form burger patty. Place patty on barbecue over medium-high heat and cook until completely black. Add Gruyere cheese, place on bun. Enjoy.
Makes one serving.
**Note - always remember to leave barbecue lit for the next day's meal of choice. "A cold barbecue is a useless barbecue." - Jerry Fimmons
December 23, 2009
"Save Fat Neck Glenn" t-shirts now available
$45 each
To join this grassroots campaign, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com
December 22, 2009
Resume Posted
In Hey Jerk's ongoing search to find a staff writer to replace the Autoscribbler 4000, we've been accepting resumes since late-November. Here's the latest from Ernie Tolsen:
Ernie Tolsen
erniep23@yahoo.com
555-1028
Experience
* 2008: Staff writer at Ear Cheese magazine
* 2007: N/A
* 2004-2006: Creator/writer of online blog, www.cabbagetestimonials.com
* 1998-2005: Revising resume
* 1995-1998: Assistant manager at Frank's Pet Shop. Fired-July, 1998 for improper distribution of bird seed to minors
Education
1995: Graduated from Francis Winfield High School
Extra-curricular activities
- Debate team critic for school newspaper The Whelp (jr, sr)
- Junior varsity badminton assistant statistician (fr, soph, jr, sr)
- Played "Gerniger" in school play Percussionist on the Roof (sr)
1995-1998: Bachelor's degree in Pleniquanics from Vanderells Technical Institute & Cafeteria
2004-2005: Completed two courses at Something's Cookin' Culinary School.
* Expelled-January, 2005 for "inciting more than five mashed potato riots within a calendar year"
References
* Deke Randolph, editor-in-chief at Ear Cheese magazine. 555-6767
* Beatrice Tolsen, grandmother/landlord. 555-1048
* Randy, imaginary friend since 3rd grade/best man at my fake wedding (May, 2003). 555-1028
Ernie Tolsen
erniep23@yahoo.com
555-1028
Experience
* 2008: Staff writer at Ear Cheese magazine
* 2007: N/A
* 2004-2006: Creator/writer of online blog, www.cabbagetestimonials.com
* 1998-2005: Revising resume
* 1995-1998: Assistant manager at Frank's Pet Shop. Fired-July, 1998 for improper distribution of bird seed to minors
Education
1995: Graduated from Francis Winfield High School
Extra-curricular activities
- Debate team critic for school newspaper The Whelp (jr, sr)
- Junior varsity badminton assistant statistician (fr, soph, jr, sr)
- Played "Gerniger" in school play Percussionist on the Roof (sr)
1995-1998: Bachelor's degree in Pleniquanics from Vanderells Technical Institute & Cafeteria
2004-2005: Completed two courses at Something's Cookin' Culinary School.
* Expelled-January, 2005 for "inciting more than five mashed potato riots within a calendar year"
References
* Deke Randolph, editor-in-chief at Ear Cheese magazine. 555-6767
* Beatrice Tolsen, grandmother/landlord. 555-1048
* Randy, imaginary friend since 3rd grade/best man at my fake wedding (May, 2003). 555-1028
December 21, 2009
47th Annual Ladder Draft - 1st Round Lottery Projections
Actual draft to follow.
1) Ottawa Ladders - D. Devito - Ottawa State - Only man\hippo ever to be drafted in Poo, Giraffe, and Ladder draft in same year. Notoriously difficult to sign.
2) Berlin Burritos - D. Deluise - Cannonball Tech - Once starred in a movie titled "Fatso". Never been past 3rd step of a ladder, but potential is frightening.
3) Japan Pizza Delivery Men - S. Pepano - Pepano Pipes and Cactus - Pepano once famously lit four urinal doors on fire. Widely suspected that Pepano may fall lower in the draft due to high demands (Walrus named "Kippo"), but this draft is keeping him towards the top based strictly on his laddering potential (37th step, 1978 Nova Scotia Ladder Games)
4) Denmark Croatians - Fobbert Quinkley MD - Christensen School of Beanballing - Quinkley, of the Frankfurt, Germany Quinkleys - once ate an entire ladder (Taiwan - 1955). Also is known to poo lightning bugs.
5) Atlanta Communism - Nope Bradley - Hogwash State Dental - Bradley threw his name in the hat after a failed career in dentistry which ended with 4 molars removed (Oswald Mempo) and a fingerless hobo named Trevor. Nope immediately shot to the top of the charts with his unmatched ability to eat a salami sandwich while laddering.
1) Ottawa Ladders - D. Devito - Ottawa State - Only man\hippo ever to be drafted in Poo, Giraffe, and Ladder draft in same year. Notoriously difficult to sign.
2) Berlin Burritos - D. Deluise - Cannonball Tech - Once starred in a movie titled "Fatso". Never been past 3rd step of a ladder, but potential is frightening.
3) Japan Pizza Delivery Men - S. Pepano - Pepano Pipes and Cactus - Pepano once famously lit four urinal doors on fire. Widely suspected that Pepano may fall lower in the draft due to high demands (Walrus named "Kippo"), but this draft is keeping him towards the top based strictly on his laddering potential (37th step, 1978 Nova Scotia Ladder Games)
4) Denmark Croatians - Fobbert Quinkley MD - Christensen School of Beanballing - Quinkley, of the Frankfurt, Germany Quinkleys - once ate an entire ladder (Taiwan - 1955). Also is known to poo lightning bugs.
5) Atlanta Communism - Nope Bradley - Hogwash State Dental - Bradley threw his name in the hat after a failed career in dentistry which ended with 4 molars removed (Oswald Mempo) and a fingerless hobo named Trevor. Nope immediately shot to the top of the charts with his unmatched ability to eat a salami sandwich while laddering.
On hirings and firings
I celebrate "Christmas" on December 21, and I don't call it "Christmas", I call it "Stan Jickson". So hearing that I'd lost my job during the feast of penguin and lettuce juice on Stan Jickson Eve caused my entire family of geese to take to the streets in protest. "Protest!" we yelled.
I'd been a writer/nostril inspector for this web site since its inception in July, 1984, and frankly, my work spoke for itself.
But fired for elbow neglect? This is America, my friends, not Prenderson, which is a fake country that discriminates against people with unsatisfactory elbows, or "blelbows" as its citizens like to call it. I'll clean my elbows whenever I feel like it and using whatever brand of dish washing detergent I deem acceptable. And the Hey Jerk staff not only fired me, but found it necessary to leave a mountain of poo in my parking space and change the lock on my office door. It was a sad way for a relationship to end, but just like my relationship with my third wife, hippo, it ended over elbow cleanliness, a mountain of poo and changing the locks.
To close, I'd like to send along a shirt out to my new employer listencreeporemoveyourselffrommygrass.blogspot.com.
I'd been a writer/nostril inspector for this web site since its inception in July, 1984, and frankly, my work spoke for itself.
But fired for elbow neglect? This is America, my friends, not Prenderson, which is a fake country that discriminates against people with unsatisfactory elbows, or "blelbows" as its citizens like to call it. I'll clean my elbows whenever I feel like it and using whatever brand of dish washing detergent I deem acceptable. And the Hey Jerk staff not only fired me, but found it necessary to leave a mountain of poo in my parking space and change the lock on my office door. It was a sad way for a relationship to end, but just like my relationship with my third wife, hippo, it ended over elbow cleanliness, a mountain of poo and changing the locks.
To close, I'd like to send along a shirt out to my new employer listencreeporemoveyourselffrommygrass.blogspot.com.
December 20, 2009
Fired!
Staff writer Oscar Rainbow, Jr. has been temporarily fired (re-hired tomorrow morning at 7 AM) due to what staff management is calling "refusal to clean his elbows." Over recent weeks, Rainbow's elbows have become more and more noticeable. In fact, they have become so disgusting, that staff mailman Fob Quinkley, Jr. decided to abruptly resign his position citing "Elbows not consistent with a work environment believed to be of the level of "The Jerk"."
CEO and Staff Obstetrician Y.Q. Berkobaum had this to say about the events - " The kids a good writer, and a weird looking fellow - but he can't wash an elbow to save his life. Last week I saw a lobster growing on the guys left arm."
While Rainbow will rejoin the Jerk staff as of tomorrow morning, remaining employees insist that unless elbow hygiene becomes a larger factor in his daily routine, problems will persist.
"Kumquats could be thrown," young hippo Larry said, " and I won't feel the slightest bit of sorrow about it. The mans got to learn."
- Staff Correspondent F. Timmons
CEO and Staff Obstetrician Y.Q. Berkobaum had this to say about the events - " The kids a good writer, and a weird looking fellow - but he can't wash an elbow to save his life. Last week I saw a lobster growing on the guys left arm."
While Rainbow will rejoin the Jerk staff as of tomorrow morning, remaining employees insist that unless elbow hygiene becomes a larger factor in his daily routine, problems will persist.
"Kumquats could be thrown," young hippo Larry said, " and I won't feel the slightest bit of sorrow about it. The mans got to learn."
- Staff Correspondent F. Timmons
December 18, 2009
HEY JERK RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Thumb Salad
submitted by Ernie Baker Jr.
- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads ice burg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper
Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.
submitted by Ernie Baker Jr.
- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads ice burg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper
Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.
Hey Jerk lands exit interview with Fat Neck Glenn
Less than two hours after Fat Neck Glenn was fired as staff dentist, Hey Jerk landed an exclusive interview with the disgraced Uruguagian, mainly because he remained camped outside the web site's downtown office arguing with a slice of bologna. Here's staff writer Larry's interview with Glenn.
Larry: What happened? You were voted by the readers as staff dentist, and less than 48 hours after the final vote was tallied, you were fired. Any explanation from the front office?
Fat Neck Glenn: They said 'we have pictures of you trying to staple a mouse to another mouse', but I think they were just intimidated by me.
L: How so?
FNG: I can hold an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.
L: It was reported you spent the days following your hire waiting outside the Hey Jerk office. Eye witness accounts have you singing inappropriate songs, making threatening gestures to an off-duty ice cream man and relieving yourself on the sidewalk. What really happened?
FNG: The singing was designed for me to keep warm. I've noticed Peggy Cliff Christmas albums tend to warm the sole, at least that's what I read on the jacket cover of her latest record I Saw Mommy Kissing Garret's Mommy. The ice cream man was asking for it, he kept telling me I couldn't handle a waffle cone. And the defecation was due to the fact that the Hey Jerk staffed refused to let me inside to use their facilities. I poo'd out of necessity. Anybody in my position would've plotzed just like I did.
L: There were also reports of you and some office supplies. Care to comment?
FNG: What I do with a staple remover is my business.
L: You won the dentist election thanks to a huge write-in candidacy, any explanation for the surge in election-night voting?
FNG: I threatened a bunch of people with a curling iron.
L: Any plans for the future?
FNG: Well, first, I'm going to finish this interview with you and go home. After that, I think I'm going to cash in my scratch-off ticket and buy a diet soda, really let go, have some fun before I get shipped off to the war.
L: Iraq?
FNG: Paymore grocery store #417. War on low produce prices, starts Friday afternoon.
L: So you have a new job at the grocery store?
FNG: Technically they told me to please leave or the authorities will be called and this time we're actually going to press charges. But I think they're bluffing. Besides, my cat, Morris has been trapped in the dairy freezer for three days, I need to get him out. We have a wedding to go to.
L: Who is getting married?
FNG: Not sure.
L: Hey Jerk editor, Capolo said you were unfit to hold the position as staff dentist, have no qualifications as a dentist and are in actuality just a paper bag. What do you have to say about these accusations?
FNG: [Laughs]. The guy was a dentist in the early 1990s. Filled a woman's cavity with mashed potatoes and cleaned another patient's teeth with a plastic knife and fork. Not exactly Dr. Harold Corcoran, am I right?
L: Who is Dr. Harold Corcoran?
FNG: This interview is over.
Larry: What happened? You were voted by the readers as staff dentist, and less than 48 hours after the final vote was tallied, you were fired. Any explanation from the front office?
Fat Neck Glenn: They said 'we have pictures of you trying to staple a mouse to another mouse', but I think they were just intimidated by me.
L: How so?
FNG: I can hold an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.
L: It was reported you spent the days following your hire waiting outside the Hey Jerk office. Eye witness accounts have you singing inappropriate songs, making threatening gestures to an off-duty ice cream man and relieving yourself on the sidewalk. What really happened?
FNG: The singing was designed for me to keep warm. I've noticed Peggy Cliff Christmas albums tend to warm the sole, at least that's what I read on the jacket cover of her latest record I Saw Mommy Kissing Garret's Mommy. The ice cream man was asking for it, he kept telling me I couldn't handle a waffle cone. And the defecation was due to the fact that the Hey Jerk staffed refused to let me inside to use their facilities. I poo'd out of necessity. Anybody in my position would've plotzed just like I did.
L: There were also reports of you and some office supplies. Care to comment?
FNG: What I do with a staple remover is my business.
L: You won the dentist election thanks to a huge write-in candidacy, any explanation for the surge in election-night voting?
FNG: I threatened a bunch of people with a curling iron.
L: Any plans for the future?
FNG: Well, first, I'm going to finish this interview with you and go home. After that, I think I'm going to cash in my scratch-off ticket and buy a diet soda, really let go, have some fun before I get shipped off to the war.
L: Iraq?
FNG: Paymore grocery store #417. War on low produce prices, starts Friday afternoon.
L: So you have a new job at the grocery store?
FNG: Technically they told me to please leave or the authorities will be called and this time we're actually going to press charges. But I think they're bluffing. Besides, my cat, Morris has been trapped in the dairy freezer for three days, I need to get him out. We have a wedding to go to.
L: Who is getting married?
FNG: Not sure.
L: Hey Jerk editor, Capolo said you were unfit to hold the position as staff dentist, have no qualifications as a dentist and are in actuality just a paper bag. What do you have to say about these accusations?
FNG: [Laughs]. The guy was a dentist in the early 1990s. Filled a woman's cavity with mashed potatoes and cleaned another patient's teeth with a plastic knife and fork. Not exactly Dr. Harold Corcoran, am I right?
L: Who is Dr. Harold Corcoran?
FNG: This interview is over.
December 17, 2009
***Fat Neck Glenn Fired***
Fat Neck Glenn (aka "Fattie G") was fired today, approximately 6 hours after signing his new hire paperwork. The Hey Jerk team is stunned at this development as he reportedly beat out renowned local talent, Ringwald Chase, DDS for the position.
Reports are swirling that Dr. Glenn was let go due to inappropriate activities with a mouse. Deputies called to the office park were unable to determine whether said activities were had with a computer mouse or Microtus pennsylvanicus. Small gray hairs found at the scene of the crime are being analyzed in hopes that they will provide more detail on these horrendous allegations.
Due to the pending investigation, police have not yet actually charged Fattie G with a crime. Sources say "beastiality" and the oft-mentioned but infrequently used "lewd acts with office supplies and/or technical accessories" are both on the table.
Stay tuned for updates on this breaking news story.
Reports are swirling that Dr. Glenn was let go due to inappropriate activities with a mouse. Deputies called to the office park were unable to determine whether said activities were had with a computer mouse or Microtus pennsylvanicus. Small gray hairs found at the scene of the crime are being analyzed in hopes that they will provide more detail on these horrendous allegations.
Due to the pending investigation, police have not yet actually charged Fattie G with a crime. Sources say "beastiality" and the oft-mentioned but infrequently used "lewd acts with office supplies and/or technical accessories" are both on the table.
Stay tuned for updates on this breaking news story.
December 16, 2009
December 15, 2009
December 14, 2009
Readers vote Fat Neck Glenn site's new dentist
In a historic election, the Hey Jerk readers voted Fat Neck Glenn as the site's new dentist. Glenn, whose winning campaign began with a single write-in vote, received 37 of the 86 votes in landing the prestigious title. Chet Sanchez, the early leader before a video of him swallowing several pieces of sandpaper during a 1992 Spring Break contest surfaced, finished second with 17 votes. In a surprise finish, John Candy tallied two votes, more than double that of any other deceased person.
The official tally
Fat Neck Glenn - 37
Chet Sanchez - 17
Nope Bradley - 14
d. devito - 9
Donkey Face Nelson - 5
John Candy - 2
Larry - 2
LAST MINUTE ENTRY FOR JERK DENTIST
"Donkey Face" Nelson
Birth Name - Trevor Jones
DOB - 2/1/07
Nickname(s) - Donkey, Nostril Man, Bert
Accomplishments - Largest nose bleed, Pepawa County Summer Olympics - 1996
Skills - Straw eating, Dentistry
Comments - Married to Reba Gwandermeer - August, 1997
Birth Name - Trevor Jones
DOB - 2/1/07
Nickname(s) - Donkey, Nostril Man, Bert
Accomplishments - Largest nose bleed, Pepawa County Summer Olympics - 1996
Skills - Straw eating, Dentistry
Comments - Married to Reba Gwandermeer - August, 1997
Jerk receives late entry for Dentist position - Fat Neck Glenn
Please consider Fat Neck when choosing your candidate!
Fat Neck Glenn
Birth Name - Walter "Fat Neck" Glenn-Jixon Sr.
DOB - Unknown
Nickname(s) - Paperface, Ugly
Accomplishments - None
Skills - Good with salamanders. Once ate a live porpoise (April 1967)
Comments - Has a paper bag as a head
Fat Neck Glenn
Birth Name - Walter "Fat Neck" Glenn-Jixon Sr.
DOB - Unknown
Nickname(s) - Paperface, Ugly
Accomplishments - None
Skills - Good with salamanders. Once ate a live porpoise (April 1967)
Comments - Has a paper bag as a head
Jerk To Hire Staff Dentist
The Jerk has received two applications and would like to leave it up to our many followers as to who gets the job. Responsibilities will include poo scooping. Without further adieu, here are the applicants:
Birth Name - Nope Popponich Bradley
DOB - N\A, but age 44
Nickname(s) - "Humphead," "Six"
Accomplishments: Types 7 words per minute; owns four heads of lettuce.
Comments: Started the Great Bonham Dental School Fire: May, 1997.
Please submit your votes via the comment feature below. Hiring to be completed this evening.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE - 4:45 p.m.
Total votes:
Chet Sanchez - 7
Nope Bradley - 6
Write-in:
Fat Neck Glenn - 2
Larry - 1
UPDATE - 8:55 p.m.
Sanchez: 14
Bradley: 9
Fat Neck Glenn: 5
Larry: 1
d. devito: 1
Chet "Cheeto Man" Sanchez
Birth Name: Chester Randolph Sanchez, Jr.
DOB - 12/12/1846
Nickname(s) - "Cheeto Man," "The Pride of Yugoslavia," "Dirk"
College - Moscow Dental - 1967
Accomplishments - Once carved a live Ostrich. Can eat 7 Ritz crackers at once (Last: February, 1913). Dingleberries number in the thousands (stopped counting - 2007).
Comments: Wears signature light on forehead.
Nope Bradley
DOB - N\A, but age 44
Nickname(s) - "Humphead," "Six"
Accomplishments: Types 7 words per minute; owns four heads of lettuce.
Comments: Started the Great Bonham Dental School Fire: May, 1997.
Please submit your votes via the comment feature below. Hiring to be completed this evening.
- Larry, Jerk Correspondent\Hippo
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE - 4:45 p.m.
Total votes:
Chet Sanchez - 7
Nope Bradley - 6
Write-in:
Fat Neck Glenn - 2
Larry - 1
UPDATE - 8:55 p.m.
Sanchez: 14
Bradley: 9
Fat Neck Glenn: 5
Larry: 1
d. devito: 1
Local band members arrested with counterfeit mayo
Klegshore, VL - Chuckles and Puckerup, members of the band Nostril Fumfkin, were arrested early Monday with over 400 jars of counterfeit mayonnaise with intent to distribute. After finishing a show at Chubby Sue's, Chuckles and Puckerup took the band's tour wheelbarrow and said they would return in a few minutes, according to Nostril Fumfkin publicist, Shonsen Jickson. Police found the band members at 12:17 a.m. attempting to sell the mayonnaise to a possum.
"We pulled the wheelbarrow over and the suspects had clearly been using the mayonnaise. There was bread all over the place and one of the suspects had a small clump hanging down from his ball cap," said Klegshore police chief Mick Russo.
Chuckles and Puckerup were released on $11 bail. The preliminary hearing is scheduled for December 22 at the Klegshore County court house. According to the band's web site, www.website.com, no decision had been made on the future of Chuckles and Puckerup with a world-wide tour to promote the pigeon be-bop band's sixth studio album, Up to My Knuckles, beginning December 31.
"Excuse me, sir, can you get off my lawn? I told you, I'm not the band's manager," said local resident Henry Shane.
- Staff correspondent Hebber Wheatley contributed to this story
December 13, 2009
New Hey Jerk Sponsor - Mrs. Doubtfire and Sons, Inc.
Hey Jerk would like to introduce a new sponsor to our followers, Mrs. Doubtfire and Sons, Inc. The company deals in retail sales of any movie you can think of. Rocky IV, The Land Before Time, When Harry Met Sally - "you want it, we got it."
MDAS, Inc. does offer product differentiation to separate themselves from the competition. Any movie you buy from them is actually a copy of Mrs. Doubtfire with a different name on it. So if you've always wanted a copy of Pinocchio that is actually Mrs. Doubtfire - you've come to the right place!
- Jerk Staff
December 11, 2009
HEY JERK RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Rhino Stew
submitted by young Tessa O'Shong
Prerequisite - Drive to South Africa, find a Rhino. VERY IMPORTANT.
- 1 (one) dead rhino, skinned, de-gutted
- 2 (two) large white onions
- 7 (seven) live pig's feet
- 4 (four) Garys
- 1 (one) clove garlic
- 1 (one) tablespoon vegetable oil
- 400 (four hundred) Idaho potatoes
- 1 (one) can diced hippo meet
- 12 (twelve) cans rhino broth
Finely chop garlic and onions. Bring vegetable oil to a simmer in a large saucepan. Add garlic and cook until browned. Add diced onions, simmer for 14 minutes. Carefully slice Garys, live pig's feet, dead rhino, and Idaho potatoes. Add 12 cans rhino broth, bring to a boil. Add Garys, live pig's feet, dead rhino, and Idaho potatoes to stew. Cook 4 hours, 11 minutes on medium heat, stirring once at 43 minutes and once at 4 hours, 9 minutes. Add diced hippo meet and cook additional 3 minutes. Take off heat, let stand 6 days. Serve and enjoy.
Makes 1 serving.
submitted by young Tessa O'Shong
Prerequisite - Drive to South Africa, find a Rhino. VERY IMPORTANT.
- 1 (one) dead rhino, skinned, de-gutted
- 2 (two) large white onions
- 7 (seven) live pig's feet
- 4 (four) Garys
- 1 (one) clove garlic
- 1 (one) tablespoon vegetable oil
- 400 (four hundred) Idaho potatoes
- 1 (one) can diced hippo meet
- 12 (twelve) cans rhino broth
Finely chop garlic and onions. Bring vegetable oil to a simmer in a large saucepan. Add garlic and cook until browned. Add diced onions, simmer for 14 minutes. Carefully slice Garys, live pig's feet, dead rhino, and Idaho potatoes. Add 12 cans rhino broth, bring to a boil. Add Garys, live pig's feet, dead rhino, and Idaho potatoes to stew. Cook 4 hours, 11 minutes on medium heat, stirring once at 43 minutes and once at 4 hours, 9 minutes. Add diced hippo meet and cook additional 3 minutes. Take off heat, let stand 6 days. Serve and enjoy.
Makes 1 serving.
December 10, 2009
LIVE BLOG - ROUND 2 OF GIRAFFE DRAFT
Round 2
[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]
16. Vin Valley - Pu Rennin - Wimperlong State. Third-oldest giraffe to be drafted (44). Stock fell after infamous mashed potato hot tub photos surfaced on internet (September, 2009).
17. Harry Cosgrave City - Larry - N/A. Only hippo to ever be drafted in giraffe draft. Also employed as part-time writer for Hey Jerk.
18. Hensley Park Raptors - Ish'fy Clemente - N/A. First foreign-born giraffe taken. Impressed scouts with his vertical leap despite having only five vertebrae. Favorite TV show: Nostril Ricardo & Friends
19. Ottawa Gorillas - D. Devito - Frompsberg State. Ottawa taking a gamble here drafting Devito a second time in case their initial discussions fall through. Also want to have a chance to steal Devito back from rival Ottawa squad should they have discussions with Devito. D. Devito once ate an entire ostrich (February, 1904) without burping.
20. Boise (from Olten Bureau) - Konko - West Corcoran. Taken in 2008 Giraffe Draft but returned to school to finish degree in Pigeontonics.
21. Toronto Terriers - Seth - East Australia U.
Drafted strictly on potential of having only three toes.
22. West Poppadopalis - Ollie Shane - Poob Technical Institute. Lacks ossified cartilage, but still ran a 19.4 40-yard dash during pre-draft combine. In January, 2006, ate car battery to impress a female giraffe, then threw up battery to win village talent show.
23. Ottawa Capolo's - Pinto Hama'ale - Hawaii Institute of Large Animal Veterinary Science. Voted "Deepest in nostril tongue reach" Hawaii Central HS Class of '88.
24. Fort Brunson - Ceng Zu - Hoilioke College.
Joins former college teammate Ernie 7 as 2009 draft picks. Currently housing a family of chipmunks in his left ear.
25. New York Pygmy Rhinos - Forfeit pick. New York looking to cut back on giraffe league record $14 dollar payroll for 2010, decides to forfeit draft pick, leaving D. Devito available for subsequent squads.
26. Sacramento Salmon - T'Qweeshawn Early - Plum College & Discount Shoe Repair.
First giraffe taken from the Thornicroft subspecies. Able to play all five positions and has experience swallowing mice whole.
27. Norway Schlotzky's - J. Candy - Aunt Estelles Gifted Giraffes. Since the release of Candy's film "The Great Outdoors," Candy focused his talents on becoming a giraffe. First giraffe to weigh over 400 lbs in human form.
28. Dallas - Goo Thomason - N/A. Expansion team's first-ever draft pick completes 21-year old trade. Thomason's former wife, Ingrid Lanthom (rhinoceros), traded to Cleppinger for pine cone sandwich and giraffe to be named later (June 7, 1988).
29. Anchorage - Freezy "Chips" Yonnsho - Montana State A&M. 27'9", 4,445 lbs. Larger as far as giraffes are concerned, Anchorage takes a gamble on Freezy based on physical proportions. Freezy has never giraffed and will need several years of seasoning in the minors. Thought of as potentially a seven-tool athlete.
30. Shonsen City - Blinky - N/A. Deceased (earthworm overdose).
December 9, 2009
Un-licensed Teen Wolf Too merchandise now available!
A - "Teen Wolf Too" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95
B - "You can't face life as a wolf and expect it to solve all your problems" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95
C - "Teen Wolf Too" - CHILD (XS/S/M)... $10.95
D - "I'd like to change some classes" - STICKER... $3.95
To order, email: oscarrainbow@gmail.com or c.compelio@gmail.com
December 8, 2009
LIVE BLOG - 2009 GIRAFFE DRAFT
Round 1
[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]
1. Ottawa Gorillas - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. 11'7, 2,367 pounds. Devito was consensus number one overall pick after completing 3 head stands in the 2008 regional finals v. Beluga Tech University.
2. Hensley Park Raptors - Juju - Locks Valley Conservatory. 23-inch tongue. Record 273 leaves eaten (May 7, 2008).
3. Uruguay Township Blue Whales - P.P. Reynolds - Pepano Air Conditioning Technical College. Shortest known giraffe at 1'4. Once dated Britney Spears.
4. West Poppadopalis - Ernie 7 - Holioke College. 13'8, 2,220 pounds. Poppadopalis voted best giraffe on roller skates from 1998-2001. Brother, Julian, starred in 1987 musical Somebody Get me a Glass of Water.
5. Jickson Maulers - Gilbert Boniva - Tymarius Institute of Technology. Boniva previously drafted in 3rd round of 1992 Poo draft but career stalled after eating too much cheese. Reinvested himself in Giraffing - oldest giraffe to be drafted (47).
6. Clampo County Vikings - Tito Pipp - Backroom College & Cafeteria. Once carried a fellow giraffe to freedom (cream corn avalanche). Second-oldest giraffe to be drafted (46).
7. Ottawa Capolo's - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. Rival Ottawa club drafts Devito on condition that if deal cannot be worked out with Gorillas, Devito deal strictly with them. Devito was first Giraffe to star in TV sitcom (Taxi).
8. Minnesota Plungs - Leech Brayburn - Voo. Thinnest poo (1977-1984). Signability in question after perfect score at 2009 Cabbage Olympics.
9. Takagawa Walnuts - Donnie Baseball - Japan College of Giraffe Development and O'Shoogie Design. Previously played for the New York Yankees and after retirement decided to focus on being a Giraffe. Starred in "When Harry Met Sally" (Coconut peeler)
10. Grottsburg Pirates - Chico Lind - KC Racers. 13'7, 2,575 pounds. Worst enemy: Jerry (lion).
11. Giraffe City Spiders - J.P. Schmoppo - Toronto Juniors. 27'8", 14 pounds. Known for trademark truffle shuffle after each cheetah attack. Loves middle-eastern Rhinos.
12. Shonsen City - Potato Murphy - Ben Hopkins High School. Favorite food: mud. 'Necking' led to November, 2006 marriage to Engo Vanderells; divorced: January, 2007.
13. Deluise - Penelope Franklin - Shmomway Middle. Known to fart violently during competition. Skills warrant a top 5 pick, but chance of diarrhea troubling.
14. South Klumptown - Bibb Chance - Oddoway State. Twig hoarder. Drafted in 2008 Giraffe Draft, but returned to school. Finished with 2.7 GPA (giraffe-pee-average) senior year.
15. Fompooly City Pombabos - John Candy - N/A. Candy drafted strictly on potential - once extended neck longer than 42 feet. Enjoys hunting rhino.
** Round 2 - December 10 **
[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]
1. Ottawa Gorillas - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. 11'7, 2,367 pounds. Devito was consensus number one overall pick after completing 3 head stands in the 2008 regional finals v. Beluga Tech University.
2. Hensley Park Raptors - Juju - Locks Valley Conservatory. 23-inch tongue. Record 273 leaves eaten (May 7, 2008).
3. Uruguay Township Blue Whales - P.P. Reynolds - Pepano Air Conditioning Technical College. Shortest known giraffe at 1'4. Once dated Britney Spears.
4. West Poppadopalis - Ernie 7 - Holioke College. 13'8, 2,220 pounds. Poppadopalis voted best giraffe on roller skates from 1998-2001. Brother, Julian, starred in 1987 musical Somebody Get me a Glass of Water.
5. Jickson Maulers - Gilbert Boniva - Tymarius Institute of Technology. Boniva previously drafted in 3rd round of 1992 Poo draft but career stalled after eating too much cheese. Reinvested himself in Giraffing - oldest giraffe to be drafted (47).
6. Clampo County Vikings - Tito Pipp - Backroom College & Cafeteria. Once carried a fellow giraffe to freedom (cream corn avalanche). Second-oldest giraffe to be drafted (46).
7. Ottawa Capolo's - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. Rival Ottawa club drafts Devito on condition that if deal cannot be worked out with Gorillas, Devito deal strictly with them. Devito was first Giraffe to star in TV sitcom (Taxi).
8. Minnesota Plungs - Leech Brayburn - Voo. Thinnest poo (1977-1984). Signability in question after perfect score at 2009 Cabbage Olympics.
9. Takagawa Walnuts - Donnie Baseball - Japan College of Giraffe Development and O'Shoogie Design. Previously played for the New York Yankees and after retirement decided to focus on being a Giraffe. Starred in "When Harry Met Sally" (Coconut peeler)
10. Grottsburg Pirates - Chico Lind - KC Racers. 13'7, 2,575 pounds. Worst enemy: Jerry (lion).
11. Giraffe City Spiders - J.P. Schmoppo - Toronto Juniors. 27'8", 14 pounds. Known for trademark truffle shuffle after each cheetah attack. Loves middle-eastern Rhinos.
12. Shonsen City - Potato Murphy - Ben Hopkins High School. Favorite food: mud. 'Necking' led to November, 2006 marriage to Engo Vanderells; divorced: January, 2007.
13. Deluise - Penelope Franklin - Shmomway Middle. Known to fart violently during competition. Skills warrant a top 5 pick, but chance of diarrhea troubling.
14. South Klumptown - Bibb Chance - Oddoway State. Twig hoarder. Drafted in 2008 Giraffe Draft, but returned to school. Finished with 2.7 GPA (giraffe-pee-average) senior year.
15. Fompooly City Pombabos - John Candy - N/A. Candy drafted strictly on potential - once extended neck longer than 42 feet. Enjoys hunting rhino.
** Round 2 - December 10 **
Crazy person with stuffing - UPDATE
Sammy Springs, GH - The crazy person found Sunday with an empty container of stuffing and uneven sideburns was identified as Yancy Pippen, a local hippo salesmen. Pippen finished the stuffing on the morning of December 6 and later was found outside his home attempting to trade his sweater vest to a neighborhood squirrel.
"He had a bunch of acorns and I was trying to get my hands on a few of them. So I offered my vest, but the little bastard ran away," Pippen said.
Pippen, who at the time of the stuffing incident was hosting a viewing party for the hit reality TV show Watch Me Tinkle, is a 1989 graduate of Paymont University and is famous for his 2006 portrayal of Hensley Chambers in the off-Broadway play Too Many Hensleys. The 42-year old declined to comment on his sideburns, which at press time contained several traces of barbecue sauce.
- From Hey Jerk staff reports
December 6, 2009
December 4, 2009
Jerk Hires Photographer, Pepano Jr.
Shonsen Pepano, Jr., son of deceased Shonsen Pepano (Yoga mat explosion, 2001) of urinal door arson fame, has been hired by The Jerk to be an assistant photographer. Pepano Jr. will report directly to Chief Staff Writer Rainbow, and will mostly be photographing things that make no sense. This is an unpaid position.Pepano Jr. is a man of rather large nasal proportions, and his method of photography because of such is unknown.
- From Hey Jerk staff reports
December 2, 2009
Get Them Off YOUR Lawn
The "Hey Jerk, Get off my lawn" team recommends for you to download for your downloading pleasure: "Get Off My Lawn" the free online game.
Please to make download happen
From the marketing materials: "As the lawn-loving Blue Mollet, it is up to you to keep other Mollets off your grass, by running them over with your lawnmower!" Intriguing, intense, gut-wrenching... I could go on.
Great for those peoples in high rise condos and/or hobos in train cabooses who don't have lawns of their own.
Please to make download happen
From the marketing materials: "As the lawn-loving Blue Mollet, it is up to you to keep other Mollets off your grass, by running them over with your lawnmower!" Intriguing, intense, gut-wrenching... I could go on.
Great for those peoples in high rise condos and/or hobos in train cabooses who don't have lawns of their own.
Black Market Hippo Trade Crime Hits an All-Time High
December 2, 2009
Flompus, QA - Local police detective Yancey McWalnut has been on the case since his first day on the force - June 25, 1817. He's never seen the black market hippo trade get anywhere near as dire as it is right now.
"Humans are being noodled over hippo barters gone awry. More than ever before," said McWalnut. "It's like the hippo demand in this town has shot up one thousand percent."
Asked to comment on the rumored South Yugoslavian Giraffe-for-Bulgarian Black Hippo trade thought to have gone down in the early hours of November 30, McWalnut had this to say:
"Got nothing to say about that. Check with Sergeant Shonsen Pepano. Maybe he's got something to say."
After approaching Sergeant Pepano, he had this to say:
"Did he say that?"
The Flompus Police Department seems to be all over the case. While they will most likely have the hightened hippo barter scene under control within days, they ask any civilian who may witness an illegal hippo or walrus deal to contact the proper authorities, or call Rory Fompolio.
- Hey Jerk freelance writer Elgin Jickson
Flompus, QA - Local police detective Yancey McWalnut has been on the case since his first day on the force - June 25, 1817. He's never seen the black market hippo trade get anywhere near as dire as it is right now.
"Humans are being noodled over hippo barters gone awry. More than ever before," said McWalnut. "It's like the hippo demand in this town has shot up one thousand percent."
Asked to comment on the rumored South Yugoslavian Giraffe-for-Bulgarian Black Hippo trade thought to have gone down in the early hours of November 30, McWalnut had this to say:
"Got nothing to say about that. Check with Sergeant Shonsen Pepano. Maybe he's got something to say."
After approaching Sergeant Pepano, he had this to say:
"Did he say that?"
The Flompus Police Department seems to be all over the case. While they will most likely have the hightened hippo barter scene under control within days, they ask any civilian who may witness an illegal hippo or walrus deal to contact the proper authorities, or call Rory Fompolio.
- Hey Jerk freelance writer Elgin Jickson
Staff writer fired
Ronald Henning
Tenure: November 29, 2009 - December 1, 2009
Fired for: Trading office supplies for cabbage
** Also Tajin fruit seasoning spokesperson and star of new family comedy Snowman Sandwich, in theatres, December 17 **
December 1, 2009
Baseball card missing
[picture taken August 3, 2008)
Personalized autographed card of Ted Lilly missing
Missing since: last Wednesday
Last seen with: my dog, Ernie
Estimated value: $275
What Lilly said to me while he signed the card: "hey kid, I think you've got mustard on your forehead...how'd you get that much mustard on your forehead?"
* If you have any information, please contact the Pisoville Police Dept. or my mother, Dottie *
- Rory W.
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